viva la revolucion

so you know how when people go on vacation and they have all those wonderful things they're going to do in some tropical place?  

like zipline?  or snorkel?  or do some romantic shit at sunset?
you know, like love each other or something?

well, i've compiled a list of things i'm going to do in mexico.
it might be a little unconventional.  but you'll have to give me points for creativity.

this is what i'm going to try to fucking do on vacation in mexico:

1. attend the wedding of ryder and wendy
2. buy a bunch of shit i don't need from those vendors that pester you on the beach when you're just trying to get your nap/tan/drink on.  mainly a ton of those scratchy blankets.  oh, and those tiny animal statue things with the bobbing heads that have bugs in them.
3. go see a charros game.
4. employ the spanish i've been so diligently learning which is limited to "uno mas por favor," "gracias" and "carnitas, por favor."
5. hunt and kill a dolphin with my bare hands.
6. drink the water.
7. get into cock fighting.
8. visit the mexican home of kenny powers; which i can only assume is quite the tourist attraction.
9. eat tacos from the street vendors.
10. possibly battle montezuma's revenge (which might be a direct result of numbers 6 and 9).
11. find the black market.
12. refuse to travel anywhere unless it is by donkey.
13. beg shitler to let me bring said donkey home (and by this time i'm sure i will have named him alejandro ponce deleon).
14. join a mexican drug cartel
15. demand pinatas that are filled with tiny bottles of booze be present at every breakfast.
16. collect tiny geckos in a bucket and then douse shitler with them while he is in the shower.
17. get braids with the beads on the end.  but only on the condition that they are so tight that it looks like i've had some cosmetic work done.
18. lead expedition groups into jungles and teach them of the native species (this is just a clever ruse to get more geckos - see number 16).
19. take a raft out to international waters (i don't think this applies to where we'll be, but i won't let that deter me).
20. get pissed off every time there isn't an umbrella in my drink.
21. exchange every cent i have to my name into pesos.
22. get shitler drunk and have someone tattoo the mexican flag on his left ass cheek.
23. refuse to go anywhere without my sombrero.
24. volunteer to be a drug mule (see number 14, as i probably won't have enough time to ascend the ranks and be in charge i'll have to settle for this)
25. find that fucking chupacabra.

hola.

i have a lot to do in a short amount of time.  but i think it's doable.

Coffee Talk Installment 3

coffee talk time.  with nat-chick.
so grab the button, link up, answer the questions.
do it in whatever order you f'ing want.


1. what is your daily routine?
survive the day.  which normally includes not sleeping through my alarm, battling through a hangover of some sort, being annoyed by everyone in the world and eyeing the phone like i'm plotting to murder it, convincing my fat ass to do go to the gym at some point, and then coming home to lay on the couch.  usually with these couple of wads.

2. what's in your make up stash?
nothing.  absolutely nothing.  because my laziness defines me.  and wearing and putting on make up is time that i could be spending on the couch.  or doing something else that actually fucking matters.

3. are you a morning or a night person?
morning.  through and through.  because shitler isn't awake and i get like four seconds by myself.  
it's quiet and glorious because there's no one around to fucking bother me.  shitler isn't all up in my business and the hounds aren't behaving like raving lunatics.

4. what do you eat for breakfast?  or do you skip and go for brunch?
once again - this is dependent on the prior night.  if i indulged i will eat everything and anything at 7am.  then i'll eat again around ten.  then i'll go get something terrible for me for lunch.  i'm like a black fucking hole on those days.  if i wake feeling dapper then i usually don't eat till lunch or mid-afternoon.

5. how do you wind down at night?
vodka.  duh.

6.  what time do you go to bed or what is your normal bedtime?
it's basically whenever i pass the fuck out like some sort of narcoleptic.  

this has nothing to do with anything.  but here's a picture of a play dough dick.
you're welcome.

drinking with a side of camping: part uno (which is spanish for the number one)

i'm going to tell you a story.
about camping.  
we do it every year.  and we all get super excited about it and then we drink an unhealthy amount and hate everyone in the world by sunday (which i suppose is par for the course on like every weekend).  so i thought maybe you would want to see some pictures.  because they're terribly awesome.  
but there are a lot.  
so there might be like two installments.  
or maybe three.  
i'm not sure.

night one.
set up camp.  
which includes unloading all the useless crap someone bought from goodwill.

then proceed to party with some ridiculous hats someone also bought from goodwill.

then rejoice because someone brought ninety hot dogs.

then celebrate the hot dogs with bonging beer and boxed wines.

then do unspeakable things to the barbies with the hot dogs.

then laugh about it.

then continue celebrating.

my liver just cramped up reliving this.

Textual Feeling: Nonsensical Babbling

shitler and i had this conversation while in bed the other night.

i still don't know what it means.

shitler: i'm going to scratch pet you.
me: what the fuck does that mean?
shitler: scratch pets.
me: i feel like that would be more effective with steel wool.  whatever it is.
shitler: my dick is called steel pole.

i feel like he's trying to give me his steel pole in the middle of boxed wine bonging.

High Five 4 Friday

it's friday.  boom.

and that means it's link up time with lauren at from my grey desk.

1.  roasted my first chicken this week aaaaaaaaand i'm now going to do so once a week.  it was fucking delicious.  shitler thought so too.

2. i just can't get enough of baby b.  seriously.  she's too much.

3. fall. blahblahfallblah.  fall.  everyone is fucking talking about it.  

i don't mind it.  

and i especially don't mind this view.

4. this kid.  he is just loving life.

5. and yes, this is me rubbing it in again.  but next friday, as in one week from today, i will be in mexico.

suck on that.

Coffee Talk Installment 2

thursday means it's time for coffee talk with nat over at natalie blair.
she asks some questions.  
you answer them.
grab the button.
then link up.

do it.do it.do it.


1. what is your favorite kind of coffee?  iced?  hot?  frappe?  or are you tea kind of person?
uhh duh.  iced.  
only because i'm incredibly fucking impatient and i don't like having to wait for hot coffee to cool down.

2. what is your dream computer/laptop?  and what kind are you using now?
i think i would like something like this:

via neon punch

something with a screen so large that i could watch porn and let everyone else in the background behind me enjoy it as well. plus it looks sleek and seems like it should be in a spaceship.  and i love spaceships.  currently, i'm rocking a laptop.  a gateway.  it's name is the barnacle.

3. have you ever regretted a blog post?  what did you say?
i haven't.  what's the point?  if someone doesn't like my shit - then don't fucking read it.

4. what is your favorite book?
worst.question.ever.  because there's too many.  anything by gillian flynn. i.e. sharp objects, dark places, gone girl.  a tree grows in brooklynn.  invisible monsters.  gone with the wind.  lolita.
ok, i'll stop.  i could go on forever.

5. what's in your bag (pictures too please)?
everything in the world.  at least i'd like to think.  

currently - three books, two sets of headphones, a charger, two wallets, a pair of underwear, vitamins, cough drops, night-time sinus medicine, six chapsticks, two lotions, body spray, various garbage receipts, etc.  i could go on and on.  because it's a fucking war zone in there.

p.s. i didn't feel like taking a picture of all the shit inside my purse.  but here's a post i did about its contents once.  nothing has really changed.  except i took the bread out.

Textual Feeling: You Must Pay The Toll

it's been awhile since this happened.  
so boom - here's a conversation with b that centered around whether or not he could come over and watch redzone.

me: you can come over tomorrow.  i've decided.
b: ok.  do i need to bring anything?
me: i don't even care.
b: whoa.  what's with the combativeness?
me: it's mainly ambivalence.
b: i should have known.
me: actually, can you please bring me three orange gatorades.  thanks.
b: i will see what i can come up with.
me: and tortilla chips.
me: and vodka.  because we drank all the vodka last night.
b: anything else your highness?
me: a little less attitude would be nice.  and bacon.
b: out of those four things - pick the two you really want.
me: i want them all.

BREAKING NEWS

oh.my.god.

great news.  i mean super, awesome news.

shaun white?  totally got arrested.  and for what?  possibly the most hilarious thing things ever.
looks like my "dear friend" shaun is being charged with public intoxication (which i'll admit is a joke because that's an average weekend for me), vandalism, and drunkenly destroying a phone (which i didn't even know was against the law but now i'll have to keep that in mind).

then shaun decided it was appropriate to pull the fire alarm at the hotel he was staying at forcing the entire hotel to evacuate, AND THEN try to kick the man that attempted to stop him from fleeing, then attempted to flee and then collided with a fence and got himself a head wound.

i would have given my left nut to see this shit go down.  are you even kidding me?
not to mention that the only thing that made the visual of this entire escapade happening in my head any better was his mug shot.

there is a god.

Trunk Meets Junk

i think i've mentioned that i'm the laziest person ever.
and that usually extends to every facet of my life.

like "no, i don't need to bring any of the sixteen outfits, nasty food containers, dirty socks, various tools, books, or empty cartons of coolant that are in my car inside or to the trash" or, "no shitler, that stays in the car.  you never know when i'll need that salad that's been sitting in my car for two weeks."

so recently shitler mentioned that maybe i should clean out my trunk.  mainly because my idea of cleaning out my car is taking everything that it's in the backseat and simply transplanting it to the trunk.  it's the least amount of work with the most effective outcome (at least in my opinion).  

so i did clean it out.
for the most part.
because it's important to have some essentials with you at all times.  

these are my essentials:

real quick.

here's a picture of my dog being inappropriate.  #spreadeagle like a pervert.

i also have a picture of his balls.  

whose the pervert now?

High Five 4 Friday

i want to talk to sampson!
quick - what movie?  first person to guess right gets a high five to their face - from me.

all questions aside - it's friiiiiiiiiiiiiiday.  so it's time to link up with lauren at from my grey desk.

1. remember how i'm going to cabo?  if you don't remember me telling you that i'm going to cabo this is me telling you right now that i'm going to cabo.  and in the spirit of all things cabo - check out these shoes i got for the wedding.  i've been licking them since they arrived.

2. this man and his high-waisted belt.  like he knows what's fashionable.

in all honesty, he told me the other night that he will basically put anything on if someone will take a picture of him in it so that others can enjoy it.  i was like "whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"  how have i not known this.
so i pose this to you: what would everyone like to see shitler sporting?

3. long hair, don't care.  love me some clay matthews.  love me some of this face because it's all like "mmm, sacked jay cutler 3.5 times?  nbd."

4. do not, under any circumstances, give me a sharpie and something i can deface.
because this happens.

5. one of my very best internet and blog friends in the entirety of the world drew me this picture.  it demonstrates how much she loves line dried sheets.

so there you have it.  high five.  it's friday.  get over there and do it yourself.

Coffee Talk Installment 1

i enjoy link ups and natalie.  so when she emailed me to tell me about her new link up she was starting i thought "why the fuck not?"  so the point is to answer the five questions that nat asks every week and then go ahead and link up to her each thursday.

here are her five question for this week.

1. it's finally fall!!  what are you looking forward to this year?
this.  all day sunday.  quad box in my face.

2. what fall item is in your closet that you can't wait to pull out?

ha, the question asks what i want to pull out.  i can't help but laugh.  but in all seriousness.  sweatshirts.  and giant, baggy sweaters.  anything i can drown in.

3. since halloween is is the first holiday to be celebrated, we all get treated to a horror movie marathon all month long...what is your favorite scary movie to watch?

the original nightmare on elm street, for sure.  amityville horror with ryan reynolds.  i'd let him axe-murder me; he's that damn hot.  and it might not a horror movie - but i'll take sjp as a deranged witch any day in hocus pocus.

4. what is your favorite fall treat (recipes welcome)?

toasted pumpkin seeds; all day, everyday.  plus, you can never go wrong with chili and i will have to give big ups to shitler since makes a mean beef stew.

5. Now that summer is finally over, what will you miss most about it?

definitely not being able to just float on the lake with a cocktail.  there's nothing better.  i'd also have to say that being back at the part-time job isn't all that exciting.  and general lounging out on the porch with pals (at home or the bar).

so there ya'll have it.  the first installment of coffee talk.  if you feel so inclined you should go and do likewise.

When Shitler Is Away, The Mice Will Play

and play we shall.  like on friday when this old man kept tapping my nose and telling me to stop teasing him.  which was confusing because i was just standing.  if sitting would i be less of a tease?  he never clarified.  but he did make things perfectly clear when he ran his fingers up my leg - under my dress.  i'm terribly sorry overweight-middle-aged-man - but i am not interested.

i'm working on some more substantial posts.  because it looks as though the only thing i do with my life is stare at pictures of food, drink, and take photos of adorable children.

which isn't all that terrible.  but i do other things.  like lay on the couch a lot.  and ridicule shitler.

High Five 4 Friday

i need to stop drinking my dinner.

with that said.  it's friday.
it's link-up time with lauren at from my grey desk.

1. my dogs are hairy. thusly, my entire house has dog hair everywhere.  
like we have a shop vac for that shit. 
like this picture is just from one dog after he got brushed.  yak-a-doodle.

2. i have made this roasted corn concoction every.single.day for the past week.  

and in case you were wondering - there hasn't been a day since where there wasn't corn in my poop.

3. this sad face.  why?  please tell me why you're so sad?  

because you're dating me? 

bastard.

4. stop being so awesome tracy.  it's been all-tracy-all-the-time this past week.

5. uhhhh, shit just got real.  mexico at the end of the month, fuck you very much.

also - i've just decided that i don't like the word garment.