something to add to shitler's resume

FIRST - the blog got a makeover.  she deserved it.  she puts up with so much of my bullshit that every now and then she needs some pampering.  natalie from revel & design has some of the loveliest templates around and she did the damn thing for me and now the blog is
B-E-A-UTIFUL.  now that she wasn't before.  but you get it.
so anyway.  i have a semi-long thing to explain to you to get you to an exciting reveal. just hunker down and enjoy it.  or else.
so i don't know how people who don't have the average 9-5 jobs do it. like i know that's a kind of an insane thing to say because people are always like "ZOMG i wish i didn't have a 9-5 job" but your 9-5 enables you to know that you're getting a set paycheck on whatever pay schedule you're on.  i have to give major ups to people that are able to function with serving jobs or other jobs that don't guarantee a set amount of money at any given time.  i would lose my ever-loving shit having to constantly worry about how much i was or wasn't going to get the next time i worked.
which leads me to my point.  and there is one and it's not all that important. because shitler is a sub-contractor or a contractor or something like that.  back in the day he worked for a small home building company and then made the jump to flipping houses with a friend of his.  the agreement was that shitler would be paid a certain amount of money twice a month and once a house sold he would get a bonus (which hallelujah for the bonuses because they paid for a majority of our mexican wedding).  BUT the deal existed based on whether or not shitler was working on a house.  so for the last two months there have been no houses.  so there has been no money.  and shitler has filled his schedule with side jobs and whatnot in order to offset the fact that the set amount of money that we're used to having come in isn't coming in.  which blows.  so it's been touch and go on what amounts of money we have which forces me to have to actually work my scheduled shifts at the restaurant which i routinely try to get out of because of my inherent laziness.
so to make a long story short shitler called me the other day to let me know that the condo deal they were looking into is actually going to be a reality.  which means a two year commitment for shitler which means two years of knowing exactly how much money we will have coming in which is an overall win.  but it gets better.  because shitler is expected to do everything that needs to be done.  so over-hauling units, fixing odds and ends, etc.  and apparently there's some law in wisconsin that reads along the lines of if there's a public pool accessible to people that there needs to be a person that is certified, on hand, to take care of.  which means that that person would be shitler.  which means he would have to take a course and become certified in pool things.  which means, wait for it, THAT SHITLER WILL BE A POOL BOY.
i am legit dying over this.  like loving every minute.  like already shopping for speedos because i'm convinced that that's the official attire of any and all pool boys.  and shitler is all "i think you're confusing me cabana boy" and i'm like "WHATEVER THEY'RE ONE IN THE SAME.  WHAT COLOR SPEEDO DO YOU PREFER?"  
so really you guys.  this is the best news ever. because everyone wins because how would condo owners not want to see some hairy beast shocking their pool in a brightly colored speedo?
so his hairiness will look something like this but instead of those shorts he'll be donning a speedo.   preferably something obnoxious.  just like him.

and also if you need me i'll be belting out this song on repeat in my office cube because i can't stop and i won't stop.  whitney gets it.  the can't stopping and the won't stopping mainly.  probably also the elton.

snapchat completes me

for the longest time i refused to get snapchat. like on the real refused.  my brain just couldn't reconcile the concept nor did i want to be a part of it. but then one evening shitler and i got really, really drunk and he convinced me.  and then picked my username. and the rest, as they say, is history.  
for the longest time i just figured that snapchat was perfect for sending dick pics and snatch shots.  like if brett favre would have just waited a few more years maybe he would have avoided the whole dick pic hot water he found himself in.

but i digress.

if we continue with brett favre we'll end up in a sneaky google spiral that we won't be able to claw our way out of.

the point being is that the other day samm and i were chatting about snapchat.  and she was all "blah, blah, blah something about tits on snapchat."  and then i was all "YES i wish we could get back to snapchat basics and send dick pics and tit shots."  and then i forgot all about all the screenshots of things that i've harvested from snapchat and i am now here to encourage all those that i'm snapchat friends to send me more of the following.

1// artistic snapchats

both courtesy of shitler.  quite the little artist we have on our hands.

2// cleavage shots and/or tit pics

so many tits, so little time to get a screenshot.  

3// gratuitous insults

i just have this gut feeling that we will have the best marriage ever.

4// dick pics

i haven't gotten an actual picture of a real, live dick yet.  but i have a really good feeling about it.  i think i just need to be snapchat friends with brett favre and that would solve my problem.

so there.  the things i like to receive the most via snapchat.

get to work, kids.

also - there will be a blogger edition.  because i've been hoarding screenshots that you have all forgotten you've sent me.  MUAHAHAHA.

this is what lack of focus looks like

i like to google. i begin with an idea and it slowly spirals out of control until what i end with bears no resemblance to what i set out to discover.
i like to begin most of my searches with comical jesus photos:

HA - jesus in a trendy hat. gets me every time.

but then i get distracted and click on something this because i kind of want one:

but then i remind myself that i already have two idiot pets (and shitler).  and then i start thinking that at least they're entertaining even though sometimes their mental capabilities (or lack thereof) overshadow their actual usefulness.

then i think about all the people that don't have animals.

more specifically - the children.

even more specifically - the orphans.

so i googl orphans.

then i start to think about batman and how incredible he is.  so i google batman - but none of the pictures look remotely interesting.  but i just keep clicking on "next page" and it just keps taking me further and further from batman and orphans.

but then i find these:

and then i feel like i won the lottery.

because then i also click on this:

and then this:

so i suppose this last picture can be linked to the first picture.  in that it relates to religion, death, and creation.

i mean - it IS a head of a bird on a well-dressed man's body.

cohesive i am not

here are a few things i feel like writing about that actually don't have much to do with each other.
last night we went scouting freezers so that i can do some general meat hoarding.  since we were out in different areas that we don't normally frequent we decided to stop at woodman's (first timers me shitler and i were).  the jury is still out on how i feel about it.  it's larger than life and makes me slightly uncomfortable and there were three people checking out the cart in front us which made me confused so basically i'm uncomfortably confused about woodman's.  i think.  shitler pointed out that it's as though someone was all "yes, give me every brand of everything in existence because we'll stock it here at woodman's."  and that's exactly right.  because if you need to go to a store that carries 3700 different types of lunch meat then woodman's is for you.
but we went to woodman's.  and i got an orange and a spaghetti squash.  and i was the happiest person ever and i was so excited that i texted samm and was all "WORDS CAN'T DESCRIBE HOW EXCITED I AM TO EAT THIS ORANGE" and she sarcastically said something about me not going too crazy.  so basically this what my life has come to.  becoming outrageously excited about things like squash and oranges.  this diet is making me insane. OH WELL BECAUSE I MADE THE SPAGHETTI SQUASH AND IT WAS GOOD AND I WAS CONTENT-ISH.

that actually looks like trash.  sorry.  but it was delicious.  so don't judge that poor squash by that gross photo.

also like two weeks ago we were up in the northwoods.  it was there that shitler decided to mess with his tooth that he thought he cracked a week prior but did what we both do best and just ignored it.  so while playing with it he actually cracked it worse.  like into two separate pieces.  one which jutted up over the other part of his tooth preventing him from being able to bite down thus not allowing him to eat solids/anything good thus making me cackle BECAUSE WELCOME TO MY DIET WORLD.  but that's neither here nor there.  because upon cracking his tooth he looked at me with giant puppy dog eyes and the sad lip (i added the sad lip part for fun) and said "can you call your manager and take off so you can come to the dentist with me?"  SO I DID.  because men are really just giant babies.  so we visited the dentist and then journeyed to the oral surgeon where they extracted said tooth.  and then on the drive home shitler said "i'm a man.  i work construction and i build things but the dentist frightens me."  and i was like "ok.  take your pills."

so it's since been a week and he's still in pain and he's still taking pills and sending me pill-related snap chats.

but his face is hurting less and less which means i have to hear him bitch about it less and less.  but also him and murphy lee just hanging out in bed together is just too hilarious for me to even handle.

so there.  things that don't go together but now do go together because i wrote about them in the same post.
p.s. i'm getting real annoyed at not being able to listen to the beyonce album on spotify.  like COME.ON. but they will let me listen to two songs.  which is generous of them.  and one i'm completely obsessed with now.   beyonce's "XO" can just do it to me.  so naturally i'll link up with whitney and blast this shit on repeat.

porn: of the kindle variety

i have always been a sucker for books. and part of me blames my parents.  my mom said that she used to read to me every single night so it was only natural that i was reading chapter books before i hit kindergarten and throwing temper tantrums in the stores when my parents wouldn't buy me any new books.
so when e-readers, kindles, nooks, etc. became all the rage i was the first person to openly declare that i would never, ever succumb to the evils of such nonsense.  fast forward however much the appropriate fast forwarding time is to this last october 31st and i caved.  i caved so hard it hurt.  because i bought a kindle and i've never been happier in my whole entire life because now i can secretly hoard books and shitler has no clue/doesn't bitch at me as much because i don't bring home bags full of books to clutter up the house with. but my kindle has caused/enabled me to start doing naughty things.  like hoard smut.  like gleefully read the naughtiest of things and no one is the wiser because i'm just holed up over in my corner of the couch, giggling quietly and blushing.  i mean, every now and then shitler should yell "HAND CHECK BITCH" and i should have to do so so he knows i'm not playing DJ Diddles on the couch to all my kindle porn.
so let me tell you a story about one of my kindle porn books.  there's this fantastical website called bookbub.com where you can go on and peruse hundreds of books that are either free or dirt cheap.  and they're not like awesome but they're cheap and dirty (like me) so it works.  so one time i was browsing and saw a book called Game Misconduct.  and i was intrigued.  so i read part of the description and it said "the game has always cast a shadow over oriana delgado's life.  she should hate the game.  but she doesn't.  the passion and the energy of the sport is part of her.  but so is the urge to drop the role of the dartmouth cobra owner's 'good daughter' and find a less...conventional one."  naturally i was intrigued.  and for the steal of being zero dollars i figured i'd give this book a shot and see what type of shenanigans oriana could get herself into trying to be less conventional.  turns out those shenanigans were of the gang bang variety and would put 50 shades of grey to shame.  so of course i read the whole damn thing.  and then purchased the rest of the five books in the smutty series and each one got progressively more and more descriptive.  descriptive to the point that nothing i read even shocks me anymore.
here's the cover:

GET IT ORIANA.  get.it.girl.

i highly doubt that my parents ever thought that encouraged young shannon to read at an early age would result in older, adult shannon being addicted to hoarding books with pictures of people in the throes of passion/half naked men on the cover.  but here we are.  because i can't stop.  and i won't stop.

so read the smut with me.

also please suggest more smut.

KINDLE PORN 4 LIFE.

an update about how hungry i am

hello world.
i thought i would come here and let you know that it's been twenty-one days since i've had a carb.  or anything booze related.  basically anything delicious.  and there's still 102 days left till i can have a carb.  or booze.  and basically my life sucks.  and yes i measure the quality of my life in terms of carbs and booze so lay off me.  because mainly i'm constantly fantasizing about food and/or watching shitler eat something delicious and then making him describe it to me in all sorts of food porn glory.
but i guess 102 more days of hellish no carb/no booze living is doable.  doable but terrible.
so quickly let me tell you something sad.
i was sick over the weekend and couldn't keep any food down/all the smells of food made me want to hurl.  and on saturday i tried to eat a sugar-free jell-o and i made it three bites in before i promptly upchucked said three bites (who throws up jell-o).  so for three days i ate nothing and wallowed in my own self-pity.  and then sunday night i felt slightly better and binge watched the following and defrosted some ground turkey because i got it in my head that i needed to have a turkey burger sans bun.  so i finished defrosting said ground turkey in the microwave and then dumped a bunch of stuff (like an egg) in a bowl and mashed it all together.  but my excitement for said turkey burgers sans bun quickly diminished when the consistency of the ground turkey revealed itself to be more mush like than solid like.  naturally i chose to ignore that fact and press on, forming the mush as best i could into patties, and plopping them on the george foreman.  the mushy patties looked like trash but i still had every intention of attempting to cook them.  so i closed the lid on the foreman and watched the grill sink all the way closed - as in straight down through the mush patties.  me, not being totally discouraged quite yet, chose to ignore that small bit and let it cook.  like "hey self - maybe it's not as bad as you know it really is."  after letting my mush patties cook for a bit i lifted the lid and everything was as terrible as i had tried to pretend it wasn't.  mental picture: imagine browning ground turkey on a george foreman.  because that's basically what i had done.  nothing was in patty form and i wanted to cry.  like seriously cry.  p.s. i should mention i also got my period so all things in the world were working against me.  so while shitler laughed maniacally at me from the living room i sadly scrapped my mushy turkey into the garbage, ate a sugar-free jell-o, and went to bed.
so that's my life.  full of hunger and disappointment.   and i can't even drink to cope with it.
dear vodka - i miss you and i'll see you soon-ish.

p.s.  sorry about this whole entire post because it's a bunch of garbage.

p.p.s.  the no carb/no booze has been slightly effective.  as in 11.3 pounds lost effective.  so at least there's that.

withdrawal is a bitch

so shitler and i did the unthinkable the other day.

we cancelled cable.

things are touch and go.  i'm a little shaky and a lot irritable.  

mainly because i have zero access to my favorite channel - BRAVO.  i'll readily admit that i watched almost every piece of shit show that bravo could think of.  bravo just understood me at the most basic of levels.  it offered me shows that made me wish rich people could adopt adults (like me, adopt me!), shows that highlighted people's lives that were bigger train wrecks than mine (therefore not making me feel so awful about my own tragic life), and also shows that made me want to punch babies (relax - ugly babies).  so currently i'm in a state of mourning.
but i thought that i would reflect back on the bravolebrities that i desperately want to be best friends with/be my roommate/become my personal bodyguard and drinking pal.

1. brandi glanville

girl is cray squared in the best possible way and she cracks me up.  there's nothing i like better than watching a hilarious woman who enjoys drinking, make obscene comments that make my jaw drop.  bitch gives zero fucks and makes no apologies for her whacked out behavior (at least not a lot of apologies).  and make no mistake - i enjoy brandi immensely.  i'm not sure how people can't get down with a girl that calls out the stench of another woman's vagina on live television, nor a woman that makes the clear distinction "i'm not a bully, i'm a bitch."

personally i've been looking to get into more bullying lately and if i had to pick a bravolebrity vicious enough to assist me i would go with brandi.

best brandi gifs are as follows:

BRANDI - call me.

2.  GG

i die for shahs of sunset.  like i want to be persian and wear all gold everything and have creepy witch-pointed nails like GG.  chick is a giant bag of crazy and mainly she scares me shit-less so i feel the need to side with her on everything whether she's right or wrong out of sheer terror at what she could do to me with her very much talked about knife collection.  also she goes camping with her family and i wish she would invite me along.

SIDENOTE -  homie is a tiny little thing and i get the distinct feeling she would wreck me if she ever felt the need to brawl with me.  

also anyone that says "if you come at me backwards, i'll come at you sideways" wins all the things.

best GG gifs are as follows:

GG - you're the cutest, most terrifying litter bug i ever did see.

3.  stassi

i don't know how she does it but homegirl pulls off bitch better than anyone i have watched on television.  there is literally nothing that stassi can't do once she puts her mind to it.  some other bravolebrity that i can't remember once decreed "DON'T COME FOR ME UNLESS I SEND FOR YOU" and this is pure stassi through and through.

lady stassi dismisses people, controls people, and is the all-around HBIC (head bitch in charge in case you live under a rock and don't know what that means).  typically i'm one to be extremely annoyed by people that make their birthday (just your yearly reminder that you are, in fact, one year closer to death) a week long event that they can't shut the fuck up about.  but stassi is someone who's birthday should be celebrated every.day.of.the.year.

she needs to teach me her ways.

best stassi GIFs are as follows:

stassi - don't be alarmed that you're the only waitress that i've ever wanted to skin and wear.

i don't know why i'm attracted to such train wrecks of crazy.  but i would give my right arm (my dominant one, mind you) to be a fly on the wall of any of their domiciles.  also, if i had one wish, it would be that stassi was constantly on television.  like mainly on a local cable channel because we just got a satellite thingy and we get like six whole channels.  i realize this post has been entirely about women from reality television that i kind of want to mouth kiss, BUT IN A PLATONIC WAY, and i'm not the least bit sorry if you came here and and you now think you've wasted your time.  i know i wasted my lunch hour surfing through all sorts of GIFs of stassi just to get my bravo fix.  whatever.

honorable mention goes to lisa vanderpump.
because if adults could adopt other adults i'd punch a pregnant woman to make it happen.

p.s. none of the GIFs are mine and i didn't make them nor do i take credit for them.  they either came from here or from tumblr and i'm too lazy to go back and find where i got them.  so blow me.

WWJD: he'd give major props to our online ordained religious person

swearsies this isn't turning into a blog about weddings.  or mainly a blog about my wedding. but there will definitely be upcoming posts about said wedding.  mainly about how everything that could go wrong, will go wrong.  i certainly hope that i'm not more ceceptible to murphy's law since i own a dog named murphy but things are starting to seem that way.
fun fact: i have a bachelors in religious studies.  i know - your mind is totally blown.  but i needed to preface this post with that so people don't think i'm anti-church stuff.  because i'm not.  mainly i'm totally obsessed with all things religious history - hence the useless bachelor's degree.  what i WILL roll my eyes at are things that are overly church-related that get shoved down people's throats/the people that mainly do church-related things for attention.  those are the things i can do without.
with that being said i must reveal that shitler and i will not be married by a person of the cloth. we will be married by this guy:

jury is still out on whether the dog is assisting or not.  but she's more than welcome.

i think it's semi-hilarious the amount of time and effort people put into their wedding.  like picking the right pastor/reverend/priest, or the vows, or which church.  i mean our choice was born out a drunken discussion one night and someone dibs'ing the vows.  

originally it was this girl who so wanted to marry us:

and no i don't give out lapdances on the regular but at that moment in time it seemed like a good idea.  in a drunken discussion one night it was decided that maybe april (chick above) should be one of my bridesmaid and not our woman of the cloth.  and that maybe our dearest friend, uncle, should be the one to marry us.  i don't know of anyone that knows us better than uncle.  we boat, we drink, we ice fish, we get down with our bad selves with uncle and for that we love him.  so uncle did what any future pastor/reverend/whatever does and went online to get ordained.  and he will journey with us to mexico where hopefully the ceremony he delivers will be a complete shit show.  because that's what this whole thing is (and i say that lovingly-ish).

i think it's abundantly clear that shitler and i are two people that take nothing too seriously and i'd rather have someone marry us that knows us and our drinking habits.  also - uncle is making us do the fun kind of pre-marriage counseling.  like the kind at a bar.  so that's a plus.

there's actually no point to this post.  mainly i just wanted to tell everyone that our online-ordained pastor/reverend/minister is better than yours.

and also that shitler and i feel good about it.  probably really the only thing we feel good about pertaining to the wedding.  other than the two week vacation.