gin and bare it: 2011

Thursday, December 29

Live and Die by the Stars in the Sky

G sent me my horoscope from the journal sentinel this morning:

"friends surprise you with the kind of news that leaves your momentarily speechless while your brain searches for the right thing to say. it's probably better not to say much. being present and willing to listen will be enough".

nobody tell me anything.
mainly because i don't care.
plus, lincoln always chastises me because sometimes i say something with a certain intention and it comes out the complete opposite way. that's the nice way of putting it. he usually means, "just because you don't set out to be a bitch doesn't mean you're not being an actual bitch about it." which is totally true. so once again, nobody tell me anything. because i find it hard to stay quiet. and i'll probably be a raging bitch.

after G sent me that i was in the horoscope mood. so i checked msn:

"The horizon is clouded with doubt. You're feeling the frustrations brought about by recent decisions about your love life. In other words, you're getting cold feet! Today you must draw on your willpower and self-control in order to face your problems realistically while vanquishing your anxieties.

i guess lincoln and i should break up. that's probably not what the horoscope means, but it's early and i've only had one cup of coffee and i'm not equipped to process anything deeper and i saw the phrase "you're getting cold feet" and that's where my mind went.
even though we're not engaged or anything like that.

in fact, last night lincoln played video games till 1AM. i'm not sure why some females are annoyed by gaming. i embrace it.

lincoln gaming = lincoln leaving me alone.

[caption id="attachment_817" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="this just makes me laugh."]

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also, i'm not sure what "today's sun reading" means but here's today's. and i like it.

"Get ready to enjoy many special, positive experiences, thanks to the morning Moon sextile Pluto. You rise to the occasion in every one. Singles, be social go out tonight and meet lots of new people. Couples mutually feel that life is going just the way they want it to."

i don't like anything else other than the phrases "sextile Pluto" and "rise to the occasion" because i think they go hand in hand. but i don't know what "sextile Pluto" means. and since it's "sextile Pluto" and singles should be social and "meet lots of new people" i'm going to assume that means have sex with lots of new people.

here's a picture of michael flatley:

[caption id="attachment_818" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="lord of the dance."]

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Wednesday, December 28

Martha Motherfucking Stewart

i've been sewing.

and i'm happy to report that i still have all of my fingers and they haven't been sewn together. so in my opinion - even if i didn't have anything to show for my endeavors - i'm still winning.

so here's my baby.
i haven't named her yet. i'm taking suggestions.

[caption id="attachment_788" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="she's so damn good looking."]

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i've been to joann fabrics two, too many times and spent far too much money.
it may or may not be my new favorite place.

[caption id="attachment_789" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="some of my haul."]

[/caption]

here are my first two projects. they took me forever. mainly because i'm terrible at re-threading the machine and have to have lincoln do it for me.
he gets real annoyed.

[caption id="attachment_792" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="here's a placemat i'll never use. but it's cute."]

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[caption id="attachment_796" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="a seat cushion for my ass. because that chair is damn uncomfortable."]

[/caption]

i've been mildly successful. and i like that.

i've got a lot on my list of things to make.

curtains.

potholders.

pillowcases.

more placemats.

weird things for the cat to wear.

the opportunities are endless. well. there is a limit. because i'm not good and my projects still tend to look like shit.

Monday, December 26

Four Goddamn Hours Later

i embarked on a sewing machine project this afternoon. it took me four hours. and this is all i have to show for it:

[polldaddy poll=5791177]

it would be great if you voted. that way i know the temperature of the crowd and i can go in that creative direction for my next projects.

Sunday, December 25

And Now I'm a 1950s Housewife.

you realize priorities have changed when you receive xmas presents like these and are simply over the moon excited about them.

[caption id="attachment_752" align="aligncenter" width="300"]

heavenly.[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_753" align="aligncenter" width="300"]

lincoln is going to get a lot fatter.[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_754" align="aligncenter" width="300"]

i'll be doing some badass decorating.[/caption]

as i received these gifts and declared it the best xmas ever i realized that i felt like a 1950s housewife and i'm strangely ok with that. i'm going to make so much cool shit. in other news. this is why i love my family:

and this is why i love my family A LOT:

[caption id="attachment_765" align="aligncenter" width="300"]

wheelchair tricks and cigars.[/caption]

all in all, it's been a good holiday. i'm glad it's over. and i'm thrilled it will be another year until it happens again.

i do have one complaint. i wanted one thing and i didn't get it. i just wanted to stop menstruating.

it didn't happen.

it has been happening for 24 days. death.

This Has Next to Nothing to Do With the Holidays.

ahhh the holidays. a few thoughts come to mind: stressed, drunk, broke, exhausted, etc.

like most people, Lincoln and i have to cram 37 x-mas' into two days.

it's always a treat.

here's some photos that capture my xmas eve:

[caption id="attachment_719" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="phase 1 of the destruction of my kitchen is complete."]

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[caption id="attachment_720" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="motherfucking mini cheesecakes"]

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[caption id="attachment_721" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="packaging my delicious treats."]

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[caption id="attachment_722" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="mah balls."]

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[caption id="attachment_726" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="color shot of mah balls."]

[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_727" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="suspicious dog."]

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[caption id="attachment_728" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="slightly more normal dog."]

[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_740" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="i got you some pussy for xmas."]

[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_746" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="these are my brother's grades. i find one class to be the oddest."]

[/caption]

also, i took a shit this morning.

it's an xmas miracle.

Thursday, December 22

Textual Feeling: B Gets The Runs

b: you eat nothing but salads, you get constipated. i eat nothing but salads, i can't keep anything in. what the fuck?

me: serves you right. enjoy the runs.

b: hey, fuck you. i've been nothing but sympathetic towards you since you began your whole diet experience. besides, i just wanted to keep you in the loop.

me: keep me in the loop? with your poop? that rhymes. i'm hilarious.

b: you're something allright. not quite sure if hilarious is the right word though.

me: hysterical, perhaps?

b: you are thinking on the wrong end of the spectrum, my dear. start heading more towards evil wench.

me: i'd prefer evil witch.

b: wench is more accurate.

me: why can't i be a witch?

b: because witches aren't as whorish.

me: what about sarah jessica parker from hocus pocus? she was a slut.

b: she's not real.

me: you're a real downer.

b: just trying to bring you down to where you bring me.

me: if you're trying to make me feel bad about myself it's not working. mainly because i've been thinking about otters all day.

b: i would never try to make you feel bad about yourself. i feel bad enough about you for the both of us.

me: when you're ready to play nice we can continue this conversation. in the meantime - enjoy this picture:

[caption id="attachment_715" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="i realize this otter is a repeat, but it's delicious. and it's trick or treating."]

[/caption]

Wednesday, December 21

Best Motherfucking Xmas. Ever.

tis better to give then to receive.

i just think i'm bad at accepting gifts. because when people give me something extremely nice it makes me feel uncomfortable. and then i feel bad that they probably spent a lot of money on me. and then i worry about appreciating it enough and end up feeling like i'm not appreciating it like i should considering how much they probably spent on it. which is why i don't have nice things. and which is why i love when people give me socks as gifts.

but this christmas has officially become the best ever.

because my manager got me this:

[caption id="attachment_706" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="i'm so happy i could cry."]

[/caption]

i will not be working the second job tonight because i'm going to go home and have a meatloaf extravaganza.

pictures to follow.

Tuesday, December 20

Textual Feeling: Red State. Not To Be Confused With My Menstrual Cycle

B: so, i see you finally watched red state.

me: good god. i wish he was my pastor.

B: that dude was way fucked up. such a great movie.

me: totally.

B: yeah, Milton shot that one guy.

me: i couldn't take him seriously. not from office space or from when the pastor laid into him and started talking about feces on his scrotum.

B: i can't ever take him seriously with any character after office space or dodgeball.

me: what i will commend the loonies for is containing the bloody mess with saran wrap after they shot that guy in the head.

B: yes, you wouldn't want to get infected with the gay in his blood.

Me: no, since they consider it so contagious.

besides Yeti, i've recently indulged in one of those batshit crazy, radical religious movies that was on Netflix streaming. props to B for mentioning it and thanks to Lincoln for badgering me till i watched it.

it was. INSANE.

i must warn that i had to edit the convo between b and i so that it wouldn't give anything away and please note the textual sarcasm when referencing homosexuality.

but most importantly, if you love guns, violence, right-wing nut jobs, charismatic pastor/cult leaders, perceived sexual deviancy, hymns, John Goodman, killing sprees, and overall ridiculousness then this movie is for you.

if you'd like a more concise version you can imdb it.

[caption id="attachment_698" align="aligncenter" width="208" caption="LOVE YOUR DAMN NEIGHBOR!!!!!"]

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Sunday, December 11

Morning Constitutional, Etc.

everyone shits.

if you're someone like Lincoln, you shit more than the average person. sometimes you shit while still trying to ingest whatever it is that you're eating (also Lincoln, and in his case it's usually Taco Bell).

everyone has their routines when they shit. some take their phones into the bathrooom with them (don't you dare try to deny it). some people prefer a magazine. Lincoln has a book of crossword puzzles he tackles (which is good for him, because it's chock full of them and since he shits about 7 times a day, it keeps him occupied).

frankly, when i'm in the bathroom, whether it's 1 or 2 - i just prefer to be alone. but that is utterly impossible in my house. between Lincoln barging in and the obsessive animals - it's like a goddamn party in the bathroom.

it never fails that mac will barge in if you do not close the door to the bathroom and make sure that it latches properly. the cat will yowl at the door to be let in or sneak in when you don't realize it and occupy himself in the bathtub. murphy usually supervises.

[caption id="attachment_613" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="this isn't weird or anything, is it? you don't mind if i just stare at you?"]

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[caption id="attachment_618" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="i'm a stupid cat."]

[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_615" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="i'm watching you."]

[/caption]

the thought of me having children is utterly terrifying, but the fur babies in my home make it seem like i'm already a weird type of mother. all three of them follow me everywhere and they're constantly underfoot. the cat isn't a big deal. but when two 50+ pound dogs need to be as close to you as possible - it gets a tad annoying.

i haven't even #2'd yet this AM. i'm sitting in bed while Lincoln slumbers next to me. my food porn is on and i have a coffee in hand (so #2 shouldn't be too far off).

i realize this post has been about nothing. and murphy just belched while laying next to me.

consider this a teaser - but my next post will be about a killer movie called "Yeti."

Wednesday, December 7

Raptor Jesus - They Say I'm A Dreamer. No, Wait, That's Blasphemer.

so i was thinking about jeff goldblum the other day. i'm not sure why. it's possible that i was talking about jurassic park and Lincoln was probably telling me that i was a fucking weirdo. in his defense, he's probably right. because i go on these fanatical kicks where i become wildly obsessive about something in particular. a while back it was jurassic park. it was great because for a month they showed all the movies on the movie channels. but then they stopped. which was horrible. so i went to one of those used movie stores and bought all the jurassic park movies and then found all the x-men movies. so i bought those too (who wouldn't).

but back to the task at hand. jeff goldblum. i don't recall why i was thinking about him but i was. so i started googling. and found this:

[caption id="attachment_575" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="shirtless, lounging jeff goldblum. uh, ok?"]

[/caption]

shirtless jeff goldblum was heads above the rest of the other jeff goldblum pictures.
but then i found this:

[caption id="attachment_576" align="aligncenter" width="198" caption="raptor jeff goldblum."]

[/caption]

it stirred something in me; resurrected my deep-seated love/fear of all things velociraptor. in turn, it made me remember a movement that my friend bowser and i tried to join but it never panned out.

VELOCIRAPTOR AWARENESS DAY.

fun fact: december is national velociraptor awareness month. don't believe me? check it out. and then there was this blog entry. concise and to the point.

what i've gleaned from my research is that december is awareness month but april 18th is the actual awareness day.

so this means i have another addition to my things to do because i'm sober list (which hasn't hit paper or this blog, but is just a bunch of jumbled up nonsense in my head). and that's partake in velociraptor awareness day. i need to do some more research.
but in the meantime - check these out:

[caption id="attachment_582" align="aligncenter" width="239" caption="this is totally true."]

[/caption]

i'd like people to know that when i set out to write this post i had intended to focus on those final destination movies but i went the jeff goldblum direction instead, which then turned into raptors, which then morphed into raptor jesus and perhaps i'm now teetering on blasphemy.

i'm not sure.

what i do know is that i want one of these:

Tuesday, December 6

I'm Obsessed With This Pussy. And I Don't Even Care Who Knows.

[caption id="attachment_568" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="pink-pawed motherfucker."]

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[caption id="attachment_570" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="pervert."]

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Christmas Music Makes Me Want to Kill Myself

i don't care that the title of this post is both bold and probably incredibly offensive. it is exactly how i feel about christmas music.

i hate the radio year round. but i despise it especially throughout the holiday season. and i wouldn't hate driving so much if Lincoln would follow through and finish the ramshackle job he started when he went to put a cd player in my car. instead, i am forced to listen to the repetitiveness that is radio. none of my presets are set up so i have to do that thing where you scan through while simultaneoulsy try to keep an eye on the road and not kill your fellow travelers.

but that's neither here nor there.

i'm not sure at what point in november people think it's appropriate to play christmas music - but let me make myself clear - it's NEVER appropriate. there's always some radio station that plays christmas music fucking constantly (sidenote: it must be fucking awful to work at that shithole of a station) and and it never fails that when i'm scanning through while driving i happen to hear a nanosecond of it and i swear it causes me to seize.

i will allow a limited amount of christmas music one day and one day only.

christmas day.

that's it. every other time i hear it i want to commit horrible crimes.

here's something fantastic i found and is literally thought for thought how i feel (except i'm not jewish).

there is one song that i will allow. this one.

but i think it's mainly because i love anything to do with rodents doing human things.

case in point:

OR my personal favorite:

i now realize that this has turned into a post about rodents and how much i love seeing them row boats, sing or dance (among other things).

but it's still mainly about how much i hate christmas music.

Monday, December 5

I'm Not A Hateful Person, These Are Just the Things I Hate

in no particular order, these are the things i hate with a fucking passion. this is nowhere near being done, but at least it's a start.

whistling
people who can't spell (i recently had a family member post something on facebook and use the word "rejoys." i no longer consider us related)
braggarts
nickleback and los lonely boys (i don't know how far heaven is. stop singing it like the answer is going to magically fucking come to you)
my neighbors (i called her a miserable cunt to her face once. the truth hurts)
talking on the phone
peeing (it's a waste of my time)
people that think it's inappropriate to talk about taking a shit
people who don't use bookmarks (your cockiness will be your undoing)
the chicago bears
the kindle/nook (i refuse to be part of a movement that murders books)
people who groom themselves at work (stop clipping your fingernails. i can hear it.
it's disgusting)
not drinking
the bananas foster guy at the salsa cantina (no one cares that your recipe is awesome. you're a show off)
showering (which is why i love camping)
people who don't ask specific questions when they're looking for a specific answer
rollercoasters
cleaning/laundry (also a waste of my time. like peeing)
christmas music (it may or may not send me into a murderous rage)

i guess i don't hate as many things as i thought. although these are just the first few that came to mind. sometimes hatred creeps up unsuspectingly.
addendums to come.

Thursday, December 1

Sobriety Sucks - But At Least it's Made Me Slightly More Productive

i love vodka. i love the bar. i love drinking.

so anyone that truly knows me, knows i'm usually full of shit when i say i'm going to stop drinking.

but back in October, i decided that i wanted to stop being so fucking chubby. so i went on a diet. which meant i had to give up my dearest friend, vodka. most doubted me. and with good reason. i'm not very good at following through with things i say i'm going to do. but i must say, fuck you very much, for those that didn't believe i could do it (Lincoln) because it's now been thirty-two days on this motherfucking diet with zero alcohol.

don't get me wrong - it's been fucking miserable. aside from waking up and not feeling like a piece of shit, the only other plus has been that i've actually dropped weight.

so, although many of you could care less, i am presenting the last thirty-two days in the form of pictures and words.

enjoy or destroy.

first and foremost. i've read an assload of books in the last month.

The Help

The Kite Runner

Orange is the New Black

The Hunger Games trilogy (for the love of all that's holy - READ THESE)

become more obsessed with all things related to cooking and baking and blogging.

made Mexican Manicotti

perfected my meatloaf

made cake balls, cookies, mini cheesecakes, truffles, and peppermint bark

loved up on many of my favorite blogs like this one, this one, and this one.

discovered many things about the pussy residing in our house.

[caption id="attachment_518" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="relax PETA. he's being supervised when he plays in the plastic bag."]

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[caption id="attachment_519" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="he LOVES Nati Light."]

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learned that Lincoln loves his new shotgun more than me (i'm not even kidding. the night he got it he suggested i sleep on the couch).

[caption id="attachment_522" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="i named her Eleanor."]

[/caption]

found that i truly enjoy encouraging/peer pressuring others to binge drink.

[caption id="attachment_525" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="firm grip there Lincoln."]

[/caption]

crafted x-mas presents. i would post pictures but i will refrain (even though they turned out awesome). i don't want to assume that people even read this blog, but with my luck the people getting said gifts will see them here and everything will be ruined.

watched Foy learn how to eat a crab leg.

[caption id="attachment_526" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="not the proper form, but i'll accept it."]

[/caption]

learned that Murphy Lee is a HUGE Rush fan. and that Lincoln hates clothing for dogs. but i don't think band tees should count.

[caption id="attachment_527" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Exit the warrior, today's Tom Sawyer"]

[/caption]

this is unrelated. but G bought me this hat. and i love it.

[caption id="attachment_528" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="i'm not buying whatever he's selling."]

[/caption]

so that's it. that's what i've been doing. nothing exciting.

i realize that i could blog more - since i'm not hammered all the time.

i apologize if this bored anyone. i'd like to think it didn't.

but leave some comments if it did.

i really like 'lil wayne, although i rarely listen to him or even have any of his music but this line always resonates with me.

'cuz if you lookin' for me you can find me on the block disobeyin' the law

#realtalk

Thursday, November 17

Because Marcel the Shell Changed My Life. And I'm Pretty Sure the Second One Will Too

i think the title is sufficiently long and self-explanatory.

but i wept a bit this morning when i found this.

and i may or may not have watched this 16 times already and it's not even 9.30AM.

you can comment about skewed priorites or whatever. but i don't care.

[caption id="attachment_512" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="click the picture for viewing pleasure"]

[/caption]

Wednesday, November 16

Textual Feeling: Cunt College

B: do you think they have a Culinary University of North Texas?

me: i would hope so. you applying?

B: i will. if it exists.

me: your research begins now.

i've spent the better part of my afternoon designing logos for this non-existent school. b did a quick google search and found no conclusive evidence that this college is real. which is sad.

but then i started thinking about the movie where the kid doesn't get accepted to any college he applied to so he makes his own college. and everything works out in the end because his college isn't so focused on staunch success and clear cut black and whites and it's like a giant "fuck you"to corporate america and all those bullshit standards that get drilled into kids.

but life isn't like that. so get over it.

here are my logos:

[caption id="attachment_499" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="the upside down llama has nothing to do with cooking. or cunts."]

[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_500" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="if this is a buffalo, i'm pretty sure you can eat it."]

[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_501" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="i'm fairly certain you can't eat bald eagle. but this is my logo tribute to america."]

[/caption]

on a side note: if anyone reading this has deep pockets and would like to fund the Culinary Institute of North Texas it would be greatly appreciated.

Tuesday, November 8

Textual Feeling: C is Not For Cookie, it's For Constipation

i like to keep B in the loop when weird things are happening to me.

me: this diet has made me constipated.

B: i could have told you that would happen.

me: it's ok though. i'm drinking some sort of all-natural laxative tea. it's called Smooth Move.

B: fitting.

me: i thought so.

but seriously, i was constipated. until the tea fixed everything. it tasted delicious too. now i feel like i could take on the world.

this isn't a plug or anything. i just thought those in similar situations to mine could utilize the shit tea.

[caption id="attachment_490" align="aligncenter" width="226" caption="the shit tea in all its glory"]

[/caption]

i also looked up the website for it. and there's a video. and the doctor that's always on Oprah is talking about it. so you know it has to be legit. but i didn't watch the video, so there's a 50% chance that doctor is telling the world the shit tea could kill you. but then i doubt the shit tea people would put that video on their website.

whatever.