because food

i just wanted to come here and tell you all that i really, really like girls. like especially girls that are similar to me in all my gluttonous ways. like why even bother hiding the primal beasts that we all are at our very core?  there's no point. and the reason i'm talking about my beast tendencies is because tonight is the very biggest drinking night of the year.  and i totally had plans to eat wings at my favorite bar down the street but then it turns out shitler has bowling, my one friend has a date, and  my other friend is re-financing her home (SHE'S A DAMN GROWN UP) thus leaving me dateless for over-indulging on wing date.  so instead the plan is to eat spicy hot chicken wings (probably twelve of them) and some haystack onion rings.  then wash it all down with a family-sized bottle of wine while watching episodes of top chef that i've already seen like three too many times.
also my blanket scarf arrived this week. so i'll just be hanging out in it.  kissy duck face and all because i'll be wined up by myself.

also can we talk about how cat pictures literally tell the story of my entire life.

like after i consume the obnoxious amount of food that i have planned and also the wine i imagine i will look like this:

what do YOU have planned for tonight? if you have nothing then join me by eating chicken wings  with me and we can snapchat about it. it'll be fun.  i promise.

p.s. happy bangs thanksgiving.

because friday

sometimes a friday comes around and it's different than other fridays. and it's because you don't have to work your second job and it's not because you have shitloads of crap to do that you have off from your second job but it's because you decided that you just wanted to be able to go out to dinner on a friday night with the rest of the world that doesn't have to work at a restaurant and you're going to enjoy the shit out of it.  and then, since you're lazy and you'll probably eat too much, you'll go straight home after said dinner and watch eight hours of sons of anarchy and rock back and forth while you weep because it's so emotionally overwhelming that your tiny woman brain can barely handle it.  and then you'll follow it up by watching the voice because then you can have a healthy weep session where you thank the lord there are truly talented people in the world (though you're still harboring a deep seated resentment that you received no such talent).  and this entire time you will be rocking really perfectly curled hair that almost never happens.  and then you'll also go to the gym friday, saturday, and sunday and you will realize that you've gone to the gym every single day for the last two weeks and you will be impressed with yourself.  but not so impressed that you throw yourself a damn party where only you're invited and you get too drunk because you have calories that you need to save to eat pizza on saturday night and carrot cake pancakes on sunday morning and then will have to packer fan indulge after that and then be so exhausted you'll nap from 3PM till when you have to wake up for work on monday morning.
and just so we're clear this entire post was me telling you what i'm going to be doing this weekend.
other things i did this week: 1.  bought a blanket scarf  because ashten. 2.  tried shakeology for the first time because of samantha (and no there's no post that i know of that's shakeology related but i just like her blog).  oh wait i just searched her blog and ya there's totally a post and here it is.  it's HERE. 3.  had some really in depth g.chat conversations with lindsay about food.  basically just food porn. 4.  had my life changed when samm told me that there are bravo emoticons. #twirl 5.  harrassed faith because she's been posting lasagna spaghetti squash pictures and has yet to fork over the recipe so that i can cram it down my gullet.
and also because a post is boring without a picture here's one from last tuesday that murders my uterus every time i look at it.

happy weekend'ing, you hoes! what's on your docket?

annual snooch check up

so adulthood. adult womanhood to be exact. it's a real thing.   like a real thing that includes yearly snooch check ups and getting felt up by someone who is practically a stranger.
so naturally the time came and went for my annual snooch tune up and along with the duck-billed platypus instrument that gets crammed up there and the awkward small talk during there comes the inevitable talk about any concerns i may have had.  and so i mentioned to her that a few times during said menstruation cycles i will have "break through bleeding" (sidenote - i really enjoyed forcing shitler to listen to my snooch tales because he didn't care but it was like he couldn't not listen and be completely grossed out/uncomfortable and if you need a visual of how i tell shitler stories that he doesn't care about it would be this GIF and obviously he's the cat and i'm the sloth).

but i digress.  because my gyno was all "we can switch you to another pill" and i was all "no thanks because i swear the one i'm on now is the only one covered by my insurance and i'm too cheap to pay for it because that would cut into other various, useless shit i buy on a regular basis."  and she was like "oooook?  so you're ok with bleeding?"  and i was like "well i don't like love it but it's better than before when i would bleed out for like four weeks time."  and she was like "touche."  and then i was like "i just think my menstrual cycle is too powerful and it can't be tamed with traditional means that work on other female cycles."  and then she looked at me like i was nuts and then burst out laughing.  and then she was like "i've never heard it described like that before.  i'm using it from it now on.  it'll be a power surge."  and i was all "we're a good team."  and then i high-fived her and said "see ya next year."

p.s. this year i won the no finger in the butthole lottery at my gyno.  this is my second year dodging that terrible bullet.  and don't act like i'm nuts for having this happen.  because people have questioned this and it's totally thing.  i googled it.

please regale me with your gyno appointment stories.
i need to be entertained.

a mishmash

guys. i did something this morning. something unheard of.
i dragged my unhappy ass to the gym at 5:15 in the AM. and although it was pitch black dark outside and windy and cold and it felt weird to be there working out when really all i truly wanted to be was cocooned in my blanket fort spooning my dog i will fully admit that i kind of feel like i could almost take on the world right now.  but i could be confusing the take over the world feeling with ravenous all-consuming hunger but that's neither here nor there.  and this feeling of accomplishment that i'm currently feeling is only rivaled by the feeling of accomplishment i have after i take a shower.  so really it's the little things. or whatever.
also guys. today marks six months of being married to shitler. where's my medal?  because i damn sure deserve one when this beast is what you're married to.

but anyway.

really i just wanted to tell you that i can't believe i actually worked out at 5:15 this morning.  that's one for the record books, methinks.  people don't do gifts for this halfway, almost to a year of being married anniversary, do they?  i hope not.  if they do then my gift to shitler is me going to the gym this morning and also only being half way drunk when he gets home from bowling tonight. 

HAPPY DAY TO YOU SHITLER.

also can we talk about how six months ago we were frolicking on a beach and now it's november and politics is upon us and it's cold and i don't want to do anything at all except eat and hibernate?

p.s. this is a fun wedding photo that sometimes makes me want to "squeeeee!"

p.p.s. i wish i were better at blogging.