and then it dawned on me how big of a whack job i actually am

if there's one thing i'm super good at besides not following through on anything that i say i'll do it's being a irrationally afraid of the most ridiculous things.  shitler hates it and then shitler ends up usually messing with me and borderline sends me into panic attacks about said fears.
and i must admit after actually typing these out it made me feel like a bigger tool than usual.
so here it is: the top six things i'm terrified of.
unflattering pictures of myself that people tag me in on facebook. don't even try to act like your heart doesn't skip a beat when you see a facebook notification that someone has tagged you in photo.  i mean let's be real - you probably look fat.  you're probably mid-stuffing-your-face.  you probably didn't shower that day (or for the few days before that) and you look like trash.  you get the idea.  for a split second when i get that notification a part of me dies and i'm truly petrified at what hides beyond that click of a button.

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aisles at the grocery store with people in them already: it doesn't make sense.  i know that.  but there's something about turning down the next grocery store aisle and if there's people already in it i start to mildly panic and have to skip to the next empty aisle.  i just don't feel like there is feasibly enough room in that aisle for everyone.  your cart is going to touch my cart.  you're going to be in my way when i want to quickly grab something and get the fuck outta dodge of that aisle.  i'm going to have a meltdown in public and then i'll never be allowed back in my favorite grocery store.  you know - the one where i know where exactly everything is and that thought terrifies me.

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doing doughnuts in parking lots/people driving erratically: this is aimed solely at shitler because that mofo knows for a fact that these things scare me so much i could quite literally shit my pants.  doing doughnuts in a slippery parking lot in the middle of a wisconsin winter or driving so that your vehicle fish-tails down the snowy road doesn't hold much appeal to me.  it seems more like a recipe for a goddamn rollover accident and then our car insurance will go up - SCARY.

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snakes: if i could murder every serpent on the face of the planet - i would do it in a heartbeat.  but it won't happen because i literally cannot be in the same room as one or even look at a picture of one without it sending me into a hyperventilating fit.  in my defense - this fear actually has a base in reality (unlike the other ones that are just embellished to the n-th degree in my head).
when i was fifteen i was minding my own business, laying on a raft in lake during a family camping trip when i felt something bite my arm.  much to my dismay, when i lifted my arm from the water, there was a snake hanging from my arm and it refused to let go.  no amounts of "DROP IT.  DROP ME!" would suffice and it turned into me having to beat it off my arm until it relinquished it's hold and i high-tailed it out of the water.  the snake, refusing to be deterred, continued its hunt as it slithered up the beach through the trail of blood i left behind while my little brother and i sprinted back to our campsite.  my parents ended up reporting it to the campground and the people just lectured me about how i shouldn't go around "corning snakes."
WHATEVER.  those things are the devil's work. and nice try.  no snake image.  shitler has a nasty habit of sending me pictures of them and then it gives me the sweats for at least an hour.
trucks with supplies mounted in the bed: show of hands if you've seen any final destination movies?  that delightful flat bed truck with all the murderous rods that isn't properly secured and ends up coming loose and slicing into the driver behind said flat bed truck?  words cannot describe how insanely spine-chilling these things are in my brain.  like "oh those 2x4s look unassuming.  until they come barreling out of the truck and cause a multi-car pile up and give you so many slivers that eventually get infected and you a die a miserable death."  or "oh, that ladder rack you have mounted to your truck?  you may as well mount a damn machine gun to it and drive that bitch down the highway."  know that i simply cannot handle being behind any of these things while driving and basically if i can help it.  and respectfully know that i think you'll probably get murdered by them if you choose to drive behind them.  my thoughts are with you.

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rollercoasters: no.  just no.  for something that is supposed to be ZOMG SO MUCH FUN it looks like a mother f'ing death trap.  i just know my clothes are going to get stuck in something, or my hair is going to wrap around some bolt and scalp me to death, or the sheer knowledge that at the angle i'm descending back to the earth would kill me upon impact will cause my heart to beat so uncontrollably that it will explode and i will die.  and i swear if someone comes at me with how statistically low roller coaster related deaths are i will respond with "THERE SHOULD BE NO DEATHS IF IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SO AWESOME."
leave me alone on the tilt-a-whirl.

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please still like me after reading this.