a series: no shitler, 'mo problemz

a couple of weeks ago shitler called me at work. it was a normal conversation.  he probably called me a hoe and i probably told him to cram it. and then he informed me after two weekends of being out of town waging a war on deer that he would be leaving again.
for indiana.  for two weeks.  and i waited a beat and looked at my calendar and got like instantly annoyed.  because shitler was all "you'll probably have to do all the x-mas shopping yourself." and i was like " **INSERT EXAGGERATED HUFF HERE** - you're going to miss my work party.  who is going to squire my drunken ass about town?"  and then he was like "you're not seriously annoyed are you?"  and i was all "ya.  i am."  
because the deal is that while i'm the first to admit that i absolutely love it when he's gone, his absence still does suck a big fat one.  the last time he was gone for two weeks wasn't all that bad.  i'm still pissed i had to change that light bulb but like not as mad i was originally (also relax because yes i can change a light bulb but i just feel like i shouldn't have to because hello that's shitler's job and you can read the post i wrote about it here).  but now he'll be gone in december. and we live in wisconsin.  which means who the shit is going to keep me warm at night, and who is going to salt the treacherous hill that we live at the bottom of so that i don't slip and die, and who is going to shovel the snow when it falls, and who is going to listen to me whine about all the things i don't want to do, and who is going to bring me my inhaler and also tampons when i forget them at home, and who is going to drink with me, and who is going to suggest that we eat tacos, and who is going to drive my drunk ass home from my work party, and who is going to bring me chicken wings, and mainly WHO IS GOING TO PLAY WITH ME?
i know, i know.  first world problems. but i'm going to whine about it anyway.
so starting tomorrow and through the next like two weeks or whatever i'm going to catalog how much more difficult my life is without shitler around.  and that's not to be confused with him like how much i will miss him but more along the lines of how put out i'll be for two weeks (and don't even get me started on the lack of putting out during those two weeks because rude).  and also don't get any ideas that this will make me realize that i should be more grateful about having him around because i'm grateful.  barely.
also whatever are you looking at off in the distance, shitler?