house recap installment 1

i'm one hundred percent going to drag this rearrangement post into two, possibly three, posts.

to be obnoxious.

this post WILL NOT include pictures of lord hairless or the cat figurines.

those are for next week.  or if i'm feeling especially cruel - the week after next week.

but it will include a picture of the giant rabbit that i love and also a picture of an overly excited murphy lee (btw, he looks like a total mouth breather in the picture).

so to recap - shitler decided we need to be adults.  

and after he convinced me that this was, in fact, not a drill i unhappily complied.  

so naturally, the first thing i did was immediately buy something that would display some of my booze.

so i got myself a cute little rolley-type-cart-thing to put my wine in.  

and it's a blessing and a curse.  because i'm constantly drinking wine.  and then constantly wanting wine in the cart-thing to make it look nice so i'm just constantly buying more wine but then i'm just constantly drinking it all over again because it's sitting in there taunting me.  i think the word we're looking for here is viscous circle.

oh  who is that you ask?

that's rick.

the giant bunny i received at a work function white elephant party and is now the bane of shitler's existence.

i'm genuinely shocked that rick hasn't met some sort of unfortunate demise by now.

but  he hasn't.  so where better to display rick than under all my booze?

i need you all to know that shitler literally got off on buying home furnishings.

which concerned me.  but then i realized it was one less thing that i had to do.

so i just embraced it when he called to excitedly tell me that he had purchased an ottoman (that a had compartment for all of our blankies), a floor lamp, new blinds, and an area rug (his exact words).

in the past i've collected various things to hang on the walls but there has rarely been and rhyme or reason as to why they are where they are.  like shitler pointed out that i just hung things on nails that were already in the wall.  and then i was all "meh."

but this time shitler suggested we hang things on the wall with a purpose.

so i present to you my wall of andys.

lastly for this post is an overly excited murphy lee.

he's probably thanking his canine overlord that his mom and dad are done trying to pretend to be adults.

or at least that he has his couch back because it had been a real inconvenience when there was various woods and tools all over them and like WHERE WAS HE SUPPOSED TO SLEEP --- LIKE ON THE FLOOR OR SOMETHING?!  don't worry murph lee.  all is as it should be.

p.s. don't mind those weird wooden table things.  we've had them for years (i think from my friend, bowser) and shitler has been going on and on about he's going to sand them and then do something with them but i've yet to see anything come to fruition.  so now they're just there.  which probably isn't for the best because it's just one more surface in the house for me to spread all my crap on.  which shitler is never a fan of.

still to come - throw pillows and knick-knacks.

at least pretend you're excited.

the only prescription is more cow bell. or funny cat pictures.

my life for the past week has consisted of OD'ing on various cold medicines and plowing through boxes of kleenex.
and then sometimes coughing so much i throw up the cold medicine i just took so then i have re-ingest the medicine.  last night i laid on the couch and drifted in and out of consciousness while watching pretty little liars until i decided to take enough nyquil to take down a goddamn elephant.  so basically things have been super awesome in my neck of the woods.

this is what i have surrounding me at all times of the day:

but in attempts to make myself feel better i've been looking at a lot of cats that look like hitler.
which doesn't really help my disgusting cold because they end up making me laugh, and then i choke on my own mucus, and then snot drips out of my nose, and then i get irrationally angry because shitler won't make out with me at that exact moment in time.
but this is my favorite cat that looks like hitler.

via

what do you do to make yourself 

feel better when you're sick?

the time i got almost arrested

i'd be lying if i said i did anything on time.
and if there is ever an example of not doing things on time biting you in the ass it's the time i got almost arrested.

let me paint you a picture.
the time comes for me to renew my license plate tags (which basically means shelling out $75 for the state to hand you some stickers that state the current year).  but i don't.  instead i continue driving around like this won't get me a ticket.  which, it inevitably does.
so to keep you up to speed i am now in the hole $85 for the new license plate tags (because there's now a $10 late fee tacked on) and now $113 for having expired license plate tags.
so naturally i toss the ticket into the black hole that is the back seat of my car and continue on with my life.
the deadline to pay my ticket comes and goes.  without me paying it.  obviously.  and i have just gotten around to actually getting the new license plate tags when it turns out i'm no longer just someone that doesn't do things on time but i have now evolved into a fugitive.

i'm minding my own business, working a shift at the restaurant, when shitler calls.
the conversation went something like this:
shitler: uhhh the cops were just at the house looking for you?
me: huh?  why?
shitler: i don't know.  i'm not your husband so they wouldn't tell me.
me: so what did they say?
shitler: they asked if you were home.  and i told them you were at the restaurant.
me: you fucking NARCED me out?!
shitler: relax.  they were cops from our town.  the restaurant is in a different town.  they probably can't do anything.  but in the meantime - you might want to find out what they want.
me: i will.  but you're still a narc-bastard.

the following day, while at my day job, i make some calls.
turns out that if you don't pay your ticket they'll issue ANOTHER ticket in the form of a bench warrant for your arrest.  so naturally - i get on the phone, make a couple more calls, and get it paid for.  my day continues and i'm at my restaurant job just dicking around.

not actually doing this but sheningans like this are pretty typical.

much to my surprise two cops (one played good cop and the other bad) come in looking for "shannon." i identify myself and i am immediately snatched, whipped around, and slapped with hand cuffs.  they march me outside and begin this line of questioning:
bad cop: do you know why you're being arrested?  i have an inkling.
bad cop: so have you paid your ticket?  yes, today at lunch.
bad cop: what time was your lunch?  noon.  i took my lunch break and ordered jimmy john's.
good cop: oh!  do you know so and so?!  from your work?  yes.
good cop: great, tell him i say hi.  will do.  when these handcuffs are off.
bad cop: do you know who you spoke with when you paid your ticket?  no.
bad cop: do you have a receipt number?  no.
bad cop: how can we believe that you actually paid the ticket?  take my word for it?
bad cop: let me make some calls.  ok.

the bad cop informs me that after making several phone calls he could find no record of me having paid the ticket.
in the meantime this has gone on for about a half hour, in the sweltering heat, wearing all black, in hand cuffs.
i try to insist to the cop that i'm sure he hears it every day that someone is claiming to have done something they didn't actually do.  but i did pay the ticket.  i was just too remedial to think i would need some sort of receipt because i never thought that cops did something as pointless as arrest people for having a passed due ticket for a license plate registration.  the conversation ended like this:

bad cop: well, you have two options.
a. you pay the ticket again.  then if you did actually pay it we will issue you a refund.
b. we take your word for it and let you go.  but know this - if i get to work tomorrow and there isn't proof that you have paid this ticket i will be back here so fast your head will spin.  and i will slap cuffs on you and charge you with obstruction of justice.

me: uhhhh, option b.

so they release me.  and now i'm no longer under arrest.
so i go back inside, where i now have much more street cred than before, and regale to my co-workers the tale of the most ridiculous thing that has ever happened to me.  about five minutes go by when bad cop pops his head back into the restaurant and informs me that they found the paperwork.  and that was that.

not the time i got almost arrested - but the feeling is similar.

have you ever gotten actually arrested?

tell me what you know about dreamin', dreamin'

so i totally try to pretend i haven't passed my prime.
but this weekend proved that i am.  because although i powered through like a boss i am definitely feeling the effects of not being able to just lay on my couch all weekend and watch catfish.
you're probably not wondering at all what i did but i'm for sure going to tell you anyway.
i'm linking up with sami to spread the good word.

friday consisted of popping bottles with my lady friend.
saying "popping bottles" makes me fell like a rap star so i'm going to continue to say that.
then we made super attractive faces, took pictures, and sent them to my brother.
mature - i know.

saturday i spent money on candles that i didn't need.
and then had to work.  AND THEN belatedly celebrated my baby brother's 21st birthday where we all tried to pretend that we were on jersey shore and didn't go out till the bars till like 11.30pm. but that shit was a blasty.
like dance party and just shut shit down.

 

and then sunday i laid on the couch while mac did things like this:

OH - and i made uncle rico look like a drunk.

so actually my weekend was full of tons of stuff and it was so awesomely, terrible.

high five 4 friday

you guys i have the BEST news.
i only work one job today.  and for the love all things holy i am freaking pumped.
remember that one rap song with the dance and the words "it's goin' dowwwwn."?
ya well, whatever that song is is basically what i'm feeling about tonight.

but it's friday.  and i missed last week.  which is terrible.  
so let's get to it and link up with lauren at from my grey desk.

1. i'm no longer even slightly embarrassed to admit that i watched season one of the client list.
you know - the show where jennifer love hewitt stars as the prostitute that's JUST DOING IT TO SUPPORT HER FAMILY.  well - season two is almost upon us and i literally cannot wait.

2. baby b was out of town on a southern style hometown visit for like ten goddamn days.

BUT SHE'S BACK. and here's a picture of a sleeping baby b and i die for it.

3. one of my bridesmaids was tailor-made for my mexican wedding.  and nothing is better than getting photos from her of different suggestions for the wedding.  normal suggestions are probably pictures of wedding dresses, flowers, shoes, etc.  but not her.  what she sends me is even better and much more appropriate.
please see below:

4. we've re-arranged and re-arranged and it's all made me want to do is just want to fuck shit up.  i've written about it here and here.  so if you'd like to go back and review - you certainly can.  next week thursday will be the big reveal.  but in the meantime - i wanted to give you this sneak peek of lord hairless.

5. and last but certainly not least i need everyone to know that tonight is going to be awesome.  because i get to spend it with a girl that i would totally leave shitler for.  i'm practically forcing her to date one of my brothers and then like maybe if it doesn't work out with one brother then she can just date my other brother. so basically i just want her to be in my life for fucking ever.

and i mean - do you blame me?  how hot is she?

have a rowdy weekend ya'll.

it only makes sense that my house would be life my life. which is a disaster.

i honestly don't understand the people who enjoy decorating/re-arranging. 
the process is beyond exhausting.
i told ya'll about the beginning process here - in case you want to review.
and since i lack on basic follow through it's pretty typical for me to get a quarter of the way through and then proceed to moan and groan and want to throw in the towel and just lay on the couch.  
BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE - because the couch is covered in shit that doesn't belong on it because of the re-arranging.  and then i just want to be all "OH MY GOD let's just hire someone to do this."  and then i remember that we're poor.  so we have to do it ourselves.  but that means i have to clean.   and then i can't get over this overwhelming feeling that the whole world is out to get me.

so that disaster up there was my life for a good two days.  shit everywhere.
and although i am by no means a tidy person the situation was basically driving me to drink more than usual.
and then there's the whole now-i-have-to-buy-some-new-shit-to-put-on-the-walls-but-i'm-still-poor-so-the shopping-isn't-even-all-that-fun.  because that's basically the worst (first world problems, i know).  because maybe you want two cat figurines but you can only afford one.  and what about all the obnoxious shit you want to put on the walls?  and by all i mean ALL.  but i can't have it all.  so i have to settle for just one or two.  and there's picture frames that i need to buy.  and have you guys bought picture frames lately?  they're mother f'ing expensive.  and don't even get me started on throw pillows because the sheer concept of them practically gives me an aneurysm.  so the entire process is a slow process and that's tough to wrap my brain around because i just want it all done.

and so do these guys.  they love the couch as much their momma does.

but fear not.  things have come together in a very average manner.
things are on the walls.  i think the general aesthetic i'm going for is clear.
the reveal is scheduled for next week.  so if you care you should come back on thursday.

SO DO YOU CARE?

WILL YOU COME BACK?!!?!?!

everyone gets a HUMPBACK WHAAAAAAAAAAAALE

please tell you've seen that dane cook bit?
where he pretends to be oprah and give away humpback whales to everyone.
maybe just watch this poor quality video i found on the internet to get the idea.
because this is how i feel when i give shit away.  and i need us to be on the same page.

because i joined up with ever lovely tarole over at one haloe girl to help give away $100 dollars in the form of a gift card to anywhere PLUS a $25 etsy gift card.
so YOU'RE WELCOME.
so the rules are below.
so enter ya'll.  it'll be the basically the best thing you do all day.

February Group Giveaway Sponsors

 

Open to US and Canada only. 

This giveaway is to say thank you to all of our lovely readers - if you don't want to follow like a participant's blog, don't enter.

Please refer to Terms and Conditions on Rafflecopter for full rules.

Enter away!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway