go shawty

that's just me kids.  channeling miss new york.  

and if i had a blog world re-entrance that would definitely be it.

unless no one noticed that i was semi-absent.  in which case i'm just embarrassed for myself.

humor me kids and act like you missed me.

except i wasn't all that absent if you follow me on ginstagram, facebook, twitter, etc.

and if you do i'd like to issue an apology right here and now because that was ever so obnoxious on those social media outlets this weekend and if i annoyed you then you should probably just get over it because the booze made me do it.

i'm typically like 100% secretive about anything related to my birthday.

nothing is more obnoxious than getting facebook birthday wishes from people you haven't talked to in years and probably didn't even like to begin with.  i don't even have it listed on facebook and last year i made it until 5PM on my birthday without anyone wishing me any type of birthday wish on ass-book.  until i made the mistake of bragging about that fact to shitler and then he blasted it all over the facebook world and then i was fucked.

so what you won't find on this blog is birthday giveaways or annoying crap like that.

instead you will find pictures of me drinking.  which isn't anything different than any other day of my life except that i feel better about behaving like this:

and i did get drinks.  many of them.

and most of them in shot form.

i've talked about the northwoods before and how i'm absolutely convinced that all booze tastes better up there but i'm also convinced that all birthdays are just like auto-awesome when up there.  

the day was spent boating and bar-hopping with shitler and two of my other favorite people in the world (who i just so happened to introduce and then they got married so basically i'm a match-maker) ryder and wendy.  these people know me well.  so well in fact that my presents from my matched friends included a fantastic shirt and a bag full of beef jerky.

and also shitler got me a giant printer so i can wi-fi print the obscene amount of pictures i take as well as a portable charger thingy for my phone.  which happens to be my favorite thing ever.  and he's basically enabling me.  because he already hates how much i'm on my phone and he's just helped to feed the beast BECAUSE MY PHONE WILL NEVER DIE.

lastly i'm going to regale you with a tale of drunkenness. 

memorial day began like any other celebratory day.  with german food, beer, and irish car bombs.

except someone probably should have ingested more than a cup of soup and a soft pretzel with cheese.  because the rest of the day included obnoxious amounts of shots, cocktails, and drinks in miniature buckets.
there was a shot-paddle.  and more shots.
there was also interactions with strangers like this:

stranger: LOVE your shirt.

hot mess: you sure do.

there was a trip to the grocery store where the hot mess yelled out the window on multiple occasions to get a BAG OF CHEESE and VIDALIA ONION.  a VIDALIA ONION.  then later a dish was broken, someone wasn't allowed to use a knife to cut things (for obvious reasons), and when all the ingredients were assembled together the drunkard mumbled "this doesn't look right" in regards to the cheesy, hashbrown casserole.

the drunkard being this girl:

which led to me drunk-making my own birthday cake.

WHICH WAS DELIGHTFUL.  regardless of its less than aesthetically pleasing look.

so all's well that ends well.  as long as there are shots involved.  and beef jerky.  and friends.

also i'm super attractive.

p.s. i believe there are some shots that i took in an attempt to be super artsy but i don't know how well they turned out because i was drunk.  not as drunk as wendy.  but definitely drunk enough to think that everything i was doing was meaningful in some way, shape, or form.

p.p.s. i know i said you won't find a birthday giveaway but i am feeling generous so if you want me to send you a miniature bottle of booze then just send me your address and i'll probably send you something at some point in time.  like by the end of the year for sure.  in which case i can pretend it's your x-mas present.

p.p.p.s. this whole three day work week i'm currently in the middle of is like a thousand times better than a five day work week.  we should try and pass a law to make it happen officially.

p.p.p.p.s. i forgot i basically shot-gunned/beer-bonged a beer out of a gnome.  which we should also make happen.