no butt hurts

so the bachelor was on last night. FANTASY SUITES, WHAT?!
and for like the last week all ABC has advertised was all the fantasy suite dramz that was going to happen and i just so desperately wanted the dramz to be juan pablo trying to put it in someone's butt.  and not like on accident but on purpose and then for a girl to have a meltdown and maybe that makes me not a girl's girl (obscure real housewives reference) but i was so hoping to be able to use the term "butt hurt" in some sort of joke that actually related to butt stuff.  but whatever i didn't get my wish because apparently the chick wants "someone who will love her more than they love themselves" and i wanted to throw things at the television because she wah'd big time that she wasted all this time and i may have done the math about how much time and money it would cost me to travel to her and strangle her with my bare hands.
because come on you're an idiot if you go on the shit show bachelor and expect to find your one great love. so naturally i got angry.  and then i turned to this channel thing we have on the roku where you can watch movie trailers and i very quickly found the fault in our stars trailer and watched it literally over and over again until i felt better about myself and also when it looked like it was time for shitler to get home from bowling so i could wash my face from the crying over the trailer for the fault in our stars without shitler all out judging me for being such a cry face baby.
one time i wrote a whole post on books and mainly the fault in our stars.  check it here. and also i die for this and for the whole book and for the movie.

which, the more i think about it, the more this quote could super duper apply to a stalker.

which gives me the lolz.

but excuse me while i daydream about frolicking in a field of flowers.  you can stalk me there.

BYE.

p.s. flower image is from here.  i just added the creepy could be stalker line.

gym babbles

WELL HELLO TUESDAY. we meet again. remember that one time samm and i banned together to have a new blog and then we like posted seven times and were never heard from again?  it's cool - we do too.  and we also plan on posting again. at some point. 
but since only like a fraction of you read it you can go back to tuesdaysquared.com and do us all a favor and check it out.  or else (i haven't come up with an 'or else' yet so be patient).
there's not much a point to this post.  other than to tell you that i went to the gym three whole days in a row and when i go tonight it will be four days in a row.  which i think is unheard of in the land of shan.  there have been plenty of things that i have tried to sabotage my gym-going or my gym-leaving once i'm there. like a sneeze attack, the fact that i washed my heart rate monitor (the watch part) in the wash machine, a man's constant farting on the machine next to me, daydreams of my couch, etc. etc. etc.
but it happened.  a workout.  three days of workouts. and my armpit muscles hurt.  is that a thing?
but really - that's all i wanted to write. and also i wanted to ask you skanks for circuit training recommendations. like semi-easy to follow for the semi-remedial.

p.s. the only marginally acceptable thing about working out and dieting is seeing results.  the other night i measured my ass and i didn't think it was any smaller.  but the reality is that i lost three inches in my waist, hips, and tits since starting this bullshit "i don't want to be chubby for my wedding" thing on january 1st.

p.p.s. i'm super, super glad you can't see the atrocious length of my leg hair in the above picture.

friday is the tits

sometimes bloggers are all "ZOMG A FEW THINGS FRIDAY" and it makes me feel like a slightly less of a terribly disorganized person that can never just get their fucking shit together because they're too busy listening to howie day's "collide" on repeat all day to post something cohesive that has an actual point.
so i'm going to "a few things friday" the shit out of this post.
i feel like a majority of the time i spend on facebook is me mainly unfollowing everyone that annoys me. regina george helps with this.

once upon a time a cat hung out at my house.  i won't like all the way admit to the fact that it was a clever plot to try and get the cat to be a permanent roommate because then shitler will be all "I FUCKING KNEW IT" and i will deny it till the cows come home (which is a weird saying but i still like it) but his name was charlie and he was fantastic and he loved rumchata and also acted like a dog.  and it's no secret that cats crack me up and i just want to look at cat lolz all day long as a full-time job. so i made this side by side thing.  on the left is shitler and sir charles sizing each other up.   and on the right is exactly how i imagine cats make fun of us.

i read some where that it's not a good to tell people when you're going to be home alone.  so naturally i'm going to tell the internet.  but i think that makes me semi-full of myself because that's operating on the assumption that enough people read this and would care enough to take time out of their weekends to terrorize me/home invade.  so really - shitler will be out of town this weekend.  murdering rabbits.  and i'm going to watch practical magic at least eleven times and weep because i'm still bleeding internally. i don't imagine he'll need all these weapons to hunt down wabbits but in my mind i like to think so.

lastly.  there's a new topless picture of miley and whenever i look at it i react like a teenage boy and my brain just giddily screams TITTIES TITTIES TITTIES TITTIES TITTIES.  mature, i know.  if you want me to send you the x-rated version that doesn't have smiley faces covering her nipples just let me know and i'll gladly send it your way.

for all the wins in the world i've been listening to sam smith constantly this week. it seems to help salvage whatever sanity i have left. HERE YOU GO WHITNEY.

let's discuss

once upon a time i used to sometimes post conversations between myself and my friend ben. i called it "textual feeling" but then i stopped because ben must have ceased to be interesting to me or something.  but that's neither here nor there.  because not too long ago he texted me a question and then we had a discussion.  it went as follows:

so now i'm curious.

what would you do?

head first or feet first under a closing 

gate like in an action movie?

or just stay and get caught with me?

WW: my friends are better than your friends

i think it's no surprise that i'm a fan of all things weird. like GIVE ME WEIRD OR GIVE ME DEATH and all that. so while perusing the webz the other day i stumbled upon this stunning picture:

and naturally i posted it on facebook with the caption:

the overall vibe of my wedding.  HOPEFULLY.

and then facebook cronies left comments and they made me joyous because duh.

so yes. my mexican wedding will be grand.  because of masks, and nipple tape, and pancakes with sugar free, organic, and locally sold maple syrup.
i'm going to link this up to a wedding wednesday post because i can. and because i think all wedding wednesday link ups need this post.
and in unrelated news i framed that first picture and it's going up on my gallery wall. shitler was less than enthused and was all "we know plenty of people that we could frame pictures of and put up.  you're stupid."   and i was all "but i really, really want to know this person.  plus it looks cool so don't fuck with my art."

it's like the edgier version of leaving the pictures of the people that come in the frames in the frames and then hanging them on your wall like they're people you know in real life.

but like we all know the truth - those people are way too attractive to be your friends in your life.  or at least in my life.  which is why i think the maple syrup loving werewolf person is a more reasonable friend choice.

at least for myself it is.

hung up

about once a month i tend to get in a mopey "woe is me" mood where i get like super morose and just want to listen to sad girl music and whine about things.  and it usually coincides with the time of the month where the red death makes a dramatic entrance and you would think after so many years i would recognize the timing and like not be ridiculous but it just keeps happening and will keep happening until like the end of time.  but mainly i just want to be left alone in a quiet room by myself where i shouldn't be expected to have to interact with people and also where there's cheese readily available.  and it occurred to me that i just basically described prison (sans the cheese) and i don't want to go to prison because i'm pretty sure they wouldn't let me have my kindle porn and i bet there's cheese but it's probably just like kraft singles and no thank you kraft singles.
but anyway i made this with help from computer things. and i think it's pretty and i like lewis carroll and it made feel marginally less hateful towards everything in the whole wide world.  and now i want to get it printed and framed but if i do it will end up taking shitler like a month to hang it and by that then it will be time for the red death again and everything will make me sad again and i'll be like
"WELL PLAYED MENSTRUATION CYCLE, WE MEET AGAIN."

p.s. it just dawned on me that i referenced a white rabbit and my period in the same post and in my mind that made me laugh because well i think it's obvious.

the one where i say i'm going to the gym

i think i'm going to go to the gym today. why?
because i checked my wedding countdown app and there's, hang on, 2 months18days5hours and 38 minutes till that shit show of a wedding.  and then i also checked my scale and i'm only down 17 pounds and i need to be down more so i figure i should get my shit together and just nut up and go to the gym.
when it the three month mark back whenever i got a text from tiff wishing me a happy three months till my wedding and i told her then i was going to go the gym.  but then i sneezed like three times in a row and convinced myself i was very clearly falling ill and should go straight home and rest.  so i did just that.  and instead of being actually active i just actively engaged in watching episodes of mob wives and wondered how much different my life would be had i been born into a crime family. p.s. i can't help but think that i would have made a really great mob wife.
but alas - none of of my mob wives watching really burns any calories. although my vintage teen mom watching might burn a low amount of calories because fucking jenelle is one bitch that cracks me up on the daily.   so i'm going to the gym. so someone doesn't continue sending me snapchats like this.

my future husband is a dick.

VD DAY. ER, V-Day

well it's v-day. in my mind i see VD day.  and i guess that's gross but it makes me laugh so i'm going to keep that.
aside from all the normal people hating v-day for all the normal reasons i hate it more-so because i'm forced to work at the shithole restaurant.  last year v-day landed on a day of the week i don't normally work (like thursday or some bullshit) so i was forced to give up a weeknight to wait tables and it made me rage hate v-day more than i normally do.  this year, v-day lands on a friday, which for all intents and purposes shouldn't make me so hateful.  but it does.  because a normal busy friday night is filled with parties and large bills and bigger tips.  but tonight it will be filled with two-tops (tables of two for those of you not in the biz) and the whole night will just be me and my fellow co-horts getting deuced to death with tabs no more than fifty doll hairs.
and the worst thing is that i can't go home after my shift and drink till i can't feel feelings and binge eat cheese fries.  instead i'll just eat steamed green beans and chug water till i "break the seal" and start going to the bathroom every five minutes and then in my mind i'll pretend i'm drunk and then i'll go in search of my mood health pills, take some, and pass out with robin hood: men in tights on in the background.
and that, ladies and gentleman, is how you do a sober, on-a-diet v-day.
p.s. i'm toying around with the idea of printing these out and casually handing them out to all the skanks tonight.

also this song.

on repeat.  with whit.

a spree of shopping

what up ya'll. i feel like if you know me then you know that i'm one cheap motherfucker. like instead of all black everything i'm over here like ALL CLEARANCE EVERYTHING.
but really i'm cheap. shitler is all "i want a snowmobile" and i'm all "we'll get you one of those cheap plastic sleds. after this winter season.  because then it will be on sale and you can have something for next winter."  or when he bowls on tuesday nights and they have $1 tacos - i'm like "you can have one.  because we're broke."  so naturally when we had to actually start thinking about planning a wedding i was all for the choice that came with the cheapest price tag and also involved the least amount of work because HELLO INHERENT LAZINESS.
but anyway - we finally paid off the remnants of what we owed on the wedding last week so that's a monkey off my back and one less thing to have a panic attack about.  but now there are things we need to buy that we didn't necessarily forget about but just didn't actually think about.  like wedding bands, and wedding gifts, and also necessities like new items of clothing for me to wear while on my mexican wedding adventure. so the point of this entire thing is that i went on a bit of spending spree in the last week and i don't even feel all that guilty about because there's something magical about online shopping.
besides the convenience there's also the excitement that packages will arrive on your doorstep and you'll feel like a kid on x-mas morning all over again.
things i have to look forward to on my doorstep: new sandals shirts for all the guys to wear sunglasses groomsmen gifts (i don't know why i'm excited for this but i think mainly because of the being able to open the box when it arrives factor) shitler's bday present some way clearanced swim suit bottoms my engagement ring
when the time comes that everything has arrived and i no longer have anything to look forward to coming by way of mail delivery i think i will be sad.
but then again i'll have these sunglasses. and these sunglasses make me want to hump things.

 

but we still have to buy dad gifts, and mom gifts, and a photographer friend gift, and also the man marrying us a gift.  so i think i will have things to look forward to for awhile.  but i just have to figure out all the presents first.  your suggestions are welcome.

planning a wedding is hard.

and mine is one that takes the least amount of planning/work so i don't understand how other bridal skanks get turned on by this shit/ZOMG have been planning this since they were a little girl.  ew.

just recently i've made peace with the fact that murphy lee won't be at the wedding.

which i think is bullshit.  i mean - he's already wearing a tux.

there's an app for that

girls crack me up. mainly because there are a gazillion things that girls care about that i just don't have the brain capacity to allocate to whatever nonsense they're caring about at any given point in time.
example?  ok sure.
the other day someone asked me how many days until the "big day" and i just kind of gave them a blank stare.  because i didn't know.  but then i had an "A HA!" moment and was all "one sec i need my phone" and they were like "ohhh do you have a wedding countdown app?" and then i was like "excuse me what they make those?" and they were like "ya.  what did you need your phone for if that's not what you were doing?"  and then i had to admit that the only way i know how many days until the day is by checking my target bridal registry because they're kind enough to tell you how many days until the day.
but then i thought about this countdown app some more and i got it into my head that i for sure needed one.  so i downloaded a free one.  and even the free one came with so many options. pictures, phrases, how you would like your countdown worded (down to the exact second in case you were wondering).  so then i spent a godawful amount of time setting my wedding countdown app up and then this is all i ended up with.

whatever. i'm bad at things.

an escape attempt

i swear that my dog is bat shit crazier than yours. on the real. between walking around whining, pretending he's a 60 pound lap dog, and humping his brother i can assure you life with mac is never boring.
shitler says that he will wait on the back steps for me until i get home.  as in he won't move.
for anything. he has to be touching you constantly.  leaning up against you, his paw delicately placed over your hand, his head in your lap, etc.  overall he's just an attention seeking/needy horn dog.
my friend sent me this side by side the other day. it should be noted that the westminster dog on the left is not a border collie.  it's an australian shepherd.  so basically cousins.  but HELLO mac's doppleganger.

quick story and then i'm done with this random post about nothing.

on a normal basis i can let both my dogs out and not have to worry about them.

like i couldn't lose mac if i tried because that dog is way too obsessed with me to ever go anywhere.

but i digress.  because on sunday afternoon i let them out and mac made a fucking bee-line for the bar across the lake and left me standing on the shoreline screaming like a lunatic.

that's it.  bye.

p.s. none of that junk on the shoreline is mine. 

dixie chickens & tennessee lambs

i don't mean to toot my own horn or anything but today marks the fifth time this week that i've posted something.  as in - each day of the working week.  as in something that's unheard of round these parts because i'm a lazy, unmotivated piece of shit (on a good day).  
that being said i thought i would keep you kids apprised of the goings on here in wisconsin. it's still cold.  like frigidly so.  which is cool.

that's the lake shitler and i live on.  don't let the sky fool you.  it's cold as shit and i want to do nothing that involves me leaving the cocoon of blankets i create for myself on the daily.

i'm not even ashamed to admit that i'm possibly more excited for the announcement and ticket sale of the dave matthews band tour than i am for my own wedding.  but it's been two years since shitler and i went to one of the concerts and it makes my soul unhappy.  so naturally the best wedding gift ever on the face of the planet is someone telling you that that's what they're buying you.  perhaps shitler can get nice and close and he can get another shot like this.

i don't have much else to mention.

except i could eat an entire jar of jalapenos in a sitting.

i feel like that creature from LotR when i get my paws on a jar because i'm all:

sidenote - is anyone else obsessed with that goddamn jason derulo song "talk dirty?"

because i am and i often put it on repeat and then feel incredible shame for loving it.

but the 2 chainz part?  that shit is my jam and i just belt it out for all to hear.

especially this part:

so naturally here's the song.  because i'm terribly addicted.

also the link up with whit.

i want a baby

so babies.  and by extension having a family.
i'm almost always confused by it.  because in my mind when i'm perusing my facebook and it's filled with people i went to high school with and they're having babies my mind reverts back to a high school mentality and i channel an old person and scream "BABIES HAVING BABIES?!"  even though it's been like a decade since i attended a high school that was famous for having no windows and it's a totally logical thing for people to be having families and doing grown-up things.
but mainly when i see people choosing to procreate, like getting knocked up on purpose i can't help but utter a completely horrified "why?"  because it seems like all fun and games until explosive diapers happen and/or you get urinated on (i've heard that's a thing).
5 reasons why i want a child  (and therefore reasons i shouldn't be allowed to have a child)
1// a real life doll i don't know when the last time anyone was in the baby section at any store (except wal-mart. don't baby clothes shop at wal-mart because that place is terrible) but myself, my bank account, and shitler are all convinced it's the most dangerous place on the planet.  i know some people with babies and i always take it upon myself to buy their children clothing.  which sometimes is maybe crossing a line because it might scream "this is how i wish your baby would dress."
but really i bought baby E a tiny pink fleece and yes she's giving finger guns to murphy lee.

2// children are the ultimate excuse

and i say that lovingly.  i feel like a baby can get away with the worst of behavior.  like teen mom's jace (poor kid never stood chance with his remedial mother) and his love of the word "fuck" and also hitting his bio-mom and telling her "you deserve it."  the kid knows what he wants and also how to vocalize his frustrations with his bat-shit mother.  but if i had a kid and it did obscene or offensive things in public (like pull down his pants and pee somewhere) i would just shrug my shoulders and be like "it's three, what do you want from me?"  the sticking out of tongues, the spitting, the general naughtiness, etc. is hilarious.  i mean, you have a toddler and they're insane and that's just it.

i can't even handle shitler's behavior so there's no hope with a baby.

3// babies can look like trash and by extension so can moms

right now when i look like shit people just assume i'm a hungover piece of shit.  or maybe they think things like "GOOD LORD SHANNON JUST SHOWER.  YOU'RE AN ADULT AND IT'S NOT THAT HARD AND ALSO YOUR HAIR IS STARTING TO RESEMBLE SOME SORT OF RAT'S NEST SO GET IT TOGETHER."  but if you had a baby they would end up just being so much work that you would never have time to do anything else.  which would work well for me and also justify my questionable hygiene and clothing choices.  also people would stop telling me to sit like a lady or some bullshit.

4// convince it of things that aren't true

i have the strangest urge to just mess with babies.  like convince them that a banana is really a refrigerator and vice-versa.  i know that sounds cruel but i think it's important to keep yourself entertained and also help children overcome hardship early on.  i actually really, really just want to be entertained and i think things could be hilarious if a child kept demanding a refrigerator.

this picture doesn't have anything to do with the above but she kept throwing jesus on the ground and i couldn't stop laughing.

5// a leash

i would 100% put my child on a leash.  once again - for my own entertainment.  and also it would be a leash that could extend so that said child could run for yards or i could teach them to heel and tighten the leash and make them walk right by my side like a "good dog kid."

THEY WOULD BOTH LOVE TO GO FOR A WALK ON A LEASH.

but anyway.  those are all the reasons.

and for all those reasons i probably really shouldn't be given a child on a full-time basis.

talk to me when i'm forty.

the cuteness, though.

birthday baby

i'm sure everyone has seen that video about the little girl who gets the news that she's getting a baby brother. if you haven't then just click here.  i would embed it but it won't let me.  which is cool.
but i digress.  it's hilarious.  and she is just not having it. which is how i like to picture my reaction when i was told i was getting a baby brother. another one. i wrote the middle child a birthday dedication.  you can read it here.
but anyway - you're the baby. matthew.  it's your sister, shannon.   or shmo as you still insist on calling me (by the way i think you're the only one that still does). but anyway - it's your birthday.  you're still seven years younger than i am and i'm still a tad bitter that i didn't get a sister.  i mean - i already had nickolas so it would it have killed you to have a vagina?   whatever - i never get what i want.  i realize that i have to keep things semi-PG considering you're on track to be a cop.  so let's attempt a birthday dedication to you.
here's the three of us.

you're the one with the arrow pointing at you (in case you didn't know).  it's cute that you're the youngest but now you're the tallest out of everyone.  including our father.  remember when you used to live in that one room upstairs?  the one closest to mom and dad's room?  but then you went to college and mom turned it into a black hole of a craft room and now it's filled with a gazillion stamps from when she used to make her own cards for all sorts of occasions?  do you remember when we took this picture of you?

you look dead.  and also - that's not even our dog.

that shit is hilarious.

but hot damn did we used to be cute.  hashtag am i right?

remember how you used to work at that old folk's home with me?  first they made you dig holes and then they let you be a pretend waiter at the old people's lunch.  but then you got a job at a real restaurant as a busboy and sometimes your big sister would show up hammered and make you pretend to act like you were serving me drinks?

anyway - you're the baby.

we have things in common.  like our middle names meaning something (ahem sorry nickolas).

matthew louis and shannon rose 4 life.

i can never remember if i'm the only one that never got an underage drinking ticket?

i mean - you definitely didn't because you didn't drink till you were 21.

but really you just crack me up.  you listen to underground rap music (which i still don't even know what that means) and love saying things like "gangsta cookies" and "know what i'm sayin."

your wardrobe is questionable.

but you're acceptable for the sister i never got.

shitler likes you too.

happy birthday foo.