three cheers for the holidays almost being over

is anyone even out there? i mean - it wouldn't shock me if not a soul was reading this. i wouldn't read it if i were you.  and mainly because of lack of content and also because if i could be anywhere right now it would be cocooned in my bed watching burlesque. but instead i'm here listening to the burlesque soundtrack instead.  because i'm a loser. and mainly i'm exhausted.  because of holiday shit and also work.  and also extra restaurant work which is an entire post in and of itself.
mainly i wanted to come here and ramble a bit.  because somehow allergies have hijacked my face and also because santa brought me my period for xmas and i sneezed through my tampon this morning on my to work and GIRLS YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.  and yesterday when i was at target losing my shit over all the sales i blacked out and bought way more stuff than i should have, then forgot to pick up dinner, and then after i picked up the 189 photos i had printed at walgreens the side of the box collapsed and spilled all 189 photos all over the wet, decembery (just made that up) walgreens parking lot.  so i guess i don't really know what's going on.  except that the stuff i bought is literally the most adorable stuff ever.  please see below.

but xmas, hey?  because we did some celebrating pre-christmas.  with people that we don't get to see all the time on account of the fact that they live in minnesota (lame).

and then for actual xmas i just hung out with a bunch of babies.  ADORABLE ONES.

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ALL OF THAT CUTENESS TO EXIST?

i don't even know.

and if you follow me on the gram then you've probably gotten real, real sick of the little E overload but i don't even care what you think because if you don't think she's adorable and you don't want to help me kidnap her then you're a terrorist.  

p.s. i only got to enjoy an hour of my family's xmas because i had to work at the restaurant.  i know - feel sorry for me.  but here's the post from my family's xmas last year.  it's about the same every year.  lots of dubstep, gangsta rap, and shenanigans.
and this is just my most favorite xmas related photo ever that you wouldn't know was even xmas related.

oh and also this one.  noobs.

a jumbled assortment

so last night i had the intention of writing something more awesome than normal.  but then i drank 1.75 bottles of wine, bought some party lite (because i had rewards that were going to expire so duh), and then passed out.  i may have also complained that i wasn't even feeling drunk after said 1.75 bottles of wine but i was drunk-ish enough to apparently put my check card someplace "safe" and then had a full-blown panic attack when i couldn't find it this morning.  how i think any place other than my wallet is a safe place for my check card is beyond me. so what i have for you today is a collection of random things from the past two weeks. i'm sorry in advance.

1// i'm not sure why i'm surprised each and every year when the temperature dips down below frigid.  i mean - it's wisconsin - land of the frozen tundra and whatnot.  but it has been like really, really super cold.  like zero fucking degrees.  like so cold that when you go outside it hurts to breath.  and also so cold that deadly icicles form outside the door and if you like don't hear from me suddenly please direct shitler to the icicle as the thing that murdered me.

2// mornings when i'm not hungover make me feel like that t-rex.  like back the fuck up world because i'm here to fuck shit up.  the other night (wednesday) i decided to drink boxed wine and i was misled because the box is deceiving and you don't know how much you're actually drinking and i over-served myself and then i got irrationally upset with shitler because he wouldn't take me to taco bell to get a taco when in reality i didn't even want a taco but apparently IT WAS THE PRINCIPLE.  so sorry shitler.  let's have tacos this weekend.

3// so my dad is on facebook.  and apparently likes boobs.  i just wasn't prepared to see that pop up in my facebook feed.  and in his defense front row amy is like a milwaukee brewers fixture so i'll let this slide this time GARY.  but i swear to god if he starts liking "big booty hoes" or some shit then i'm quitting facebook.

4// mac dizzle using his toy as a pillow.  what a doofus.  and really he only does that so murphy lee can't have it.  as dog parents we really failed at instilling "sharing is caring" to the boys.  we should probably start praying for whatever future spawn might come our way because they're screwed.

5// i fought snapchat for so long.  and i don't know why.  because i have one friend that sends the best snap chats with carefully drawn dicks and they make my whole entire world complete.  i like that he incorporated such a large penis in this picture of a wedding i was in.  i think it makes it more magical.  maybe the bride and groom want a copy of this one?

and DUH it's time for whitney.  and also jagged edge.  because how did i even forget about jagged edge?

i like to win the good things

so lots of times i see bloggers talking about how much they love the blog world and then like all the reasons why and for me most of those reasons are uber cheesy because they're all "ZOMG SO MUCH SUPPORT AND POSITIVITY" and i'm just over here ruminating in a hate stew at all the things.
but sometimes you go to the twat (twitter for those that don't know) and tweet something like "hey i'm at the bookstore and someone should probably go ahead and tell me what book i should read next."  and then you get a response that changes your life because someone suggests the fault in our stars.  but then that same person is there the next time you need a book suggestion.  and then even though you already went and did as they gently suggested and read eleanor & park they still remember you when they decide to do a blog giveaway that consists of books, and dvds, and music, and gift cards for books and they give you a heads up.  but then even better because like all your dreams come true and you win said giveaway.
so may i just introduce jenn from quirky pickings and LOOK IT'S XMAS EARLY.

but seriously jenn is THE best and has THE best giveaways.  in fact - she has one going on right now so you should probably head over there and enter.  because i'm fixing to win again.
QUIRKY PICKINGS - CLICK THIS LINK.

p.s. i didn't win dog doppelgangers.  just thought i should clear that up.

men i would have sex with that aren't shitler

so this weekend my company had its xmas party. just the annual event where you get to see your co-workers schnockered and dancing to terrible songs with awful dance instructions that i can't even follow along with sober. #cupidshuffle
but after a slew of drinks some ladies started talking about the hollywood actors they get a hall pass on from their husbands.  and then there was me across the table mumbling into my vodka press about the hunks i would forget shitler even existed for.
here's me in a nutshell.

tied for third are two men i would get way grabby with.

paul rudd.

because if he was my step-brother i would date him.  without a doubt.

and i would let him tell me all the reasons he knew i was gay.  that i would wear macramed jean shorts.  and that i liked coldplay.  and that also i had a rainbow bumper sticker on my car that says i love when balls are in my face (err, you get it).  paul rudd ya'll.  be still my heart.

russell brand.

i wish my brain would tell my heart to stop being in love with a man so dirty-looking.  but i just can't quit him.  the accent, the facial hair, his movies.  there was one time shitler and i watched get him to the greek like forty-seven days in row and it was quite easy to just sub russell in for shitler during my day to day activities.

also i would 100% smuggle heroin in my butt if he asked me to.

at second place.

ed norton.

but like more specifically ed norton in american history x.  which makes me uncomfortable.  like does this mean i'm a racist?  does curb stomping turn me on?  the answer is no.  

but he is just too much.  and if he wanted me to join a fight club and fight him i wouldn't even hesitate.

and i would definitely help him reevaluate his life if he only had 24 hours to do so (hello 25th hour).  

but from the comfort of a giant bed.  naked.

AAAAAAAAAAAAND drum roll please.  the top spot.

jeremy piven.

GIMME GIMME GIMME.

i have had a borderline psychotic obsession with him since before entourage so BACK OFF LADIES because i love jeremy so hard.  

his three best movies?  hands down PCU, Black Hawk Down, and Spy Kids: All the Time in the World.

and yes also Old School.
and hell to the yes for The Goods.

i think it's the sarcasm and the fast-talking biting wit that gets me.  it doesn't help that i'm extremely turned on my his entourage character.  and perhaps it's because he's so mean.  but i dig it.

and i would probably let him do butt stuff.

so there's that.  and now i'm just sitting here thinking straight up naughty things.

please excuse me.

i have to go change my underwear.
p.s. steve martin is also on my list but i fear people may not truly understand that.
who would you bang?

cute.

i think i'm a girl with jumbled priorities.
and by jumbled i mean abnormal.  but i think in the best possible way.
like the other day i was attempting to do blog-related things when i got distracted by a commercial on tv that mentioned something about trans-vaginal mesh.  and then i spent an hour googling trans-vaginal mesh related things and forgot about the blog things i had set out to do.
or when the movie honey came on tv and i literally dropped everything i was attempting to do (like laundry and dishes) and became 100% totally engrossed in it.  which is embarrassing because a toddler could probably follow the plot line with no problem.  HIP HOP AT THE CENTA.
or that i bought a second wedding dress the other day.  priorities people.
which got me to thinking about weddings/marriage/ridiculous people. one of my favorite people in the whole entire world, wendalyn lou, oftentimes tells me she doesn't understand how people like me since i'm usually such a giant bitch (and i took some liberties with her statement and she means it in the nicest way like ever).  and i have to admit that i just don't care.  like about anything.  
you don't like me?  i'll live and continue to sleep soundly at night. if you expect me to operate based on what society deems to be appropriate then your expectations of me will surely fall short. i've never been one to let other people's expectations dictate the way my life is going to pan out. marriage?  eh - if it happens it happens.  and if it doesn't then that's ok too. babies?  terrifying but if shitler knocks me up at some point then i guess i'll be a mom. and i guess what i'm trying to get at is the women that say they've been planning their wedding since they were a little girl?  why?  go the fuck outside because it's time to play ghost in the motherfucking graveyard not decide on color schemes and look at swatches.

because you know what's cute?  girls pitching fits that a man hasn't put a ring on it yet.  i bet you a million dollars your boyfriend has never been less attracted to you then when you're throwing a fit about not being engaged.

even cuter?  girls that give men ultimatums.  because nothing would make me feel better about that ring finger being frosted then knowing that it got there because i pressured the shit out of a dude and he didn't actually want to marry me of his own accord.
i guess i've seen and experienced too much of that type of thing with women around me and it makes my brain want to explode.  like weird chicks that i went to college with and happened to have a boyfriend when they graduated went and immediately got married.  like it was the next logical life step instead of making sure that it was happening because of the right reasons.  same thing with babies.  or certain women that think it's necessary to make getting to the altar a competition.  and trust me - they truly do exist and it's not cute.  plenty of people in my life got engaged and married before shitler and i did and those same people had been together a lot less time than we even were.  and you know what's normal?  to get pumped that there's an upcoming wedding to get beat up drunk at.
so basically the moral of the story is that women should stop caring so much. the wedding i'm planning involves a two week vacation and a beach and it's turning out to be way more work than i can handle (which if you're wondering how much work i can handle - the answer is none).
and ladies relax.  shitler proposed after thirteen years of me making his life miserable.
he hit the jackpot when he decided to make me mrs shitler.

i hope some of that made sense.  because bitches be crazy.
p.s.  my lady garden hasn't been a priority lately.  so i should probably make an appointment to get waxed. because guess who else participated in no-shave-november?  my vagina.

this girl sure does twirl

so i've been blogging for awhile now.  nothing that i ever think is all that important. but i just come here and say things and then you kids read them and sometimes you kids even like them. and then it tends to feel like i'm just over here winning all of the things. and when you start a blog you don't know all the tiniest of nuances that exist. like the fucking blate.  or paid sponsorship posts.  or guest posts. or in my case trying to actually post anything.  so like i mentioned awhile back - i got the brilliant idea (while drunk) that maybe i should offer some paid sponsorship spots.  and then WHOA.  people bought them.  and then i died a little because it meant i would have to actually follow through on something that i didn't remember even putting together.  but here we are.  because it's the moment of truth.  
please don't be too hard on me kids.
because i figured that instead of doing the sponsorship where someone just guest posts here and tries to sell you on themselves - that i could do that.  you know - for those people. i feel like i don't even need to introduce this blogger. this bitch does it all.  she blogs consistently (which i repeatedly fail to do). plus she gives shit away and i think she likes social media just as much as i do. plus - from the first time i read her blog it was evident that she was just a plain nice person with a side of snark (which i enjoy immensely).
and frankly her very evident love of all things music just make constantly want to tell her this.

did you figure it out?  do you know who it is?

drum roll please.

because sometimes she tries to out-GIF me. like when she laid out her whole day in her movie quote post.  except instead of michael and hugo you just add shitler and two flea bags and poof there's my day.  and speaking of michael it was almost impossible for me not to write this entire thing about him (sorry helene) but like how can you not?  because there is nothing, and i mean nothing, better than a man dressed as miley cyrus and just twerking it.

via

or she goes and posts something that i would have without a doubt made fun of all on my own.  but she went ahead and beat me to the punch by doing it herself.  because her cheesy engagement photos are ones i'm tempted to print and hang up in my house and then tell people those pictures are the people that came in the frame.  

via

and lastly sometimes i can't help but hate-read along with her blog when she talks about all her stupid travels.

because HI I WANT TO DO ALL THOSE THINGS BUT I'M BROKE SO THANKS FOR RUBBING IT IN.  which is even worse because she hasn't even extended an invite for me to tag along or pay for my fucking plane ticket.
and i can't even pick a favorite picture from her travels because that bitch has been errrrrrywhere.

so to recap.

if i ran the world and things were up to me and i was making you read five posts from helene they would be these:

michael as miley

engagement photo sesh for the win

that movie quote post chock full of GIFs

she doesn't watch any bravo housewives

her stupid travels (BTW - just go ahead and search the word "travel" on her blog and then wish you would have just packed yourself along in one of their suitcases).

so go read her blog.  as if for some reason you already aren't.

ok so there it is.  my first ever sponsorship post.  

i hope i did something some justice.

and if you're interested in your own sponsorship spot you can go ahead and click here to find out more.

home, home on the gun range

show of hands for all the lady gun lovers in the house?  err. on the blog?  in the blog?  whichever.
PSA - i'm not here to start a debate about gun ownership vs. gun control either.
i just have to respectfully say that i like that there are guns in the house i live in.  that i like the fact that i have a fiance that rocks his conceal and carry license and that i certainly like the fact that i'm able to have the opportunity to operate all types of firearms.
i think some hesitancy towards guns comes from people's lack of knowledge and confidence in operating them to begin with.  i certainly don't ever want to be put in a situation where i would need to use a gun to protect myself but if push came to shove and i absolutely had to then so be it.  and frankly no one can ever deny the rush you get when shooting a gun at the gun range.  there is nothing, and i mean nothing, better.
and to reiterate - if you don't like guns that's ok.  just don't take away my right to own one. and also i'll totally still protect you if i needed to non-gun-loving-friends.

i mean - i like to think i handled shitler's gun like a champ.

MEE.YOW. p.s. the friday of opening weekend shitler called me because he was freaking pumped to go hunting and very excitedly screamed "I JUST WANT TO KILL SOMETHING."  to which i replied "i really hope you're not in a public place right now." p.p.s.  this.

the greatest conversation ever had

what does michael vick, shitler, and an arby's employee have in common? only the most incredible conversation ever.  that's what.
on tuesday shitler came home looking slightly weirded out. naturally i was only semi-concerned but mostly nosy about the weirdness.  he told me that he had just gotten done in the arby's drive-thru (p.s. i was appalled because shitler bowls on tuesdays and they have $1 tacos at the bowling alley so frankly i was offended that he would choose arby's over delicious budget tacos - BUT I DIGRESS).
shitler kind of sighed, put his hands in his pockets, and said "i just had the weirdest conversation ever." and then here's me like "OMG DO TELL."
it went like this. shitler pulled up to the arby's drive-thru, ordered his food, and pulled around to pay.  he was greeted with an employee that i can only think to say is starved for attention because the man immediately struck up a personal conversation with my shitler.  noting that shitler was wearing a camouflage sweatshirt he inquired as to whether shitler was a hunter and if so was he excited for the season?  shitler said he was excited.  then he was handed his food.  but the man wasn't done with the conversation.  not by a long shot.  it continued like so:
p.s. i'm going to name this arby's man kevin.  it just makes sense in my head. arby's man kevin: lemme ask you a question.  do you think what michael vick did was wrong?  and be honest.  shitler: uhhh ya.  he hung dogs. arby's man kevin: how is that any different than deer hunting? shitler: well, one is legal and the other is illegal. arby's man kevin: but the dogs lost.  when you lose you should die. shitler: uhhhhh *slowly easing his truck away from the window* arby's man kevin: i think we should legalize people being able to kill all animals. shitler: uhhhhh *SPEEDS OFF*
and then i was all "you know he's a serial killer, right?" and then also "WHY DO YOU GET TO HAVE ALL THE GOOD CONVERSATIONS WITH STRANGE EMPLOYEES?!"
also by arby's man kevin's logic michael vick and shitler are one and the same.

i totally see the resemblance, do you?
and naturally HI WHITNEY.

sponsor post: U by Kotex should be your go-to tampon brand. duh.

can we talk about tampons? for like a hot minute?
kidding.  for like an entire post. but really - how do we not talk about this more?  it's not like the red death that visits us ladies monthly doesn't give us plenty of fodder to write about.  and if you're like me you've had actual, terrible monthly experiences at the hands of your monthly visitor. like sneezes and coughs that led you to being sent home from jobs.  YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
maybe casually standing in the produce section of the grocery store just minding your own business admiring some red seedless grapes when you happen to feel something dripping onto your feet and it's then that it feels like the world is actually out to get you.
and guess what?  all these things happen to like a lot women. and maybe if you want you can come talk about it here.  BECAUSE THIS IS A SAFE SPACE. but really.  i have only ever used the kotex brand.  like always.  and i'm going to say this now and i'm not lying but it is my go.to.brand. since i was sixteen years old (when i got my lady friend).
so seriously.  this is a sponsor post.  and my first one - at that.  so i don't want to make it something that totally makes you think that this is sponsor post. because if there is something that i'm unnaturally passionate about - it's tampons.  because seriously - how can you not be passionate about things that are so vital to womanly existence once a month (unless you prefer pads and in that case we can no longer be friends).  
i was semi-kidding about the pad thing because if that's your thing then that's cool but you for sure should stick with kotex.  because they are, literally, the only company that i have ever used and they are the only company that i will use for the rest of my life.  

as for any real life examples - please know that they work.  because there is literally nothing that i would endorse here that didn't work.  and if there is something that i take seriously it's mother f'ing tampons.  when kotex sent me these i used them immediately.  and had zero problems.  and by zero problems you ladies know exactly what i mean without going into something super, really graphic.
they work.  trust.me.
these babies were the first ones i went to when my monthly friend visited me. and they will be the only ones i go from here on out.  and can i mention that should you need a sample in order to convince you of its effectiveness then you for sure can.  all you need to do is go HERE and you can get your own sample to help convert you to the U by Kotex side with me.  and the fact of the matter is that if a company will put themselves out there by giving you a sample in order to prove that they're the best company out there for you then i don't how you don't go with them.

i'm going to go ahead and help you here by posting various links that will get you where you need to be.
find kotex on facebook here. find kotex on twitter here.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
also you should for sure try this brand because i'm the only person that made my dog pose with the
U by Kotex tampon.

I wrote this review while participating in a content series through Clever Girls Collective on behalf of U by Kotex, and received products to facilitate my post and compensation for my time to participate.

in the very near future

once upon a time i blogged on a semi-regular basis. that time is not right now.  whoops.
so today i'm going to take a moment to tell you about the upcoming things you'll be seeing round these parts.
1// i think the world should be slightly frightened when samm and i get to brainstorming.  it's just that we, as two terrible human beings, really draw out the best (and by best i mean worst) in each other.  just recently we got to talking and then designing and then creating and hopefully by december 1st we'll be able to deliver an early x-mas present to the world.  pray for us.  and our follow-through.
2// i'm writing my first-ish sponsor post.  it's about tampons.  so far i have like two paragraphs written and then it dawned on me that it covers none of the required content.  so basically i'm super talented.  and good at following directions.  but tampons are important.  so be on the look-out for that next week.
3// remember that time i talked about not being a fat ass?  and also about holding myself accountable?  while i didn't fall off the wagon, per se, i'm definitely not like all the way following through.  so that should hopefully change.  if not next week then for the week after.
4// one time i got super drunk and decided i should offer paid sponsorships on my blog.  then i proceeded to forget all about it.  until two people bought those spots.  and then i was super confused.  and then i had to go read my sponsorship options.  and then i had a nervous breakdown.  so thanks helene and nikki for being patient.  it's happening.  i swear.  and in the meantime i extended your time on my sidebar on account of my inherent remedial-ness.
5// my dogs still have fleas.  i wrote about it here.  and as if i wasn't a big enough whack job as it is their constant presence and perseverance in the face of all i have tried to do to murder them (the fleas, not my dogs) is pushing me further and further into a black hole of despair and insanity.  ask whit - she gets it.  but so i called my vet - to like ask her opinion on flea bomb related foggers for the home.  and she recommended against it.  because of the chemicals.  and now she probably thinks i'm a terrible fur-mom because i was all "LOOK LADY CAN I ORDER EXTRA CHEMICALS IN MY FLEA BOMBS BECAUSE I'M DESPERATE AND ON SO THE BRINK OF A FLEA BREAKDOWN THAT I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT THE CHEMICALS.  GIVE ME AN EXTRA HELPING OF CHEMICALS.  THEY WON'T DIE (the fleas, not my dogs)."
6// i'm going with shitler to some sort of gun range on sunday.  he needs to do something with his rifle before he embarks on his war on deer.  i'm in the mood to shoot guns so he better hand it over to me when he's done sighting in that gun of his (in my mind that sounds dirty and i like it).
also this picture from our mexican adventure last year. i added song lyrics.  because i can.  and it's shitler's favorite dave song "pig" so it seemed appropriate.

and also let us #backthatazzup

with whit.

k BYE.