why don't i photograph weddings for a living?

i should have done this thing where i got an early start on the gazillion pictures i have from the wedding we went to this weekend.  but like "hi my name is shannon and procrastination is my thing and also laziness."  and mainly when i started going through all the pictures i realized the immense undertaking it was and also i couldn't stop laughing which led to coughing which led to me wanting to lay on the couch and rest.  and by rest i mean watch hours of revenge and compulsively check my fantasy football leagues.
but i digress.  because the task at hand is far more important than my yammering on about how useless i am. so shitler's gorge-ina cousin got married this weekend. ms. cassandra jo was like BEYOND pretty and i thought about punching her in her stupid pretty face on more than one occasion but like blue and purple totally weren't her wedding colors so i refrained.
so basically what's going to happen is that i'm going to cram all these photos down your throat while intermittently talking about them.   and this is just installment one.  with the camera that takes all the nice photos but these people manage to make everything look un-nice in the best possible way.

^^ WHY ARE YOU SO PRETTY CASSANDRA!? ^^

naturally there's always just a lot of general debauchery that goes on whenever there's a shitler-side-of-the-wedding that happens.

things escalated when shitler decided it was time for that pesky long-sleeved shirt to come off. 

and then shitler decided it was time to channel a serial killer.

and then obviously the groom/bride and her brother danced their faces off.

but shitler was not to be about to be out-done.

i'm thinking of starting my own business.

one in which you hire me to capture all the nonsense at your wedding and then like you can also hire shitler to behave like a raving lunatic/dance machine at your reception.

because who really wants the "beautiful" moments when you can have the most ridiculous ones?

we'd be unstoppable.

call us.

p.s. linking up sami.  and whatever there aren't a lot of words.

p.p.s.  blow me.

regression: party of one

once upon a time we were a one dog household. and shannon and shitler saw that it was good.  so did murphy lee.

until one day when someone decided to show shannon an ad for delicious puppies in the local newspaper.

and for her puppy mother's day gift shitler agreed that they should get a second dog.

and so mac was born.

and it was then that shannon and shitler didn't realize what they had till it was gone.

i mean - don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?

as in a delightfully well-behaved dog.  i.e. murphy lee.

because it was mac who came barreling in like the destroyer of all the things.

and as the years went by his antics got less and less cute because he no longer looked like this:

but lately he's been out of control.

and by out of control i mean more tampon eating till he shits out whole tampons, ingesting pieces of toys till he pukes them up, and on more than one occasion in the last two weeks having explosive diarrhea in our bed.
it's fucking madness.

and murphy lee is all:

but it's impossible not to love that naughty son of a bitch.

because raging boners and all that guy is my ride or die bitch.

basically this is the antithesis of sarah's fan friday.  because ya - i'm a fan of my dogs.

but like no - i'm not a fan of of the vomit inducing messes he's been leaving around the hizzle.

whatever.

i like this song.  what up whitty.

what i like about me

this post just contains some things that happened to be swimming in my brain.
last night shitler was all "you're so mean to me.  stop being so mean to me."  and i was all "blow me douchebag." and then he was like "see!  that right there."  and then i'm all "god!  stop being such a pussy."
and this whole "i have to be nicer thing" coming from the guy that i had this conversation with the other day:

so anyway - i wouldn't call myself moody.
i think i'm just extremely in touch with my feelings (and not in a lame way). mainly i just know when it will be beneficial for people to be around me and also when it won't be in someone's best interest to speak to me.  
which brings me to three lessons everyone should know about me:

1. i'm going to love you on my terms.
2. i'm going to talk to you on my terms
3. i'm going to hang out with you on my terms.

and for the most part shitler is the one that understands all of that about me the best.  as in - he doesn't make plans with people without checking to see how lazy i am on that particular day and/or what type of insane mood i'm in where i perhaps don't even want people laying eyes on me.  

so it works.  except on the days he tries to make outrageous demands wherein i have to be nicer to him.

because it's not going to happen.

 

shannon & the shit circa 2008. quote a la nietzsche.

a compilation of sorts

i think besides the couch the internet is the place where i want to spend mostly all my time. thankfully i can almost always do the whole two birds, one stone thing. so i thought that today i would bring you a few things i'm obsessing over. and also a look into how i categorize things in my brain.

people's children i want to kidnap:

• little e and samson - basically just a blog i visit on the daily when i want to feel better about myself.
  or worse.
• ALL of casey's because hello DUH.

p.s. i'm not actually going to kidnap your children.  i mean at least probably not.

people i would like to skin and wear:

• stupid nicholl and her stupid prettiness like all the damn time.
• jenni.  obviously.  also i want her dogs.

if i had to be knocked up i would want it to look just like this:

• kate.  HI-YOUR-BUMP-IS-ADORBS.

people's cats i would commit a felony trying to acquire:

• GIMME YOUR CATZ LAUREN.
• and tiff - you just know me and Ms. JMeoww would shut shit down.

people i would punch other people in the throat for:

• samm.  for all the obvious reasons - the most glaringly obvious being we're soul mates.
• shitler.  that d-bag doesn't have a blog (obviously).  but i would punch so many people in the throat for him if they tried to fuck with him.  mainly because fucking with him is my job and nobody better try to take that from me.

people i so desperately need to binge drink with:

• whit.  because i need to be challenged.
• mac.  or should i say rose...

people who are so smart that i hate them, kind of:

• TY.  STOP IT.  kidding.  don't ever stop.  plus - i just want you to talk lawyer to me.
• lisa.  that hoe writes and she writes well.

squirrels i need in my life like yesterday:

mostly all about nothing

hey girls hey. what's the haps?  have i missed anything fantastical?  probably.  whatever. i come to you on this monday morning feeling triumphant.   kind of like this.

why?

because i've broken through the haze of the viral chest infection that crippled me for two weeks.

officially i'm not 100% better but i finally feel like i don't want to kill myself every morning.

so i win.

naturally i'm going to make the rounds of all the weekend recaps and i'm fully bracing myself to be insanely jealous of all the people that did all of the things.  because i did nothing.

i had the pleasure of not actually seeing shitler for almost like a week.  and it was heaven.  mainly because in my continued haze of sickness i could lay on the couch and watch my shit television and wallow in how gross i felt without him there to shame me.

so are you ready for the inane boring-ness that you're about to read that i'm going to attempt to make interesting?
you were born ready?  i thought so.

friday night i made it back to the restaurant to work a shift and not be a mucusy-sick-piece-of-shit-that-coughed-all-over-everyone's-food (i don't know why i included all those hyphens but i like the way it looks).  i need you all to understand that i work with quite the diverse group of fucking weirdos at the restaurant.  and i use the term "diverse" to make it sound nice because no i don't like all of them.  but i also don't hate all of them.  so there's that.  so here's a tiny snack of a story for you.

everyone that has served has gotten a shit tip.  it happens.  and then you go in the back and you curse that person, and their mother, and their grandmother, and then possibly hex them with black magic.  but then you move on.  because while it does happen it just doesn't happen that often that anyone should dwell on it.
unless you're of course my co-worker.  said co-worker ran their ass off for this table.  and when it came time to close out that ticket the co-worker realized that on a $68.68 tab the customer had left them a total of $70.  basic math shows us that said co-worker received a whopping $1.32 as a tip.  

blows big time, buddy.  

after said co-worker was done complaining in the back all the rest of us thought the debacle was over and done with.  much to our surprise - it wasn't.  turns out crazy-bad-tipping-lady forgot her phone and said co-worker insisted on holding onto the phone until crazy-bad-tipping-lady came back in to retrieve her phone.  upon arriving to pick up  her phone said co-worker decided to verify with crazy-bad-tipping-lady that the tip was correct by asking whether or not her experience at the restaurant had been satisfactory, whether everything was to her liking, and whether there was anything wrong with the service that had been provided to her.

this was me as i was informed of the situation:

because c'mon guy.  crazy-bad-tipping-lady left you a shit tip.  get over it.
in no way, shape, or form do i ever think that fishing for a reason you received a bad tip from a customer is ever a good idea.  fact of the matter is that the lady probably has a black heart that beats for nothing but evil and probably leads a miserable life that she wishes other people (like her server) would lead with her.

life lesson: if you've never served and a server inquires as to the quality of their service - it means they think you left them a terrible tip and they're hoping to shame you into leaving them more.
fun fact: although i'm one way messed up in the head person - never have i ever done that nor would i ever consider doing it.

anyway - that wasn't even the highlight of my night.
that came in the form of mean girls 2 - which i discovered, watched in its entirety, and then hated myself for afterwards because that shit was terrible.  then i did laundry and made the mistake of watching what to expect when you're expecting which led to ugly crying by myself at 2AM.  and there wasn't even booze involved.

i roasted chickens.

i told my mom i would make her chicken salad.

really i made her chicken salad so i had a legit reason to roast chickens so i could eat the crispy chicken skin.  

exciting stuff here, people.

i decided to actually use the wifi printer shitler got me for my birthday back in may.

and by "decided to actually use" i mean i laid on the couch and hit the print button over and over again.

that guy knows me inside and out.  anything i can do from the couch without having to move much is basically a favorite past time of mine.

and then i laid some more on the couch and watched boats go by.  and then i thought about how it was a beautiful day out and that i should stop being a lazy piece of shit and go outside and do something.  but then mainly i just got distracted by revenge and watched murphy lee watch all the outdoor things.

so ya.  that was the weekend.  clearly things were OUT OF CONTROL.
which is exactly why i'm going to link with sami and tell the f'ing world about it.

the first of many nightmares i can only now assume will happen

once upon a time, on the morning of a departure to mexico for a destination wedding, shitler and shannon got engaged.  one of them was naked and hungover but that's neither here nor there. everything was fantasically easy and breezy and beautiful (thank you maybelline).
SEE.

naturally, having seen how seamless this destination wedding crap was, shannon and shitler decided to go the same route.  after much research and pouring over resort after resort shannon decided on the palace resorts.
they had her at in-room hot tubs and booze dispensers.
seems like an obvious choice. #AmIRight

shockingly - shannon and shitler did things in a timely manner.  they informed people of their plan (a courtesy so others could save the monies).  they picked a local travel agent.  they signed the contract for the wedding date.

MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU (and also with you).

they booked their two week stay.  they then let ALL the people know.  and having done so they sat back, kicked off their shoes, and laughed at all the other fools and their non-destination wedding nightmares.  one by one people booked and all was right in the world.  or so they thought.

until yesterday.  when shannon's parents contacted the travel agent to make the necessary arrangements to book their stay.  and like a nuclear bomb had been dropped it was discovered that the resort had issued black out dates for may 1st and may 2nd (as in NO ROOM AT THE INN) with limited room availability on may 3rd and a few more the day of the nuptials.  as shannon sat back and did a mental check list of all those that had to book it dawned on her that those people included not only her parents but also her brothers, their photographer friend (you know - THE ONE TAKING THE PICTURES), shitler's brothers, and the best man (among others).  COOL.

so shannon did the only thing she could think of.  she called the resort and threw a fit.  and when throwing a fit didn't make rooms magically available she tried something else.  she cried.  and not well - since there are still no rooms available.  after spending an hour on the phone battling not only the room shortage but also a language barrier shannon was able to scrounge up one extra room for her parents on the nights they had originally wanted.

but that was it.  FINITO.

so what are the options you ask?

the options are as follows:

1. people book ASAP and are lucky enough to arrive the day before the wedding.

2. people book kind of ASAP and are lucky enough to arrive the day OF the wedding.

3. people book their stay at a sister resort that's just a mere 45 minutes away and have the luxury of paying for a cab each day that they want to come to the resort where everyone else is staying.

leave it to shannon to pick the smallest resort.  the nicest resort.  the most popular resort.

OF COURSE SHE WOULD.

this is what she gets for doing something that for every other person on the face of the planet should be easy.

so for now - shannon is going to ignore the problem until hopefully it fixes itself.

if i were to imagine hell i think it would be a lot like my weekend

i'm finally starting to crawl out of the hole that is this sickness that has been plaguing me for over a week. typically it's just allergies and i can load up on various allergy-related medication and feel fine in like mere hours.  but apparently this nasty thing had other ideas.  it started as just a minor cough.  a tickle, if you will.  and then it launched itself into a full body attack where i couldn't breathe without coughing, couldn't stand without coughing, couldn't do anything without coughing.  and by coughing i mean all-out gasping for breath coughing that often lead to dry heaving which usually led to heavy vomiting.  and you know how there's always one giant indicator that you're actually sick?  like you just know yourself that well that you know if you're doing that one thing or not doing that one thing that it means you're actually ill?  in my case - not eating indicates i'm actually ill.  and i barely ate for the last week.  my brain would tell me that i was hungry but then get me around food and it's like my body was all "hell naw." so after five straight days of eeking out a meager existence on water, over the counter cough remedies, and mouse-sized nibbles of food i decided to wave the white flag and go to the doctor.  i'm not a giant fan of the doctor because i have this insurance that makes you pay for everything out of pocket until you hit your two-thousand dollar deductible and i considering my nasty history with all things pneumonia i was terrified of the doctor and their expensive x-rays.  and although i was not excited at the prospect of paying through the nose for x-rays i couldn't help but be semi-relieved at a diagnosis that would mean antibiotics and that would eventually lead to not feeling like death warmed over.  but alas - the doc informed me that is was nothing more than a viral chest infection and that two inhalers, a shit load of mucinex, and enough water to effectively drown myself would be the key to feeling better. so now that i've set the stage i'm sure you're dying to know what the weekend was like, right?

i struggled.  i was scheduled to work at the restaurant, which, couldn't have been better.  i mean - i know everyone is just dying to be waited on by a girl who sounds like she's coughing herself into an early grave.  at some point in the evening my manager took pity on me and cut me loose.  it should have been cause for celebration except i had a text from shitler telling me to pick up ground turkey and rice because some douche dog had the hershey squirts.  IN OUR BED.  so i spent my friday night cooking mac-dizzle ground turkey and rice and monitoring his whereabouts to make sure he didn't journey back upstairs to do a #2 on our bed again. p.s. there's nothing better than cleaning up stinky, doggy diarrhea in between coughing fits.

 
after practically OD'ing on mucinex the day before my body decided to expend any and all fluids via my nose and mouth during a restaurant meeting that made me contemplate death more than i normally do on a daily basis.  then i tried to fake it through a family BBQ wherein everyone knew i was sick because i abstained from all things alcoholic.  i managed to make it through three hours but nothing was working.  simply existing made me miserable and i had to bail on the party.  upon arriving home i had the most violent of coughing attacks that led me to upchucking the food i had managed to choke down and then i felt like this:

it was at this point, the lowest point i like to think, that i said "fuck it" and drank an unhealthy amount of all night-time cough/cold related things, popped some muscle relaxers, and watched three weeks worth of so you think you can dance (including the finale) episodes, and yelled things/threw my dirty tissues at the television because i hated who won until i eventually passed out for the next twelve hours.

also - i found this somewhere and couldn't stop laughing.
jury is still out on whether it's like actual-type funny or just "shannon was on too many drugs" funny.

sunday i tried to force myself into not hating my life by dumping a bunch of stuff into a crockpot that i thought i would be interested in eating later.   spoiler alert: it didn't work.
but this guy just watched me from the couch the whole time.  mac-dizzle AKA runny poops a lot.

and yes that's all my dirty laundry.  and yes that's a gallon of water.  and yes that's a rabbit statue. WHAT OF IT.
anyway - it's tuesday.  and it's starting to feel as though there is a legit light at the end of this tunnel.  i haven't had anything alcohol-related in over a week which i think is a true testament to how actually under the weather i am (a metaphor i never truly understood).  in the meantime i'm just over here taking personality tests that reveal i'm most like draco malfoy from harry potter.  #sadtrombone and please still like me even though my personality reveals i'm most like a story book villain.  
i cannot get back to this soon enough: