an ode to a best friend

YOU GUYS. today isn't just halloween.  today is the day that the most magical person in all the land was born. nikkipants.
i remember the day we met like it was yesterday (when in reality it was ten years ago - an actual decade ago).  it was the first day of college and like any respectable college student you got so drunk that you puked all over your roommate's brand new college stuff.  like the roommate that you just me that day (that roommate wasn't me).
but like a good neighbor - shannon was there.  to clean up your puke mess and to assure you that you didn't make that terrible mistake that you feared you would make.  that you would be the silly college freshman that got too drunk on their first night of college like an amateur (but you did).  and it was at that moment that the magic happened.  that we just clicked and like step brothers (even though it was before its time) it was like "did we just become best friends?"  because we did.  and although we weren't roommates that freshman year - it was from then on out that we basically were.  because if we weren't playing donkey kong, eating beef jerky, and skipping professor green's class in my room we were doing that exact same thing in your room.
remember that time you came to alpine valley for a dave matthews concert and you accidentally backed up into the hot grill and got third degree burns and still have the scars on the back of your legs to prove it?  i do.
remember hippie amanda?  i do.  

remember the pepto bismol pants?  i do.  remember when i yelled at cait because she treated you like shit and i was sick of it?  i do.  remember when we went to las vegas and i got drunk and got into an argument but for the life of us when we try to remember what we fought about we can't remember?  i do - kind of.  

remember how people used to call you, me, and shitler the tri-pod?  i do.  remember how the first time you met shitler all the two of you did was raz each other about college football and then we all got drunk on jell-o shots and then you two committed a b&e (breaking and entering) and brought back random foodstuffs from our dorm neighbors?  i do.

remember how for halloween we never dressed slutty because it was cold out but that one time we looked real slutty for that party in november? i do (and it still makes no sense).

remember when we would drive the seven hours from minneapolis to chicago for the weekend when you had class and a test on sunday and i would have to frantically drive and you would have to study frantically ?  i do.

remember that time we got drunk and took the light rail downtown to the bars?
and then the light rail cop gave you a taser?  i do (and it still blows my mind).

mainly do you know how much i love you?  because it's a lot. happy birthday.

november? more like no-shitler.

remember when everyone lost their shit over the month of october? i do.  it was an explosion of pumpkin related shit and people so excited that i thought this was the first time they had ever encountered an october in their whole entire existence.  cute.
but really november shall be glorious. aside from everyone having meltdowns over no-shave november, which is slightly annoying, considering my entire relationship with shitler is his own version of no-shave november that just lasts for eternity so this bearded thing is nothing new to me and i've always loved it so shove off you band-wagon beard fans. i'm out of breath from typing that embarrassing sentence.  sorry.
this november marks a month where i will only have to see shitler for three whole weekend days. FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH.   xmas came early this year folks.

and no - no one is going hunting for shitlers. shitler is going to go out into the wilderness and participate in the war on deer.
first saturday of the month shitler is doing a side job.  which, also,  i've decided to force him to do more of.
secondly - do you know who says things like "i might have to have like four bachelor parties because i have so many friends?"  shitler does.  that's who.  and then it makes my brain feel like exploding.  but the first bachelor party kicks off this month in the wisconsin dells with all his boyfriends from college.
then there's widow's weekend.  which up until this year i have never had the pleasure of experiencing.  but for those that are unfamiliar it's always the weekend before thanksgiving that is the opening weekend of deer hunting and every man i know is out in the wilderness to murder things (deer - relax).  and i'm kind of pulling for shitler to not get a deer on opening weekend because his absence thanksgiving weekend is contingent upon his kill count (or lack thereof) on opening weekend.
everyone is always so serious about the hunting and the quiet and it all seems awfully boring. so in my mind i'm going to picture shitler doing a lot of frolicking. 

and posing.

and peeing.

but he's very serious about the war on deer.

just ask him and his imaginary gun.

but no one serial kill me now that you know i'll be living in solitary bliss.

get it right, get it tight: week one

MILDLY SUCCESSFUL. those are the words i shall use to describe my week of semi-starvation (kidding) and working out. i think had i had just one day where i worked out and then ate a salad instead of boneless buffalo wings i would have chalked that up as a success.  but out of the seven days this week - i worked out for five of them.  and i must say that my meals were actually healthy.  say whaaaaaaaaaaa?

i wish i had some sort of brain for working out and knowing what the best possible thing to do for target areas and weight loss are.  but i don't.  so for week one i mainly did elliptical cardio, some free weight shit, and ab work.  and like i told faith - i feel like that's all better than what i was doing.  which was nothing.
also - that avocado egg cup?  i could eat it all day, every day. so there you have it.  semi-successful, semi-accountable.
by all means please leave suggestions, websites, workouts, meals, etc. you name it, i need it.

i do declare

why hello slut-puppies.
it is i (me?) - shannon.  whichever.  you get it.  i'm here.
this post really isn't going to have much of substance other than me officially announcing and dedicating an entire post to the fact that the buck will stop here.  and that buck being my jiggly, fat ass. without being one of those fucking freakwad chicks who only talk about, ZOMG THEIR WEDDING once they get engaged, i just need to highlight to the world that there's like six months till i will forever (hopefully) be mrs. shitler and i'd rather not have to look at my wedding pictures for the rest of my life and lament about how chubby i was.  
p.s. i have my wedding dress that i ordered online and i haven't even tried it on because i'm afraid that i'm too giant to fit into it.  HELP ME MY BRAIN DOESN'T WORK.
so basically i have a plan.  kind of.  because i'm also really bad at plans and follow through. i really wish it were as easy as i was musing about yesterday when it came to working out.

if i just do the miley twerk dance to the wop song every day for an hour from now until my wedding i should be in great shape, ya?
— shannon (@itgotweird) October 23, 2013

but anyway.  things too look forward to include but are not limited to:

• me not revealing my starting weight.  god no.  big ups if people are crazy enough to do that but i won't even let shitler know my weight so there's not a fat fucking chance i'm going to tell you internet people.
• hangry rating (obviously).
• one post a week that's diet and exercise related.  relax - that's for me.  you totally don't have to read it if you don't want and i want even blame you because that shit is lame.  but i'll probably post it on a sunday so when you guys have better things to do be doing (like living life) you can readily avoid it.
• goal setting - GASP OMG I KNOW WTF ARE THOSE.  i figure i should have some.  like small ones.
• rewards for mehself.  because i'll also deserve gifts i bought myself if i achieve even the most minor of goals.  thank you regina george.
  

so that's really what this post is about.  me telling you that i'm going on a diet for this fucking bullshit upcoming wedding.  and also that i'm going to need some help to keep me accountable.  like stand by for frantic texts needing you to tell me to put down the carbs.  because if this doesn't work i'm going to have to resort to illegal diet pills and laxatives.  and i feel like that could messy.  ew.

also this will be my life from now on.

the tail of the fleas

patience tester: thy name is mac.
i was always aware that we had chosen a "special" dog.  so i have been extremely accepting of the shenanigans young mac typically gets himself into.  but in the last two weeks he has truly tried what little patience i have left.
the opening act: shitler and shannon come home from a weekend up north.  they sit on the couch, watch some bruce almighty, play on their smart phones, and around 11PM decide to turn in for the night.  shannon goes upstairs and starts arranging pillows and blankets.  it is at this time that she discovers a turd surprise that young mac has left for them.  as in - mac shit in the bed. round one goes to mac.
the first scene: friday morning rolls around and shitler calls shannon at work to inform her that he found a tick on mac.  he tells her he took care of it and that shannon has nothing to worry about. the second scene: shannon arrives home from working at the restaurant on friday night and asks shitler to show her where the tick was.  after viewing the scene of the crime shitler informs her that mac has little black bugs on him.  shannon's jaw drops and she screeches "FLEAS?  DOES HE HAVE FLEAS?!"  shitler insists they're not fleas.  he googled it.  it's definitely not fleas.  shannon takes to google herself and obsessively starts googling all things flea related.  she goes after mac and rolls him onto his back and begins comparing the googled pictures to his own canine body.  much to her dismay THEY'RE THE SAME.  THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.  THOSE ARE FLEAS CRAWLING ON HIM AND LOOK THERE'S THE FLEA POOP.  frantically she shows shitler her discovery and he fights her on it.  telling her that "no - they don't look anything like these pictures i found." shannon looks at his picture and mentally curses shitler and wonders where his goddamn microscope is because the picture he is indeed looking at is that of a flea under a microscope.  after much arguing shannon declares herself the winner and then all of them losers.
scene three: saturday morning calls for an entire cleaning of the house, flea treatments for both dogs, and frantic flea baths at midnight.  in the meantime shannon has spent an unhealthy amount of time researching fleas and discovering facts about their egg laying and their general grossness and is convinced that they're always constantly crawling all over her.
the closing scene: TO BE CONTINUED. because in case anyone is wondering it can take weeks to get rid of fleas.  WEEKS.
all the rounds go to mac.  he wins all of the things.

someone help me.

the next step might be bug bombing the house.

and i need to know if it's frowned upon to bug bomb the house with the flea infested dogs in it.

i'm kidding.  kind of.

obligatory fall picture

i felt like posting a picture.

so lay off me.

mostly about chicken wings

tonight i'm going to eat chicken wings. more importantly boneless chicken wings.  buffalo wild wings i'm coming for you.
which leads me to this confession.
itotallycheckoutallmenusandplanwhati'mgoingtoeatbeforeigettotherestaurant.
did you catch that?  i don't want to have to repeat it because it pains me to say it out loud and mainly because shitler just rips on me incessantly for it.
but really - how can i not.  i think it's important to go in with a game plan of all the things i'm going to eat in order to insure that i've made a well-thought out choice.  nothing is worse than sitting at the table while the server impatiently stares at you because they have 8,000 more important things to be doing than listening to you mull over whether or not you want deep fried pickles (that's a joke - i always want deep fried pickles) but you get my point.  it's even worse (trust me - i know) when you start to panic and have to say the dreaded words "OMG take my order last!"
but anyway.  i didn't come here to lament to you all the ordering woes of our modern day society but instead to let you know what i think i'm going to eat tonight.  YOU'RE SO LUCKY.
first up.  immediately order water for guzzling purposes.  it's important to start out hydrated when facing a night of wings and booze.  then i'll move on to the things of alcoholic nature.  i haven't yet hammered out what i'm going to come out of the gate yet with.  specialty drink or beer.  beer or specialty drink.  only time will tell.  but then i'm going to order deep fried pickles because HELLO if you don't like and/or order them then i'm convinced that you're probably a terrorist.  and then my friends, since it's boneless thursday, means i'm going to roll up my sleeves and go balls deep on said boneless wings.  the only thing i haven't hammered out yet is the types of sauces i want because apparently the last time i went to buffalo wild wings it must have been the stone age and also the birthplace of simple sauces because upon looking at the menu there were like a kajillion new sauces that i have never heard of but immediately cued a pavlovian response.  typically i go straight for the tried and true hot because it's hot enough for me to enjoy but still be reasonably uncomfortable.   BUT NOW THERE ARE MORE CHOICES.   choices like jammin' jalapeno, desert heat, caribbean jerk (i think they always had this one), and thai curry and unfortunately i want to order all of them and then rub them all over my body which the more i think about the more i realize is a terrible idea because it might burn patches of my skin off and then people will think i'm doing krokodil. which i'm not.
so basically i have a general idea of the things i'm going to cram down my gullet later tonight. and i wanted you to know.  and i also wouldn't mind if you suggested a preference for sauce because it would help my addled brain a lot.  but like don't tell me the garlic kind whatever because i'll hit you.
p.s. this picture has nothing to do with chicken wings but i love it oh so much.

jessie spano totally gets me

do you ever feel like there's just not enough time in the day?

i feel your pain jessie spano.  i really do.

first there's the pain the ass thing called a job that expects you to be present and "with it" for eight hours.

then there's all the eating that i need to get done.  like various dips, cheeses, bags of chips, and don't even get me started on the sandwiches.  at some point i need to factor in all the self-loathing from all of the food ingestion which will eventually lead to gym time.  then the amount of television i need to watch makes itself known in my already extremely full brain which includes but isn't limited to american horror story, new girl, america's next top model, the walking dead, modern family, the real housewives of new jersey reunions and also the lost footage, and then also eric & jessie: game on.  it doesn't help that i often get stuck just staring at pictures of dogs in boxes and then sometimes i just sit and stare at the blank page of the blogger screen and hate everyone.
which, by the way, hating things takes up a lot of time too.

so basically what this post is trying to tell you is that i have zero time management skills and also really shitty priorities.  because there are ideas for things semi-drowning/doggy paddling around in my brain but i choose not to entertain then and instead rot by brain instead.  whatever.

but really.

the dog.is.in.a.box.

save second base

If you haven't seen the pink cleats scattering the football fields of every NFL game or the umpteen amount of pink ribbons floating around Facebook lately then you might not know that it's Breast Cancer Awareness month. But have no fear because Erin from Two Thirds Hazel got a whole bunch of bloggers together to bring you a giveaway just to make sure you remember.  The point of the giveaway is to raise awareness about this deadly disease as well as to raise money for breast cancer research in order to hopefully one day end it. And what better way to do that than to throw a whole bunch of PINK prizes your way to entice you to feel yourself up to check for lumps. That's right, feel yourself up by giving yourself a breast exam! Aka the only mandatory thing you'll need to do in order to enter for your chance to win. Win what you ask? Well let's take a little peek and see the prizes shall we.

1) A $300 gift card to Victoria's Secret PINK. Or just Victoria's Secret if you so choose. But either way you'll be getting TONS of new bras to carry those lovely lady lumps of yours around in. And with this much money you might even be able to snag some new panties and a bikini or two!

2) Over $100 worth of makeup and accessories. Snag yourself a lip duo from Sephora, a few blushes, nail polish, lip balms, a makeup bag, a watch, a scarf, a rose quartz and pearl bracelet, a pink pouf from Stella and Dot and more!

3) Over $100 worth of ad space. Get your pretty face on the sidebars of some awesome blogs in order to grow your own blog and gain more exposure.

4) $60 worth of Essie nail polish. You'll get five different pink polishes as well as base and top coats. Add in a pretty pink nail file and your digits will be thanking you for months to come.

5) A set of pink Vino2Go wine glass cups. Because what better way will there be to celebrate winning this giveaway than to sit down and pour yourself a glass (or two, or five) of wine.

6) A $25 design credit. After you're done shopping for new bras, painting your nails, applying makeup, throwing on new accessories and drinking wine, go update your blog with this awesome credit.

Erin // Karly // Kallie // Melissa // Sami // Taylor // Whitney // Helene

Erin // Shanna // Chelsea // Shannon // Samantha // Jordyn // Sarah // Lauren

Lauren // Misti // Nadine // Nicole // Stephanie // Stevie // Michael // Allie

Juliette // Royal // Maddie // Sarah // Steph // Akirah // Mason // Amanda

And now that you've met all of the amazingly generous ladies behind this giveaway, I think it's about time we got to entering it. So start stripping and begin feeling because the best method of prevention is early detection. If you've never given yourself an exam and need some guidance be sure to read the following information brought to you by the National Breast Cancer Foundation on the best ways to get the job done. If you already know how to get yourself to second base then carry on and head straight down to the Rafflecopter below to enter!

1) IN THE SHOWER Using the pads of your fingers, move around your entire breast in a circular pattern moving from the outside to the center, checking the entire breast and armpit area. Check both breasts each month feeling for any lump, thickening, or hardened knot. Notice any changes and get lumps evaluated by your healthcare provider. 2) IN FRONT OF A MIRROR Visually inspect your breasts with your arms at your sides. Next, raise your arms high overhead. Look for any changes in the contour, any swelling, or dimpling of the skin, or changes in the nipples. Next, rest your palms on your hips and press firmly to flex your chest muscles. Left and right breasts will not exactly match—few women's breasts do, so look for any dimpling, puckering, or changes, particularly on one side. 3) LYING DOWN When lying down, the breast tissue spreads out evenly along the chest wall. Place a pillow under your right shoulder and your right arm behind your head. Using your left hand, move the pads of your fingers around your right breast gently in small circular motions covering the entire breast area and armpit. Use light, medium, and firm pressure. Squeeze the nipple; check for discharge and lumps. Repeat these steps for your left breast. -----------------------

Since the primary purpose of this giveaway is to spread awareness, the only thing that's mandatory in order to enter is for you to give yourself the breast exam. The second option available for entry (although definitely not mandatory) is to donate to the Susan G. Komen foundation. This option will get you the most entries because you'll be given an extra entry per every dollar you donate. A $20 donation equals 20 extra entries. Make sense? Good. So get to entering and find some pink fluffy feelings in your heart to help out a great cause!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

legally getting beat up black out drunk

just thinking about my twenty-first birthday makes me want to dry heave. i'm not sure how it works in other states but those here in wisconsin we celebrate at the moment the clock strikes midnight.  and naturally there's a shitload of pre-gaming prior to the turn of the clock as well.
so let's get to it.
the day was may 26th - seven years ago (sweet lord am i old) and friends from near and far came to celebrate (really it was just like three people and one was from my hometown and the other two were from college in minnesota so not really that far).
so the pre-gaming. here they are, off to a good start, with shannon spilling on herself.   obvious indication that it's probably going to be a good night.

and naturally it's a family affair because shitler's idea of a good twenty-first birthday gift was a six shooter spinny thing that you could put all sorts of different kinds of booze in and of course shannon's dad and uncle lance had to test drive it (god does shannon want to hurl just thinking about it).

now shots and posing for pictures was clearly the thing to do.

and it was at this point in shannon's drinking career that it was clear she hadn't like all the way learned the concept that "it's a marathon, not a sprint."

as the clock struck midnight and the day officially turned to may twenty-seventh shannon and her cronies departed to the super classy establishment called sharkey's.  it was here that it was discovered that shannon was easily the most excited person on the planet to get her ID checked.  like ever in the history of the world.

nothing outrageously out of the ordinary happened.

just good old fashioned getting wasted on your twenty-first mainly.  

and naturally since shannon went out at midnight like she was part of some sort of cast of the jersey shore she naturally had to cram all of her drinking into a short two-and-half-hours which led to things looking like this.

fun fact: all of shannon's skanky friends got to sleep off the hangover while a probably still drunk shannon had to pull herself out of bed after three hours of sleep to work a shift at the cemetary since memorial day weekend is a big time for cemeteries.

even funner fact: note that shitler is in none of the pictures.  it's because shitler was on his way back from illinois and told shannon not to get too drunk so that he could see her but she paid him no mind, got beat up black out drunk and was taken home before she was even able to see him.  good job, shannon.

i feel like i have a residual hang over just re-living that fucking shit show.

my poor liver.