a jumbled assortment

so last night i had the intention of writing something more awesome than normal.  but then i drank 1.75 bottles of wine, bought some party lite (because i had rewards that were going to expire so duh), and then passed out.  i may have also complained that i wasn't even feeling drunk after said 1.75 bottles of wine but i was drunk-ish enough to apparently put my check card someplace "safe" and then had a full-blown panic attack when i couldn't find it this morning.  how i think any place other than my wallet is a safe place for my check card is beyond me. so what i have for you today is a collection of random things from the past two weeks. i'm sorry in advance.

1// i'm not sure why i'm surprised each and every year when the temperature dips down below frigid.  i mean - it's wisconsin - land of the frozen tundra and whatnot.  but it has been like really, really super cold.  like zero fucking degrees.  like so cold that when you go outside it hurts to breath.  and also so cold that deadly icicles form outside the door and if you like don't hear from me suddenly please direct shitler to the icicle as the thing that murdered me.

2// mornings when i'm not hungover make me feel like that t-rex.  like back the fuck up world because i'm here to fuck shit up.  the other night (wednesday) i decided to drink boxed wine and i was misled because the box is deceiving and you don't know how much you're actually drinking and i over-served myself and then i got irrationally upset with shitler because he wouldn't take me to taco bell to get a taco when in reality i didn't even want a taco but apparently IT WAS THE PRINCIPLE.  so sorry shitler.  let's have tacos this weekend.

3// so my dad is on facebook.  and apparently likes boobs.  i just wasn't prepared to see that pop up in my facebook feed.  and in his defense front row amy is like a milwaukee brewers fixture so i'll let this slide this time GARY.  but i swear to god if he starts liking "big booty hoes" or some shit then i'm quitting facebook.

4// mac dizzle using his toy as a pillow.  what a doofus.  and really he only does that so murphy lee can't have it.  as dog parents we really failed at instilling "sharing is caring" to the boys.  we should probably start praying for whatever future spawn might come our way because they're screwed.

5// i fought snapchat for so long.  and i don't know why.  because i have one friend that sends the best snap chats with carefully drawn dicks and they make my whole entire world complete.  i like that he incorporated such a large penis in this picture of a wedding i was in.  i think it makes it more magical.  maybe the bride and groom want a copy of this one?

and DUH it's time for whitney.  and also jagged edge.  because how did i even forget about jagged edge?