three cheers for the holidays almost being over

is anyone even out there? i mean - it wouldn't shock me if not a soul was reading this. i wouldn't read it if i were you.  and mainly because of lack of content and also because if i could be anywhere right now it would be cocooned in my bed watching burlesque. but instead i'm here listening to the burlesque soundtrack instead.  because i'm a loser. and mainly i'm exhausted.  because of holiday shit and also work.  and also extra restaurant work which is an entire post in and of itself.
mainly i wanted to come here and ramble a bit.  because somehow allergies have hijacked my face and also because santa brought me my period for xmas and i sneezed through my tampon this morning on my to work and GIRLS YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.  and yesterday when i was at target losing my shit over all the sales i blacked out and bought way more stuff than i should have, then forgot to pick up dinner, and then after i picked up the 189 photos i had printed at walgreens the side of the box collapsed and spilled all 189 photos all over the wet, decembery (just made that up) walgreens parking lot.  so i guess i don't really know what's going on.  except that the stuff i bought is literally the most adorable stuff ever.  please see below.

but xmas, hey?  because we did some celebrating pre-christmas.  with people that we don't get to see all the time on account of the fact that they live in minnesota (lame).

and then for actual xmas i just hung out with a bunch of babies.  ADORABLE ONES.

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ALL OF THAT CUTENESS TO EXIST?

i don't even know.

and if you follow me on the gram then you've probably gotten real, real sick of the little E overload but i don't even care what you think because if you don't think she's adorable and you don't want to help me kidnap her then you're a terrorist.  

p.s. i only got to enjoy an hour of my family's xmas because i had to work at the restaurant.  i know - feel sorry for me.  but here's the post from my family's xmas last year.  it's about the same every year.  lots of dubstep, gangsta rap, and shenanigans.
and this is just my most favorite xmas related photo ever that you wouldn't know was even xmas related.

oh and also this one.  noobs.

a jumbled assortment

so last night i had the intention of writing something more awesome than normal.  but then i drank 1.75 bottles of wine, bought some party lite (because i had rewards that were going to expire so duh), and then passed out.  i may have also complained that i wasn't even feeling drunk after said 1.75 bottles of wine but i was drunk-ish enough to apparently put my check card someplace "safe" and then had a full-blown panic attack when i couldn't find it this morning.  how i think any place other than my wallet is a safe place for my check card is beyond me. so what i have for you today is a collection of random things from the past two weeks. i'm sorry in advance.

1// i'm not sure why i'm surprised each and every year when the temperature dips down below frigid.  i mean - it's wisconsin - land of the frozen tundra and whatnot.  but it has been like really, really super cold.  like zero fucking degrees.  like so cold that when you go outside it hurts to breath.  and also so cold that deadly icicles form outside the door and if you like don't hear from me suddenly please direct shitler to the icicle as the thing that murdered me.

2// mornings when i'm not hungover make me feel like that t-rex.  like back the fuck up world because i'm here to fuck shit up.  the other night (wednesday) i decided to drink boxed wine and i was misled because the box is deceiving and you don't know how much you're actually drinking and i over-served myself and then i got irrationally upset with shitler because he wouldn't take me to taco bell to get a taco when in reality i didn't even want a taco but apparently IT WAS THE PRINCIPLE.  so sorry shitler.  let's have tacos this weekend.

3// so my dad is on facebook.  and apparently likes boobs.  i just wasn't prepared to see that pop up in my facebook feed.  and in his defense front row amy is like a milwaukee brewers fixture so i'll let this slide this time GARY.  but i swear to god if he starts liking "big booty hoes" or some shit then i'm quitting facebook.

4// mac dizzle using his toy as a pillow.  what a doofus.  and really he only does that so murphy lee can't have it.  as dog parents we really failed at instilling "sharing is caring" to the boys.  we should probably start praying for whatever future spawn might come our way because they're screwed.

5// i fought snapchat for so long.  and i don't know why.  because i have one friend that sends the best snap chats with carefully drawn dicks and they make my whole entire world complete.  i like that he incorporated such a large penis in this picture of a wedding i was in.  i think it makes it more magical.  maybe the bride and groom want a copy of this one?

and DUH it's time for whitney.  and also jagged edge.  because how did i even forget about jagged edge?

i like to win the good things

so lots of times i see bloggers talking about how much they love the blog world and then like all the reasons why and for me most of those reasons are uber cheesy because they're all "ZOMG SO MUCH SUPPORT AND POSITIVITY" and i'm just over here ruminating in a hate stew at all the things.
but sometimes you go to the twat (twitter for those that don't know) and tweet something like "hey i'm at the bookstore and someone should probably go ahead and tell me what book i should read next."  and then you get a response that changes your life because someone suggests the fault in our stars.  but then that same person is there the next time you need a book suggestion.  and then even though you already went and did as they gently suggested and read eleanor & park they still remember you when they decide to do a blog giveaway that consists of books, and dvds, and music, and gift cards for books and they give you a heads up.  but then even better because like all your dreams come true and you win said giveaway.
so may i just introduce jenn from quirky pickings and LOOK IT'S XMAS EARLY.

but seriously jenn is THE best and has THE best giveaways.  in fact - she has one going on right now so you should probably head over there and enter.  because i'm fixing to win again.
QUIRKY PICKINGS - CLICK THIS LINK.

p.s. i didn't win dog doppelgangers.  just thought i should clear that up.

men i would have sex with that aren't shitler

so this weekend my company had its xmas party. just the annual event where you get to see your co-workers schnockered and dancing to terrible songs with awful dance instructions that i can't even follow along with sober. #cupidshuffle
but after a slew of drinks some ladies started talking about the hollywood actors they get a hall pass on from their husbands.  and then there was me across the table mumbling into my vodka press about the hunks i would forget shitler even existed for.
here's me in a nutshell.

tied for third are two men i would get way grabby with.

paul rudd.

because if he was my step-brother i would date him.  without a doubt.

and i would let him tell me all the reasons he knew i was gay.  that i would wear macramed jean shorts.  and that i liked coldplay.  and that also i had a rainbow bumper sticker on my car that says i love when balls are in my face (err, you get it).  paul rudd ya'll.  be still my heart.

russell brand.

i wish my brain would tell my heart to stop being in love with a man so dirty-looking.  but i just can't quit him.  the accent, the facial hair, his movies.  there was one time shitler and i watched get him to the greek like forty-seven days in row and it was quite easy to just sub russell in for shitler during my day to day activities.

also i would 100% smuggle heroin in my butt if he asked me to.

at second place.

ed norton.

but like more specifically ed norton in american history x.  which makes me uncomfortable.  like does this mean i'm a racist?  does curb stomping turn me on?  the answer is no.  

but he is just too much.  and if he wanted me to join a fight club and fight him i wouldn't even hesitate.

and i would definitely help him reevaluate his life if he only had 24 hours to do so (hello 25th hour).  

but from the comfort of a giant bed.  naked.

AAAAAAAAAAAAND drum roll please.  the top spot.

jeremy piven.

GIMME GIMME GIMME.

i have had a borderline psychotic obsession with him since before entourage so BACK OFF LADIES because i love jeremy so hard.  

his three best movies?  hands down PCU, Black Hawk Down, and Spy Kids: All the Time in the World.

and yes also Old School.
and hell to the yes for The Goods.

i think it's the sarcasm and the fast-talking biting wit that gets me.  it doesn't help that i'm extremely turned on my his entourage character.  and perhaps it's because he's so mean.  but i dig it.

and i would probably let him do butt stuff.

so there's that.  and now i'm just sitting here thinking straight up naughty things.

please excuse me.

i have to go change my underwear.
p.s. steve martin is also on my list but i fear people may not truly understand that.
who would you bang?

cute.

i think i'm a girl with jumbled priorities.
and by jumbled i mean abnormal.  but i think in the best possible way.
like the other day i was attempting to do blog-related things when i got distracted by a commercial on tv that mentioned something about trans-vaginal mesh.  and then i spent an hour googling trans-vaginal mesh related things and forgot about the blog things i had set out to do.
or when the movie honey came on tv and i literally dropped everything i was attempting to do (like laundry and dishes) and became 100% totally engrossed in it.  which is embarrassing because a toddler could probably follow the plot line with no problem.  HIP HOP AT THE CENTA.
or that i bought a second wedding dress the other day.  priorities people.
which got me to thinking about weddings/marriage/ridiculous people. one of my favorite people in the whole entire world, wendalyn lou, oftentimes tells me she doesn't understand how people like me since i'm usually such a giant bitch (and i took some liberties with her statement and she means it in the nicest way like ever).  and i have to admit that i just don't care.  like about anything.  
you don't like me?  i'll live and continue to sleep soundly at night. if you expect me to operate based on what society deems to be appropriate then your expectations of me will surely fall short. i've never been one to let other people's expectations dictate the way my life is going to pan out. marriage?  eh - if it happens it happens.  and if it doesn't then that's ok too. babies?  terrifying but if shitler knocks me up at some point then i guess i'll be a mom. and i guess what i'm trying to get at is the women that say they've been planning their wedding since they were a little girl?  why?  go the fuck outside because it's time to play ghost in the motherfucking graveyard not decide on color schemes and look at swatches.

because you know what's cute?  girls pitching fits that a man hasn't put a ring on it yet.  i bet you a million dollars your boyfriend has never been less attracted to you then when you're throwing a fit about not being engaged.

even cuter?  girls that give men ultimatums.  because nothing would make me feel better about that ring finger being frosted then knowing that it got there because i pressured the shit out of a dude and he didn't actually want to marry me of his own accord.
i guess i've seen and experienced too much of that type of thing with women around me and it makes my brain want to explode.  like weird chicks that i went to college with and happened to have a boyfriend when they graduated went and immediately got married.  like it was the next logical life step instead of making sure that it was happening because of the right reasons.  same thing with babies.  or certain women that think it's necessary to make getting to the altar a competition.  and trust me - they truly do exist and it's not cute.  plenty of people in my life got engaged and married before shitler and i did and those same people had been together a lot less time than we even were.  and you know what's normal?  to get pumped that there's an upcoming wedding to get beat up drunk at.
so basically the moral of the story is that women should stop caring so much. the wedding i'm planning involves a two week vacation and a beach and it's turning out to be way more work than i can handle (which if you're wondering how much work i can handle - the answer is none).
and ladies relax.  shitler proposed after thirteen years of me making his life miserable.
he hit the jackpot when he decided to make me mrs shitler.

i hope some of that made sense.  because bitches be crazy.
p.s.  my lady garden hasn't been a priority lately.  so i should probably make an appointment to get waxed. because guess who else participated in no-shave-november?  my vagina.