Slammin' Salmon. Not The Movie. Just What I Ate For Dinner.

have you ever tried to eat an entire pound of salmon?
if you haven't and you think that you want to try - i would advise against it.
unless you make it like this.

and then it turns out like this:

but note that after a probable failed attempt you will feel like you want to die. 
but the whole place will still smell like the delicious salmon you just made and you will think you're in heaven.  but you're really in hell.
so if you'd like you can dump all of the following in a pan and enjoy it yourself:
preheat your oven to 350 and in a greased pan put a pound of salmon and top it with a sliced red onion, one juiced lime, one juiced lemon, and a crapload of dill.  bake it for 25 minutes.  then proceed to eat till you puke.
also, it has been brought to my attention that the mange hounds don't like blinds.

and now you must excuse me - because if there's one thing i'm good at it's making poor choices.
oh, and not learning my lesson.
so the rest of that pound of salmon will be my bitch.  it.is.written.

I Just Wanted Sgt. Bilko For My Birthday Present

in no particular order; this is what my fucking birthday weekend consisted of.  
boats, booze, babies, and bullshit (and bison).

oh, and i didn't get sgt. bilko.  because shitler said he had to order it.  ya, we'll see shiter.  we'll see.
but i do have this:

oh, and if you thought that one of the above pictures was a group of people doing a trust fall - you're right, it totally was.  
more like a group of hippies, possibly hippies that all live in some sort of commune together, doing trust falls at a bar.
happy birthday to me.

Man Love

shitler and i had to head to illinois this weekend.
for a baby funeral.
i know.
awful.
and you know you're not in kansas (or wisconsin, for that matter) anymore when you are bombarded by these types of things everywhere you go:

 

but when all is said and done and you've reconciled with the fact that you're out of your element for a weekend  and there is a lot of sadness hanging in the air; you begin to enjoy the little things, because that's really all that you can do.
but then it dawns on you that the little things you enjoy aren't normal.
like these things:

 

 

 

so although this last weekend was filled with sadness - it was also filled with a lot of love.  
man love.
and then relief.  when i saw this:

Bacon Was The Only Redemptive Quality of My Weekend

i'd like to give you the sequence of my weekend events.  in both pictures and words (which is no different than any other time that i've done this).

friday:

a friend force-fed me jell-o shots that he was carrying around in a plastic bag.  then i made myself this:

[caption id="attachment_1836" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] bacon. brat.[/caption]

then the same friend tried to get me to do this:



i refused.  thank god.

but then shitler and i went to the bar.
where he attempted to teach me how to play pool.



but as you can see i was more concerned with trying to take some badass pictures.

but then, we saved the bar.
and by saved the bar i mean i happened to look at my phone and see that it was 2:15AM.
and that last call hadn't happened yet.
so we told the bartender.  

SEE - i can be somewhat unselfish.

saturday:

naturally i felt like shit.  

so i remedied that by ordering this for breakfast:



i had a few bites but decided it was best to drink my weight in screwdrivers.

and then b bought these from the liquor store:



and c'mon - how do you say "no" to tiny servings of wine in pint glasses?  the answer?  you don't.

then i was drunk and i asked shitler to set up this loom thing so i could make a hat.  

so shitler did - but then he wouldn't give it back.



so i decided to take a short nap.  because at this point - i was drunk and it wasn't even dinner time yet.  but my nap lasted for 5 hours.  so when i woke up i just went back to sleep for the rest of the night.

sunday:

i went to a baptism.  and felt like a bag of dicks.
because the weekend was over and i had nothing to show for it.  

not even a hat.  

because shitler only let me do like four rows out of the entire hat before he demanded it back.

[caption id="attachment_1842" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] murphy loves his new hat.[/caption]

i really need to get my shit together.

In Which I Admit That I Have A Problem

bear with me.  this is mostly for my own sanity.

i co-hosted a jewelry party with G last night. 

people bought a lot (and for that, i thank you) and as a result i will be getting a shitload of free jewelry.
so it prompted me to come home and perhaps organize the shit i already had.

turns out that was a mistake.  because what i discovered was horrific.

[caption id="attachment_1824" align="aligncenter" width="764"] in a gigantic case.[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1825" align="aligncenter" width="764"] in some sort of container that i even forgot i had.[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1826" align="aligncenter" width="764"] hanging on the towel rack in the bathroom.[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1827" align="aligncenter" width="764"] on the counter.[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1828" align="aligncenter" width="764"] in some random basket.[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1829" align="aligncenter" width="764"] rings.[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1830" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] and apparently i have an aviary section.[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1831" align="aligncenter" width="764"] because keeping earrings in a shot glass seems totally normal.[/caption]

this post is pointless.  and ridiculous.  and makes me look like a jewelry hoarder.

 

which apparently i am.

My Border Collie Is Actively Trying To Ruin My Life

got my hands on this infant again the other night:



i offered to let shitler hold her but his comment was "no, i've held babies before" and then "i'll hold her when she's two."  i guess he has a point.  all babies are the same.  

except the ugly ones.  

and ugly babies do exist.  don't even try to deny that ugly babies don't.  they do.  and you're a liar if you say otherwise.  but sommer isn't one of those.  there's a special place for her.  one that's filled with sparkles, unicorns, and mommy's breasts.

[caption id="attachment_1809" align="aligncenter" width="764"] YOU'RE WELCOME betsy. because your boobs look fantastic.[/caption]

and check out her fat little baby thighs.  i died.

[caption id="attachment_1810" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] i bet they taste delicious.[/caption]

also, i'm convinced that when babies yawn it's really their cute way of covering up the fact that they're stealing your soul.

[caption id="attachment_1811" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] SEE?[/caption]

in two unrelated topics:

first, shitler and i went to go get wings last night.
and our neighbor kept throwing used chicken bone carcasses on the floor:

[caption id="attachment_1815" align="aligncenter" width="580"] we were not at texas roadhouse, nor is that a peanut.[/caption]

secondly - in true mac-fashion we came home to the destroyer of all things pillow and also an entire plate of banana bread bars:

[caption id="attachment_1816" align="aligncenter" width="580"] he's such a dick.[/caption]

lastly, shitler woke me up last night to tell me that he had gotten up to pee and while he was downstairs he ate a cupcake.  at 3AM.  

i'm indifferent.

All A Twitter.

i can only imagine what his dumbass is dreaming about.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcYmzkjeFKI

Thank God I'm Not Such a Bad Person That Dexter Would Kill Me. But Then I Worry That Kevin Spacey From Seven Might Murder/Punish Me Because of My Sloth-Like Tendencies.

shitler was out of town this weekend.

and i did nothing.

and then when he got home.  we did more nothing.  typical.

wait.  i lied.  

we did accomplish something (and i use that term loosely).  because if you can count watching nine straight hours of dexter and polishing off a bottle of wine as accomplishing something then i guess i wasn't a complete piece of shit.  AND, i wasn't even drunk after i consumed the bottle.  which worried me because i thought perhaps i got a faulty bottle.  but i just decided to chalk this one up for the good guys.  and by good guys i mean me.  and by chalking one up i mean that i drank the whole bottle, didn't get drunk and didn't feel like a bag of dicks this morning.

i also managed to eat an abnormal amount of sauerkraut and polish off the apple struesel cheesecake dessert i made last week.



also, mac is a huge mos def fan.  imagine how pleasantly surprised he was to find him pop up on dexter.



but then the religious act got old and mac was all "hey dexter, less forgiving, more killing."



and in the spirit of dexter and knives i found this to be kind of interesting.



if someone can tell me why there's a section in the office supplies catalog at the workplace that features knives - i'd greatly appreciate it.

i might place an order today.

Tales From The Crypt: Because Waiting Tables Is Slowly Murdering Me

but seriously.

it is.

 

The Stench

after over-indulging in vokda all weekend i vowed that things would be different.  
like a herald - i declared:

i will go to the gym on all the days!
i will not drink on all the school nights!

but alas - that lasted one day.  

because i went home and made the mistake of looking in the door of the fridge and spotted a half a bottle of champagne.  it was all down-hill from there.  

but i will say this - given the right mood, and the right alcohol - i can become extremely motivated.  which was the case the other night.  when i whipped up dinner and dessert but ate too much of the dessert that i only had three bites of the actual dinner.

my stomach hurts just thinking about it.  and so does my head.

i found a recipe called chicken in tarragon cream sauce (fyi, shitler is useless because when i called home to have him check to see if i had tarragon he thought i was fucking with him because he'd never heard of it before).  but the recipe. is. delicious.  well, the three bites i had anyway.







so in all seriousness.  you should make this.  because if i can make it and not fuck up then that means a monkey could probably fucking do it too.  which speaks volumes of the monkey.

but  moving on to more important things - i also made these:



but seriously.  i'll never understand how this:



ends up looking (and then in turn, tasting) like this:



a few notes.

here is the recipe for the chicken.  i'm too lazy to type it all up.

here is the recipe for the banana bars.  if you look at the recipe and then realize that mine have white frosting and the original ones have nutella frosting and you're wondering why; it's because i don't even know where the fuck to look for nutella.  and frankly, i would feel real douche-y buying nutella.  i also have an aversion to nutella.  mainly because i took french in high school and my teacher, madam moran, was a raging bitch who loved nutella.  and loved to pronounce it in that douche-y way you're supposed to when you're taking french and who was always trying to get me to join the french club and do skits at competitions but the bottom line is that i barely knew how to conjugate my verbs.  so that's the backwards explanation about why i didn't make nutella frosting and i just used the cream cheese stuff out of the carton.

sidenote, in case anyone was ever wanting to do some sort of fucked up science experiment in which you leave a salad in the backseat of your hot car for two weeks - i would advise against it.  but in the event that you do decide to conduct such an experiment and you're looking for a hypothesis - might i suggest, "if i leave a salad in my hot car for two weeks then it will smell like a dead body."

so you're welcome.

plus it seems only fitting that a post that began with delicious food would end with food that was probably breeding maggots.