Thyroid Disease Is The New Black

it's quite possible that i have the world's worst insurance.  and if you say, "well, having insurance is better than no insurance," i'll choke you.  but that's neither here, nor there.  due to some recent medical issues, i was forced to go back to the doctor.  
womanly shit.  
since i can't afford for them to run the whole gamut of tests, i had them test me for things that they were pretty sure i could have.  those being; anemia and thyroid disease.  negative on the anemia.  just waiting to hear on the thyroid.  i don't know shit about thyroid disease so i've spent a majority of my morning on WebMD scaring the crap out of myself.

here's a few symptoms   
and i'm just meshing all the different types of thyroid disease symptoms together:

• more frequent bowel movements, sometimes with diarrhea
• muscle weakness, trembling hands
• lethargy, slower mental processes or depression
• development of a goiter
• constipation, heavy menstrual periods or dry skin and hair
• weight loss despite increased appetite

naturally, i told my best cronie in the whole world and we WebMd'd together.  
our conversation is below:

n: you have an excuse for everything now. 
"can you answer that call?"
"nope, sorry, my thyroid is acting up.  you should get me a pizza."
ne: i'm using that from now on.
n: and you can use, "i'm sorry, i don't understand your question, i have thyroid's disease."
me: this thyroid thing is the gift that keeps on giving.
n: but seriously, i hope you don't have it.  what did shitler have to say about all of it?
me: he's just glad I'm not dying.
n: i'm glad he's glad that you're not dying.
me: me too.
n: otherwise it would have been an awkward weekend for us all.