this girl sure does twirl

so i've been blogging for awhile now.  nothing that i ever think is all that important. but i just come here and say things and then you kids read them and sometimes you kids even like them. and then it tends to feel like i'm just over here winning all of the things. and when you start a blog you don't know all the tiniest of nuances that exist. like the fucking blate.  or paid sponsorship posts.  or guest posts. or in my case trying to actually post anything.  so like i mentioned awhile back - i got the brilliant idea (while drunk) that maybe i should offer some paid sponsorship spots.  and then WHOA.  people bought them.  and then i died a little because it meant i would have to actually follow through on something that i didn't remember even putting together.  but here we are.  because it's the moment of truth.  
please don't be too hard on me kids.
because i figured that instead of doing the sponsorship where someone just guest posts here and tries to sell you on themselves - that i could do that.  you know - for those people. i feel like i don't even need to introduce this blogger. this bitch does it all.  she blogs consistently (which i repeatedly fail to do). plus she gives shit away and i think she likes social media just as much as i do. plus - from the first time i read her blog it was evident that she was just a plain nice person with a side of snark (which i enjoy immensely).
and frankly her very evident love of all things music just make constantly want to tell her this.

did you figure it out?  do you know who it is?

drum roll please.

because sometimes she tries to out-GIF me. like when she laid out her whole day in her movie quote post.  except instead of michael and hugo you just add shitler and two flea bags and poof there's my day.  and speaking of michael it was almost impossible for me not to write this entire thing about him (sorry helene) but like how can you not?  because there is nothing, and i mean nothing, better than a man dressed as miley cyrus and just twerking it.

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or she goes and posts something that i would have without a doubt made fun of all on my own.  but she went ahead and beat me to the punch by doing it herself.  because her cheesy engagement photos are ones i'm tempted to print and hang up in my house and then tell people those pictures are the people that came in the frame.  

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and lastly sometimes i can't help but hate-read along with her blog when she talks about all her stupid travels.

because HI I WANT TO DO ALL THOSE THINGS BUT I'M BROKE SO THANKS FOR RUBBING IT IN.  which is even worse because she hasn't even extended an invite for me to tag along or pay for my fucking plane ticket.
and i can't even pick a favorite picture from her travels because that bitch has been errrrrrywhere.

so to recap.

if i ran the world and things were up to me and i was making you read five posts from helene they would be these:

michael as miley

engagement photo sesh for the win

that movie quote post chock full of GIFs

she doesn't watch any bravo housewives

her stupid travels (BTW - just go ahead and search the word "travel" on her blog and then wish you would have just packed yourself along in one of their suitcases).

so go read her blog.  as if for some reason you already aren't.

ok so there it is.  my first ever sponsorship post.  

i hope i did something some justice.

and if you're interested in your own sponsorship spot you can go ahead and click here to find out more.

home, home on the gun range

show of hands for all the lady gun lovers in the house?  err. on the blog?  in the blog?  whichever.
PSA - i'm not here to start a debate about gun ownership vs. gun control either.
i just have to respectfully say that i like that there are guns in the house i live in.  that i like the fact that i have a fiance that rocks his conceal and carry license and that i certainly like the fact that i'm able to have the opportunity to operate all types of firearms.
i think some hesitancy towards guns comes from people's lack of knowledge and confidence in operating them to begin with.  i certainly don't ever want to be put in a situation where i would need to use a gun to protect myself but if push came to shove and i absolutely had to then so be it.  and frankly no one can ever deny the rush you get when shooting a gun at the gun range.  there is nothing, and i mean nothing, better.
and to reiterate - if you don't like guns that's ok.  just don't take away my right to own one. and also i'll totally still protect you if i needed to non-gun-loving-friends.

i mean - i like to think i handled shitler's gun like a champ.

MEE.YOW. p.s. the friday of opening weekend shitler called me because he was freaking pumped to go hunting and very excitedly screamed "I JUST WANT TO KILL SOMETHING."  to which i replied "i really hope you're not in a public place right now." p.p.s.  this.

the greatest conversation ever had

what does michael vick, shitler, and an arby's employee have in common? only the most incredible conversation ever.  that's what.
on tuesday shitler came home looking slightly weirded out. naturally i was only semi-concerned but mostly nosy about the weirdness.  he told me that he had just gotten done in the arby's drive-thru (p.s. i was appalled because shitler bowls on tuesdays and they have $1 tacos at the bowling alley so frankly i was offended that he would choose arby's over delicious budget tacos - BUT I DIGRESS).
shitler kind of sighed, put his hands in his pockets, and said "i just had the weirdest conversation ever." and then here's me like "OMG DO TELL."
it went like this. shitler pulled up to the arby's drive-thru, ordered his food, and pulled around to pay.  he was greeted with an employee that i can only think to say is starved for attention because the man immediately struck up a personal conversation with my shitler.  noting that shitler was wearing a camouflage sweatshirt he inquired as to whether shitler was a hunter and if so was he excited for the season?  shitler said he was excited.  then he was handed his food.  but the man wasn't done with the conversation.  not by a long shot.  it continued like so:
p.s. i'm going to name this arby's man kevin.  it just makes sense in my head. arby's man kevin: lemme ask you a question.  do you think what michael vick did was wrong?  and be honest.  shitler: uhhh ya.  he hung dogs. arby's man kevin: how is that any different than deer hunting? shitler: well, one is legal and the other is illegal. arby's man kevin: but the dogs lost.  when you lose you should die. shitler: uhhhhh *slowly easing his truck away from the window* arby's man kevin: i think we should legalize people being able to kill all animals. shitler: uhhhhh *SPEEDS OFF*
and then i was all "you know he's a serial killer, right?" and then also "WHY DO YOU GET TO HAVE ALL THE GOOD CONVERSATIONS WITH STRANGE EMPLOYEES?!"
also by arby's man kevin's logic michael vick and shitler are one and the same.

i totally see the resemblance, do you?
and naturally HI WHITNEY.

sponsor post: U by Kotex should be your go-to tampon brand. duh.

can we talk about tampons? for like a hot minute?
kidding.  for like an entire post. but really - how do we not talk about this more?  it's not like the red death that visits us ladies monthly doesn't give us plenty of fodder to write about.  and if you're like me you've had actual, terrible monthly experiences at the hands of your monthly visitor. like sneezes and coughs that led you to being sent home from jobs.  YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
maybe casually standing in the produce section of the grocery store just minding your own business admiring some red seedless grapes when you happen to feel something dripping onto your feet and it's then that it feels like the world is actually out to get you.
and guess what?  all these things happen to like a lot women. and maybe if you want you can come talk about it here.  BECAUSE THIS IS A SAFE SPACE. but really.  i have only ever used the kotex brand.  like always.  and i'm going to say this now and i'm not lying but it is my go.to.brand. since i was sixteen years old (when i got my lady friend).
so seriously.  this is a sponsor post.  and my first one - at that.  so i don't want to make it something that totally makes you think that this is sponsor post. because if there is something that i'm unnaturally passionate about - it's tampons.  because seriously - how can you not be passionate about things that are so vital to womanly existence once a month (unless you prefer pads and in that case we can no longer be friends).  
i was semi-kidding about the pad thing because if that's your thing then that's cool but you for sure should stick with kotex.  because they are, literally, the only company that i have ever used and they are the only company that i will use for the rest of my life.  

as for any real life examples - please know that they work.  because there is literally nothing that i would endorse here that didn't work.  and if there is something that i take seriously it's mother f'ing tampons.  when kotex sent me these i used them immediately.  and had zero problems.  and by zero problems you ladies know exactly what i mean without going into something super, really graphic.
they work.  trust.me.
these babies were the first ones i went to when my monthly friend visited me. and they will be the only ones i go from here on out.  and can i mention that should you need a sample in order to convince you of its effectiveness then you for sure can.  all you need to do is go HERE and you can get your own sample to help convert you to the U by Kotex side with me.  and the fact of the matter is that if a company will put themselves out there by giving you a sample in order to prove that they're the best company out there for you then i don't how you don't go with them.

i'm going to go ahead and help you here by posting various links that will get you where you need to be.
find kotex on facebook here. find kotex on twitter here.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
also you should for sure try this brand because i'm the only person that made my dog pose with the
U by Kotex tampon.

I wrote this review while participating in a content series through Clever Girls Collective on behalf of U by Kotex, and received products to facilitate my post and compensation for my time to participate.

in the very near future

once upon a time i blogged on a semi-regular basis. that time is not right now.  whoops.
so today i'm going to take a moment to tell you about the upcoming things you'll be seeing round these parts.
1// i think the world should be slightly frightened when samm and i get to brainstorming.  it's just that we, as two terrible human beings, really draw out the best (and by best i mean worst) in each other.  just recently we got to talking and then designing and then creating and hopefully by december 1st we'll be able to deliver an early x-mas present to the world.  pray for us.  and our follow-through.
2// i'm writing my first-ish sponsor post.  it's about tampons.  so far i have like two paragraphs written and then it dawned on me that it covers none of the required content.  so basically i'm super talented.  and good at following directions.  but tampons are important.  so be on the look-out for that next week.
3// remember that time i talked about not being a fat ass?  and also about holding myself accountable?  while i didn't fall off the wagon, per se, i'm definitely not like all the way following through.  so that should hopefully change.  if not next week then for the week after.
4// one time i got super drunk and decided i should offer paid sponsorships on my blog.  then i proceeded to forget all about it.  until two people bought those spots.  and then i was super confused.  and then i had to go read my sponsorship options.  and then i had a nervous breakdown.  so thanks helene and nikki for being patient.  it's happening.  i swear.  and in the meantime i extended your time on my sidebar on account of my inherent remedial-ness.
5// my dogs still have fleas.  i wrote about it here.  and as if i wasn't a big enough whack job as it is their constant presence and perseverance in the face of all i have tried to do to murder them (the fleas, not my dogs) is pushing me further and further into a black hole of despair and insanity.  ask whit - she gets it.  but so i called my vet - to like ask her opinion on flea bomb related foggers for the home.  and she recommended against it.  because of the chemicals.  and now she probably thinks i'm a terrible fur-mom because i was all "LOOK LADY CAN I ORDER EXTRA CHEMICALS IN MY FLEA BOMBS BECAUSE I'M DESPERATE AND ON SO THE BRINK OF A FLEA BREAKDOWN THAT I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT THE CHEMICALS.  GIVE ME AN EXTRA HELPING OF CHEMICALS.  THEY WON'T DIE (the fleas, not my dogs)."
6// i'm going with shitler to some sort of gun range on sunday.  he needs to do something with his rifle before he embarks on his war on deer.  i'm in the mood to shoot guns so he better hand it over to me when he's done sighting in that gun of his (in my mind that sounds dirty and i like it).
also this picture from our mexican adventure last year. i added song lyrics.  because i can.  and it's shitler's favorite dave song "pig" so it seemed appropriate.

and also let us #backthatazzup

with whit.

k BYE.

i'm too tired for titles

can i get a show of hands for my fellow i'm-so-exhausted-i-could-just-curl-up-under-my-desk-and-pass-out people?  because basically it feels like i'm some sort of zombie creature just trying to attempt hacking it like a normal person.  
this working out thing that i've committed to (but have barely documented) is literally zapping the life out of me.  i must be doing it wrong because i experience none of these "endorphins" of which people speak. my life consists mainly of sleeping till the last possible minute, dragging myself to work, dragging myself to the gym, and then going home to sleep-shower and pass out.  and then lather, rinse, repeat.  which i'm not sure i even do while i'm in the shower i'm just that tired.
and basically things are overwhelming.  because when i'm out doing things i hate (see: being at work and at the gym) all i can think about is all the other shit i have to do.  like the laundry.  and the mountain of dishes.  the tumbleweeds of dog hair that just casually roll through the house.  and the battling of the fleas.

so generally i think the feeling that i'm feeling is frazzled. kind of like this deep fried whole snapper.

someone come big spoon me.

better than a vlog

it feels as though this week is trying to bury me six feet under. like excuse while i attempt to claw my way out of the insanity that is this week. like work.  and the gym.  and the packers losing to the bears (which, to be fair, i'm still depressed about).
so basically this post is going to be a whole lot of nothing.

because i haven't had time to do anything.  except watch these videos from the weekend on repeat.

thank you - jimmy fallon style

so deals.  everyone loves them, right? does anyone love them in like an unhealthy way?  like maybe when you find a deal you capitalize on it in an obsessive way.  like obsessive in a way that you buy everything they have available and then laugh maniacally.   like some sort of deranged cartoon villain? kind of like this?

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no?  just me? well it's true.  it's mildly orgasmic when i score a phenomenal deal. i mean my wedding?  technically the wedding is free and we just have to pay for the two week vacation and flight which feels like peanuts compared to the nutso price some psychos pay. my wedding dress?  one hundred dolla make you holla. the kindle i just bought was the same price as my dress and for some odd reason that makes me giggle (less actually).

but i digress.  because mainly i just want to talk about thank you cards.  and what a giant money pit they are. it occurred to me that having a bridal shower and a giant party when we get back from the wedding is going to mean that people are probably going to get us stuff and that means that i'm going to have to turn around and buy thank you cards, fill them out, and then mail them.  and mainly i only started thinking about this because i got a thank you card like two weeks ago and i couldn't for the life of me remember what i had even bought the person (and even worse that they remind you of what you bought and you're all "that's what i bought them, hey?") nor for what event it had been for (and no - i don't get invited to a lot of events - i'm just that remedial).

there's a point to this.  i swear. because yesterday i walked into the other money pit in my life (target) and went straight for that $1 section area where they have tons of shit you think you need but you really don't and it was there that i discovered packs of thank you cards.  FOR ONE DOLLAR EACH.  i'm glad i was the only way one in that area because the amount of excited jubilation i immediately began to outwardly demonstrate was highly embarrassing.  so i bought every.single.package that said "thank you" on it and felt like a boss.

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so $40 and forty packages of thank you cards later (i did the math for you in case you're bad at math like i am) i'd like to think i'm pretty much set for thank you cards.  and so naturally i had to excitedly tell shitler all about my triumphant victory.  and naturally he responded like the asshole he is with a "enjoy filling all those out by yourself."

and i thought to myself - "ya, i will enjoy myself.  because i hope people like jimmy fallon thank you note quips and a shitload of glitter."

because that's what they'll be getting.

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