men i would have sex with that aren't shitler

so this weekend my company had its xmas party. just the annual event where you get to see your co-workers schnockered and dancing to terrible songs with awful dance instructions that i can't even follow along with sober. #cupidshuffle
but after a slew of drinks some ladies started talking about the hollywood actors they get a hall pass on from their husbands.  and then there was me across the table mumbling into my vodka press about the hunks i would forget shitler even existed for.
here's me in a nutshell.

tied for third are two men i would get way grabby with.

paul rudd.

because if he was my step-brother i would date him.  without a doubt.

and i would let him tell me all the reasons he knew i was gay.  that i would wear macramed jean shorts.  and that i liked coldplay.  and that also i had a rainbow bumper sticker on my car that says i love when balls are in my face (err, you get it).  paul rudd ya'll.  be still my heart.

russell brand.

i wish my brain would tell my heart to stop being in love with a man so dirty-looking.  but i just can't quit him.  the accent, the facial hair, his movies.  there was one time shitler and i watched get him to the greek like forty-seven days in row and it was quite easy to just sub russell in for shitler during my day to day activities.

also i would 100% smuggle heroin in my butt if he asked me to.

at second place.

ed norton.

but like more specifically ed norton in american history x.  which makes me uncomfortable.  like does this mean i'm a racist?  does curb stomping turn me on?  the answer is no.  

but he is just too much.  and if he wanted me to join a fight club and fight him i wouldn't even hesitate.

and i would definitely help him reevaluate his life if he only had 24 hours to do so (hello 25th hour).  

but from the comfort of a giant bed.  naked.

AAAAAAAAAAAAND drum roll please.  the top spot.

jeremy piven.

GIMME GIMME GIMME.

i have had a borderline psychotic obsession with him since before entourage so BACK OFF LADIES because i love jeremy so hard.  

his three best movies?  hands down PCU, Black Hawk Down, and Spy Kids: All the Time in the World.

and yes also Old School.
and hell to the yes for The Goods.

i think it's the sarcasm and the fast-talking biting wit that gets me.  it doesn't help that i'm extremely turned on my his entourage character.  and perhaps it's because he's so mean.  but i dig it.

and i would probably let him do butt stuff.

so there's that.  and now i'm just sitting here thinking straight up naughty things.

please excuse me.

i have to go change my underwear.
p.s. steve martin is also on my list but i fear people may not truly understand that.
who would you bang?