trying to keep it up

i'm going to do this thing called posting. and it's going to be weird.

1// shitler is pumped for all the various gun accessories he can buy for the new whip.  and i hate to admit that i don't even mind the look of a damn gun rack in betty.  i'm not sure what that says about me.
2// slight rant - hulu can lick my balls.  i'm constantly having problems with it.  either none of the episodes i want to actually watch even load or every time you try to find an episode that you would like to watch you're faced with the problem of practically finding a needle in a haystack.  so basically i've come to an impasse during my enjoyment of scandal and new girl.  until netflix came riding in like a knight in shining armor to save me scandal season 2 on streaming.  holler at your girl netflix because i'm totally buying us BFF necklaces.
3// since getting betty i have officially been in car washes more in a two week span than i have my entire life.  and i have a favorite one (and no it's not shitler's because that one is 45 minutes away).  but it's the one that has the thirty-seven different colored soaps they spray onto your car and then i feel like popping in a grateful dead cd and maybe mixing myself a mushroom/LSD/marijuana cocktail and have myself a car party.
4//  speaking of betty.  those smelly gross things i call my dogs aren't allowed in any place other than in the way back seat in a little place we like to call DOGGY JAIL.  i would like to confine all that dog hair to one section of the vehicle and i certainly don't need mac's boner rubbing all over all the seats.
5//  i started re-reading one of my all.time.favorite books.  if you haven't read sharp objects than i suggest you stop everything you're doing today and get cracking on it.  it's the same author of gone girl and in my opinion sharp objects is a bajillion times better (if that's even possible) and it's so supremely fucked up which in turn makes it so amazingly good.
so there.  five things i'm high-fiving. and most of them were about the newish car.  how lame.
sidenote - i feel like i've put backing dat azz up on the back burner.  which is never fun and super frowned upon.
but there's no time like the present.  so here we go whit.

i'm here. and i'm inappropriate.

hi friends. what's the good word? TELL ME EVERYTHING.
but anyway.  the other day i was thinking about how much i hate working at the restaurant and how mostly it made me hate myself more than i normally did on a daily basis.  but then i also started thinking about how the restaurant is the place (besides in the home) where i'm most comfortable being my highly inappropriate self and have it be accepted by actual other human beings.
so here is the first installment of "shit you hear in a restaurant kitchen."
from me: "SON OF A BITCH.  diego? jose? miguel?  which one of you keeps putting canned goods in my purse?"
from suddenly scott: "when people look at me they think sunshine! handsome! pina colada!  i just picked up my shirt from martinizing - i don't even need to pop my collar."
from me: "i'm going to cut the dick off the next person that takes my food."
from me: "is the new busser eighteen?  i don't feel like censoring myself but i also don't feel like going to jail."
from me: "quit acting like you don't like getting elephant trunked."
from blake the busser: "i swear to god if i have to be in the dish pit one more time i'm going to masturbate."
from me: "what do i need to do to get sent home?  if i shit my pants will that do the trick?"
whispered in my ear from diego the line cook: "i'm going to eat your ass raw." my response: "like eat it till it's raw?  or like raw in the opposite of being cooked?  which, either way, i don't get it.
you should work on your english."
and sometimes people just hang their bras up.

beast mode

popping in so i can post this beast of a giveaway.
and without offending you i don't know why you wouldn't want to enter this because it's FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS.  i know no one that doesn't need and/or want that kind of cash money.

so don't be stupid.  ENTER THE DAMN GIVEAWAY.

Rafflecopter HTML a Rafflecopter giveaway

my best friend got married and she's stupid pretty

somehow a wedding that wasn't even mine broke me. a five hour drive on thursday morning to minnesota, four hours of making like ten gallons of gazpacho, then two hours of making too much chicken salad, and then a delicious wedding, and then a giant party, followed by another five hour trip home to wisconsin in like a span of three-and-a-half days will do that to a person. i have to admit that it's pretty nice to have a best friend that just gets everything about you and you just love everything about them in return.  and even though you live in different states there's no other person in the world that you would drop everything for in a heartbeat.  and it's even nicer when that best friend fits in perfectly with you and your fiance and people used to refer to the three of you as "the tripod" and even nicer when that best friends finds a person that is so fantastic for her and she gets to spend the rest of her life with that person. i will admit that what i don't like about that best friend is that she's tall, and skinny, and pretty. and also in her wedding photos she looks like goddamn audrey hepburn.  bitch. here's a lot of photos.

that's a wrap kids. linking up with sami to do the damn thing.

on this day

the day of my best friend's wedding.

which is actually tomorrow. but you get it. 

so because i have a lot of celebrating to do i won't have time for any of you and i don't even care.  BYE. 

the opposite of winning a car on the price is right

oh hey. how are you kids doing today? if you're me then you're mediocre.  why? because this weekend shitler and i bought me a big girl car and now i have a big girl car payment. so i'm in that mode where, while the new car is exciting, the impending dread of how even more broke i will be come october is setting in.  being an adult blows. BUT - i figured i would tell you the tale of me and the new car and hopefully it will be advantageous to you in the future should you need to refer to how not to buy a car.
do fill out the credit application before your appointment at the car dealership. do not forget your ID at work and have to have the CFO of the company come let you in on a saturday morning.
do take a xanax before sitting down in the finance office to finalize the deal (i didn't and it was terrible). do not forget to deposit money into your account before said appointment and have to clarify that the check you are writing will not be cashed until monday.
do drink heavily after you've signed your entire life away on the dotted line (my friend forced moonshine on me). do not get behind the wheel of your new car after drinking to the point that you don't feel feelings and forget how poor you are now (relax - i didn't.  i just think it's a good rule of thumb and shitler ended up chauffeuring my depressed self around).
those are really the only tips i have.  and they're not very good ones.  except for the xanax tip. but really.  buying a car is a hellish fucking experience. you're there for like seven hours just waiting for them to reveal how much more in debt you're going to be. not to mention that the eternity they make you sit there waiting just makes you want to bolt at least six times throughout the process.
but with that being said it's nice to have a car that doesn't have a radiator leak (because it's real lame having to cart around a gallon of water and sometimes having to pull over on the side of the road to pour some in so that your car doesn't over heat).  and it is nice that all the windows roll down.  and it's also super nice that there aren't eight thousand holes in the exhaust system so people don't have to hear you coming from like three miles away.
not to mention i can't help but feel extra spoiled since this new car has air conditioning.
so without further adieu the new whip is a sassy ford escape i've name betty.  betty ford. it's both presidential and also the name of a rehab facility.  which i may have to utilize after these car payments drive me to the brink of insanity.  don't worry - i'll check in on account of the "exhaustion" i'm sure to contract due to the fact that i'll have to be constantly working in order to afford her.

we're going to have to do that thing where we become adults and start making better money decisions.

shitler said we're going to cancel the cable and if i want to watch something then i can go watch my car.

we also probably will only have enough money for just one of us to eat.  i figured that one person can be shitler because if i'm not eating it would be beneficial for a wedding weight loss diet.  shitler also pointed out that if i became rail thin it would mean less weight in the car and therefore better gas mileage therefore more money savings.

like i said - being an adult blows. but that was my whole weekend.  just non-stop betty ford action. hell to the naw.

a zillion things - but not

sometimes there's like a zallion things that you would rather be doing than whatever you're doing right at this moment.  currently i would like to be doing any of the following:
sleeping cramming pizza in my face reading buzzfeed like it's my job not working winning the lottery playing with a whole litter of puppies getting skinny (like just magically so) laying on the couch exacting revenge being out on the water: boats and hoes style randomly picking windows and showing up with a boom box blaring a la "say anything" fucking shit up not have to do serious adult things spending money watching the season finale of princesses: long island mercilessly fucking with shitler till he complains that i'm being really mean judging people
or maybe just beer bonging into the sunset.

p.s. i know that's not a zallion things but coming up with a zallion things is not something i would want to sit here and do.
p.p.s. come do some of those things with me?

make it rain

do you ever, like out of the blue, have some sort of epiphany (and yes i'm aware that's basically the definition of an epiphany but cut me some slack i had to work like a whole full week of work this week)?
well it happened this morning.  because it's payday friday and i did a fucking jig in my cube because i finally had money again and i didn't have to play bank account roulette anymore where you like go buy stuff and just hope to god that your check card isn't declined.  which then made me feel bad about myself because i was going to be semi-rich for like a hot minute before all my money went to all those stupid bills and then i would be back to playing bank account roulette again (which, FYI, is exhilarating but just ends up stressing me out).
so i said to myself "shan - maybe you should add up all the bills to just see where the fuck it's all going."  so i did. each student loan payment, the obnoxious cable bill, the frivolous cell phone bill, the credit cards, etc.  and then i added up our paychecks.  and then i did some basic subtracting (and i did it twice because math is not my forte) and i couldn't help but sit there and be like "what.the.actual.shit."  and by that i mean there's money left over.  a substantial amount of money.  so why are we always broke?  and why are we always living pay check to pay check?  and why is that sometimes i have to float that rent check and then just hope the landlord doesn't cash it and then when he calls because it's late i just want to be like "DUDE WE'RE GOOD FOR IT RELAX. but please don't evict us."
because it's the story of our lives.  but then i got all wax poetic up in this joint and was like "NO - the buck stops here.  because i'm sick of being so, so terribly broke and can we just be only semi-broke?"  and for drama's sake can we imagine i'm like moses receiving the ten commandments from god on the top of mount sinai (only not really)?  

because we have actual real-life adult shit that we're going to have start paying for in the near future.
like some stupid wedding.  and also a car that wasn't manufactured in the early 90s.  and maybe someday really put our big girl panties (shitler too) and like buy a house or something.  and that shit is intimidating and probably is going to happen sooner than later so maybe it's time to make smarter financial decisions now.
so here.  here are some things i'm going to do/stop doing in order to try and not be broke.
1. not buy everything i want. like hundreds of dollars worth of books.  or jewelry that i don't need because i'm already hoarding enough jewelry to stock a fucking claire's.  
2. drink at home (more). the possibilities are endless for home-drinking.  i feel like i could get real fancy for less money and just get trashed-face at home.  PLUS home-drinking eliminates those DUIs, DWIs, OWIs and i hear those can get costly.
3. shop the bargains. aldi's will become my new best friend and if isn't on sale then it doesn't get purchased.

4. start a savings account. stick with me because this was hard to type without laughing because i feel like i've never had an actually successful savings account.  but it can't hurt to try?
5. get people to give me money (and have to do nothing in return). i haven't thought this one all the way through yet.  give me some time.
but that's enough serious bullshit for one day (but also if you do want to just give me money and in exchange i'll do absolutely nothing just drop me an email).
oh ya - duh. #backthatazzup Friday!

my brain is mush. on account of all the tv watching.

remember back when we were kids and all you sometimes wanted to do was plop yourself down in front of the television and watch hours upon hours of everything on nickelodeon?  for the longest time my parents refused to get cable so whenever i was around someone who had it or my parents decided to get it you couldn't pry me away from the gazillion shows i thought i would just die without watching.  and you know which ones i'm talking about: guts, rugrats, clarissa explains it all, all that, double dare, legends of the hidden temple, doug, and (my personal favorite) salute your shorts.  both of my parents would yell at me for watching all my shows with my nose practically glued to the screen and both tried to convince me that it was going to rot my brain and "SHANNON would it kill you go outside and play (and i totally did and usually me and the neighbors would play power rangers)?"

which leads me to my point.
and that point is: THINGS HAVEN'T CHANGED (except for the power rangers thing.  maybe.).

it's a beautiful day out?  no thanks my DVR is full and it's making me anxious. do you want to go out to dinner?  uhhh thanks but no thanks but something didn't record and i want to get home and try to find the next time it will air. maybe you should read a book?  YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

but honestly.  the amount of trash television i watch is disgusting and borderline makes me feel bad about myself. because "hello my name is shannon and i'm sad that i missed the final episode of bravo's princesses: long island and i'm getting upset that it's not on demand and there haven't been any other showings."

shows that are rotting my brain that i just can't quit
pretty little stupid liars it's the show that i want no one to know that i'm watching but i need to know other people that are watching because i need someone to commune with in anger in confusion.  because it never fails that i watch pretty little liars and end up having like a thousand questions and no goddamn answers.  not to mention they have a shit load of time on their hands.  but then again i never see them watching tv so maybe that's why.

all things on bravo sometimes i try and remember a time when bravo didn't exist and dominate my entire life and i just draw a blank.  because just as one housewives franchise is coming to a season end andy cohen pops out of nowhere with another one to save the damn day.

because i can't help but want to watch all the train wrecks and also stare at all the really, really ridiculous good looking people and also just in general not have a life.  and it's impossible to write about every, single thing i watch on bravo because "hello what don't i watch?" would probably be the better question and i would have to answer with "nothing." 

true blood

last night i thought it would be a good idea to park myself in front of the tv and watch six straight hours of true blood.  like when shitler got home from work i was laying on the couch.  and then when he left and came back from being at the bar i was in the exact same spot watching the exact same show and though he didn't say it i knew he was wondering "have you even fucking moved?"  and the answer would have been no.  mainly because i was enthralled with the weird sex sookie was having in the cemetary and also the vampire jail and also all the terrible blood effects.  damn you true blood, DAMN YOU.

p.s. don't even get me started on me watching mistresses and devious maids and the client list because that stuff is slowly eating away at my brain as well.

shows that aren't all the way rotting my brain

the walking dead

because duh.  it kind of makes you think?  please read that with inflection because that's how i intended it.  i mean what's actually going to happen?  everyone actually has the virus?  how will that pan out?  is this foreshadowing for our own future (i threw that last thing in because it sounded smart).

american horror story

IT HAS ALL THE BEST ACTORS.  which, in my world, translates to being awesome.  there's just no way in hell that all these fantastic thespians would sign onto a total shit project of a television show.  not to mention that each and every season is a new story line and basically i have the attention span of gnat so good job AHS in reeling me in hook, line, and sinker.

game of thrones

hi, hello, it's based off of a book series so it's automatically awesome (which i'm also aware pretty little liars is but like GoT is not young adult nonsense).  and to be fair you have to really commit to the books considering they're easily about seven hundred pages long each and come on dragons, and struggles for power, and early politics where people had to plan take overs with fucking messenger ravens for crying out loud.  and also there's nudity.
which is always a solid way to get me completely sucked into any show.

the one show that will never rot my brain

24.

"i'm federal agent jack bauer, and today is the longest day of my life."

JACK IS BACK YA'LL.  may of 2014 marks what easily be the best month of my life.  and obviously not because of that pesky wedding or whatever but because 24 is officially back (albeit on a smaller scale) but it's back nonetheless and i just can't wait to watch jack snap necks and cash checks (ok not that last part but you get it).
basically in preparation shitler and i are going to have to watch each and every single previous season again.
because it's THAT good and if you're not going to watch or haven't ever watched it then i simply can't be friends with you.

via

if you need me tonight you can find me on my
couch continuing to rot my brain.

tons of dick stuff

i punished myself this weekend.  like over and over and over again. it was just all the excitement of having not seen nikki in like over three years and then also loving all the dick stuff that caused things to get so out of control.  considering i was so far away from all the chicks my hands were tied in terms of doing lots of local planning.  but what i COULD do was clean house when it came to offensive dick paraphernalia and have it all shipped to nikki's soon-to-be sister and also construct her a tutu and hand-sew a bunch of dicks to it.  because you know - that's totally normal.
i took the bus to minneapolis at 2am on friday morning.  i'm actually shocked i made it on time and also shocked they let me on the bus because i noticed as i sat there waiting to board that the date on my ticket said august 1st and when i checked my phone told me it was august 2nd.  so naturally i just risked it and thankfully they let me on because i certainly didn't want to have to go all the way back home and buy another ticket just so that i could make it to the bachelorette party.  so after a stressful trek to the bus stop i managed to mix myself a cocktail in the bathroom of the moving bus which, might i say, is more difficult than one would think and then tweet the night away until nikki picked me up at the bus station at 8am.
i finally got to meet her puppy dog - trixie - who is obviously just too cute for words.

the majority of the day we spent day-drinking and cleaning her house in a half-assed manner and then passing out early because DUH the next day was going to be terrible.

and terrible it was.

and there you have it.

i don't have the wherewithal to write anything else at this point in time. i'm just living in a haze where my thoughts are just jumbled together and i can barely form coherent sentences.
side note - that dick tutu took me like six hours to make.  totally worth.
and naturally - shitler did this to mac when i brought home the balls.

and naturally it's time to link up with sami.

i dedicate this post to dick stuff

if you're reading this it means that i've traveled through the night by bus to the state of minneapolis to be with my most favorite person in all the land.  the girl who lazy'd her way through college with me, who binge drank with me, and made questionable questions since the very day that we met (which, if you were wondering, was the first night of college and she happened to get ghost face wasted and puke all over her brand new roommate's bed and then i cleaned it up and then obviously the rest was history). but i digress. bitch is getting married. and this weekend is her bachelorette and i can't wait to shower her in all the dick paraphernalia i bought for her and also force her to wear the dick tutu i crafted in order to make her hate herself.

but whatever.  it's friday.  and i'm not working so i'm probably drinking.

let's get to the good shit.  the high fives of the week.

1// murphy lee just killlllllllllllling it with that look.

2// i'll fully admit to the nerdiness of tweeting a weather picture, and then having a local weather person tweet me asking if he could use the picture, and then the picture totally ends up on the local news.  ignore me.  i'm a freak.

3// someone let me and shitler have a baby for three hours.  EVERYONE MADE IT OUT ALIVE.

4// in discussing spirit animals and which ones we were whit managed to nail it with this mash-up.

5// on monday i discovered tiny empty and full bottles of booze in my purse.  purse booze - FOR THE WIN.

and in honor of whit and the fact that she's still drunk from her birthday yesterday we will bend over to the front, touch our toes, and get low.  for #backthatazzupfriday i want to mellow it out a bit with a little r&b and a little mario.
mainly in honor of my best friend in the whole entire world (that devil in the blue dress from up top - nikkipants).

this just in.

i don't have anything of substance to post/write/complain about today. i feel like i'm in the video game mortal kombat where i'm battling to the death with my allergies and now i've reached that point where my character is swaying weakly back and forth because my opponent has just got done pummeling me and then the phrase "FINISH HIM" sounds off and then my allergies slay me and then the victor turns toward the player and bows.
so in shitler's attempt to teach me how to screenshot on snapchat he sent me this last night.

i'm out of here.

i'm so sick i feel drunk.  and not the good kind of drunk.