yesterday was one of those days where i felt the need to rage in straight godzilla-destruction mode.
there wasn't any particular reason for it.
but i was in one of those "i'm in limbo" moods.
the kind where you're not unhappy but you're certainly not happy.
you're not tragically upset about anything in particular but you're almost dangerously indifferent to the point where the most unassuming thing could set you off and then all hell will break loose.
and frankly nothing snapped me out of it.
i just floated through the day teetering on the edge of a menacing apocalypse.
so i came up with some general advice for interacting with me:
do not ask me stupid questions.
do send me funny cat pictures.
do not leave me goddamn voicemails.
do text me inappropriate things littered with profanity.
do not forego deodorant.
do bring me pickles as a peace offering if you've angered me.
do not not anger me.
do bring me pickles anyway.
do not ask me if i want to get drunk (that's a stupid question).
do not think i give any fucks about anything you're trying to tell me (unless it's about funny cats, booze, or pickles because then i'm all ears).
do make smacking me on the ass a top priority.
do not put olives on your fingers and chase me around.
do watch the video below.
are we clear?
because i won't hesitate to come
at you like a spider monkey.
YES YES YES. I can totally relate to this post.
ReplyDeleteI do have a question for you....may or may not be stupid. I'm still going to ask it cause you know me and you know I never have a single fuck to be given.
Is it okay if I text you a picture of a rhino instead? Cats are so 2012.
this quite perfectly describes how I felt yesterday. And now i want an f-ing pickle!
ReplyDeleteAwww. Somebody had a case of the Mondays.... but we're all over it right??? And wasn't I the one who texted you a funny photo of a cat??? While PRETENDING that I was smackin that ass. Cause I will, infact... wax dat ass.
ReplyDeletePs. fuck fuck fuck fuck bitch dick licker cunt fuck fuck ballsack motherfucker.....
feel better yet????
FRIED PICKLES. FRIED PICKLES. FRIED PICKLES.
ReplyDeletehahah this is fantastic. I especially love the note about voicemails. Let's be honest - I'm not going to listen to it. ever.
ReplyDeleteEXACTLY. i'm for sure just going to delete and probably not call you back.
DeleteI. Fucking. Love. Pickles.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am still in pms-hell-limbo mood. SEND ALL THE PICKLES.
Yes! I was in one these moods yesterday as well. Ended the night at the bar with a pickleback and a plate of tator tots. I feel much better today.
ReplyDeleteI would smack your ass if I could.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I would smack it with a pickle.
Anything and everything about Talladega Nights makes me happy.
ReplyDeleteexcellent. let's just throw in the towel on our days and watch that movie on a loop.
DeleteLoved everything about this. Hate voicemails, never listening to it ever. Deleting now. HATE, hate, hate olives. More gin, less olives.
ReplyDeleteOh I know that feeling...
ReplyDeleteUgh I hate voice mails and tell every one to not leave them. And if they do I will intentionally not call them back.
ReplyDeleteDangerously indifferent...teetering on the edge of a menacing apocalypse...I've had this! I've never heard it put so succinctly, this is awesome! You get it, man. :D You speak for all who are baring their teeth too hard to speak.
ReplyDeletei want to know i whore you around to all my friends who 'don't read blogs'. we talk about you as a friend, cos. you're maniacal like us.
ReplyDeleteWith all due respect and remember I'm saying with all due respect... that idea ain't worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin getting it on.... I didn't even watch the video, I knew that by heart.
ReplyDeleteNow I want pickles.
oh, i know that feeling all too well. it's like i want the whole world to die and leave me alone.
ReplyDeleteand the whole world should die because that would make me happy. and i deserve to be happy.
DeleteI feel the need to get on a roof and scream YES! Also? I don't know what to do with my hands.
ReplyDeleteI haven't watched Talladega Nights in far too long, thanks for reminding me, shannon and baby jesus. I'll remember to bring pickles when I come visit.
ReplyDeleteI feel like this at work when I'm waitressing on difficult customers. In my head, I'm like "Do NOT ask me to make your pasta softer or I will snap."
ReplyDeleteWe all have those days!
- Heather
www.sarcasmandstilettos.com
WAIT - making pasta softer is a thing? like an actual thing?
Delete