it's smut and i'll read it if i want to

today i was going to do some sort of wedding related post but then i bailed on it because even i'm getting slightly sick of looking at my own wedding photos and i figured that if i'm sick of them you must be sick of it too.  but there are a few more that are absolutely hilarious and i promise are totally worth another post so like when you least expect it i'll shove it in your face. but i do think that a post about smutty kindle porn is one hundred percent more interesting than anything wedding-related so if you're not my goodreads friend and you can't see the constant updates of terribly titled sexy-times books then i'm here to give you a quick run-down of books that i've ditched shitler for in the past week.  books that are both terrible and also titillating.
terrible books that i should have stopped reading but begrudgingly finished

ok cat - i'll call you that.  you look like a sexy high class lady that maybe needs to have her feathers ruffled a bit by a man not of her same social status.  oh but wait that's not the story line?  you mean the story line is actually about a girl whose parents were serial killed and in order for her to pay for her increasing college tuition has to take a job as a sex line phone operator and in between phone calls for her job and studying for school has to deal with the fact that the serial killer that murdered her parents is also obsessed with her?

WHOEVER PICKED THAT COVER SHOULD BE FIRED.

and whoever decided that the majority of the sexy scenes should be phone sex scenes should maybe also reevaluate what they think is sexy.  because i happen to think that phone sex is way un-sexy.  like there's only so many adjectives i can come up with on the fly to try and help someone come to fruition.  and it seems awkward to try and cradle a small cell phone between your ear and your shoulder while attending to below the belt ministrations.

rating: 2 stars (because giving one star makes me feel like an asshole)

seven sons should probably be re-titled "terrible, cheap attempt at sons of anarchy fanfiction."

aside from the tired plot line of girl seeking revenge because the motorcycle club murdered her dad this book was filled with tons of sex scenes that i wish i could rid my brain of.  like way too mean scenes of the girl with the head of the motorcycle club that was responsible for the death of her father in slightly violent sexual relations.  combine that with the fact that the girl is apparently supposed to hate said head of the motor cycle club but is also coming to fruition in each and every encounter she has with him and it's just too much.  at least for this reader.  not to mention that i'm one reader that doesn't like to be hurried through a well written sex scene but in the case of this book i couldn't be happier that the author's style is more in "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" writing.  couple with the fact that there are apparently like six more books in this collection, all of which you have to pay for, it became something that i muscled through because i'm a glutton for punishment.

rating: 2 stars (because giving one star makes me feel like an asshole)

terrible books that i started reading but stopped because hello i have some standards

i will bitch slap any girl in the face if they try and tell you that they don't choose smutty books at least partially based on the prettiness of the cover.  and by prettiness i mean pretty abs and pretty face and mens pretty much wearing next to nothing.  but sometimes in choosing based on the prettiness of a cover you get yourself into a book that sort of shocks you to the point that you can't even finish it.

case in point: fantasy's bar & grill trilogy.

because upon looking at the cover and then seeing that it was about bars and grills (both of which i enjoy) i figured "ya ok this is going to be good."  until there was all of the sudden after hours sex parties and then journeying to an island where one of the girl's characters got a cramp from hiking and instead of maybe just putting an icy hot patch on that bitch it was decided that the best way to treat said cramp was with a four-male rub-down and then uttering the phrase "let us cover her in our pleasure."  and then i was like

rating: i give this an "i don't have any words" rating and can't effectively rate because i couldn't even finish it.

naturally, since reading fifty shades of grey, i considered myself basically being an expert.  so when the description of this book touted itself as BDSM themed i figured it was nothing that i couldn't handle.  it started out tame enough with a recently divorced down and out woman taking a job as a hostess at a BDSM sex club.  don't worry - she didn't engage in any scenes or anything just helped our at the club because she apparently has standards or something.

UNTIL SHE WAS SOLD TO A SHEIKH.  and even that didn't shock me all that much (except who just goes around buying people) because said sheikh was kind enough and told her she was lucky that she didn't live in his home country because then he could just buy her out-right for the rest of her days rather than just rent her out for the weekend as was his intention so DON'T BE SO UNGRATEFUL LADY.  upon her agreement they take begin by taking things slow.  and in case you're wondering what the author's definition of slow is - it's fisting.  FISTING.  and then i was all "i can't even" because what the actual shit and if out of the gate there's fisting what does that mean for how the rest of the book escalates?  so i stopped.  but really this was me for like the next week:

rating: i give this an "i don't have any words" rating and can't effectively rate because i couldn't even finish it.

smutty books that made me fist pump

ok so this book might seem contradictory to my less than thrilled review of the fantasty bar & grill whatever but this book was so utterly ridiculous it was borderline endearing.  also it was totally worth reading so that i could excitedly explain the plot line to shiter when he tried to tell me that none of these books really even had a plot and then i was all "OH YA - well planet mail is about a futuristic space mail delivery woman who crashes on a foreign planet that has a dangerously low female population and upon her arrival she is spirited away by the king of the planet and given her own male harem that will engage in smutty times whenever she feels like but the king is the only one that can knock her up but then naturally she makes the mistake of falling in love with the king, and then that's where things get real juicy."  and then it's at that point in our conversations that i'm sure shitler wishes he had never asked me about smut plot lines.

rating: 4 stars (because inter-plantetary sexy times is hilariously entertaining)

embarrassing confession time.  itotallyreadtwilightfanfiction.

whew.  now that that's out there i can let you know that i read fifty shades of grey online when it was one hundred percent still using twilight characters.  if you need me to break down the characters for you i can but please email me privately because this is already kind of horrible to admit.  with that being said - wallbanger also started out as a twilight fanfiction story with characters simon and caroline really being edward and bella and also to quote from the mindy project yes i'm "teen plus" but not at all proud of it since i'll be turning thirty sometime soon.  but all fanfiction related confessions aside these two books are incredible.  like the perfect balance between delicious smut and hilarity and also a cat named "clive."  i feel like i don't want to give you too much insight into the book because i want you to experience it fully all on your own but if i had to recommend you read anything in the year 2K14 it would be wallbanger and its sequel rusty nailed.  and if the titles alone didn't sell you on needing to immediately purchase both then know that that her next two books (both of which i have on pre-order) are entitled screwdrivered and mai tai'd up and i literally can't even with the titles.

rating: 5 stars because duh

p.s. the other day i mentioned a smutty book club but then thought that instead of a smutty book club maybe we should just do a smutty link-up and then we can all post what terrible schmexy things we're all reading and then i can hoard more kindle porn and have shitler judge me even more than he already does.  so let me know if you're interested.  i don't know how to do link-ups but like maybe i could learn.

p.p.s. if you have a kindle and you want to like loan smut back and forth - get at me.