no shitler, 'mo problemz: blender wars

i forgot that i never told you guys the blender story. today we'll fix that. so once upon a time we got married. and people gave us stuff.  like nice stuff. and after people gave us said stuff shitler forbade me from using any of it in our current house. his exact words being "we're not using our nice stuff in this shitty house (p.s. the house is not shitty but shitler just badly wants to own his own house)." and i was like "whatever i don't even care." until three weeks ago when i had shakeology stuff that i wanted to try.  and after looking at all the recipes online it had become clear that i would need a blender.  and i was in luck.  because i knew just where to find one.

so i waited until shitler left for bowling that night and then lugged out the blender from a midst the mountain of presents.
and i made myself a shake.  a delicious peanut butter chocolately number that was simply divine.  and then i washed each and every piece, dried them, and put everything back in the box and left it next to the kitchen table because i knew the shakes would be a repeat offense.  fast forward to 2AM.  and being rudely awakened by shitler with a rough shake and the following words: "hey.  HEY.  did you use the blender we got as a wedding gift?"  as i blearily tried to understand what the fuck was actually happening shitler shook me again and asked the same question and when i rolled over to look at the clock and processed what was happening i was all "no shit sherlock yes i did use it.  what gave it away?"
and at this point it finally dawns on me that it's late as balls and shitler has had some cocktails and he is apparently quite miffed that i've used the blender.  so the conversation continues and shitler says "but i don't understand why you would use it.  we agreed that we weren't going to use any of the wedding gifts until we bought a house."  and i was all "i wanted to make a shake.  how do you propose i do that without a blender?"  and shitler was all whiney and went "but we were supposed to use these gifts together..."  and i was like "OMG it is 2AM.  what would you have liked me to do?
tape the box up and act like i never used it?"  and he quietly murmured "well, yeah."  and then i rolled over and barked at him to shut off the lights and go to sleep.
and the next morning i assumed that the issue was null and void.  except it wasn't. because shitler was like "we should just buy a super shitty blender for you to use and we can save the nice one for when we move."  and i was like "that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard.  you just need to relax and accept the fact that i'm using the blender."  and he was like "i don't like it."  and i was like "what don't you like about it?"  and he was all "you're going to ruin it.  you're going to run out the motor before it even gets to be in the new house."  and then every time i used he would give me the death glare from across the room and then he would come over to inspect that i cleaned it properly.  and then one time when i was cleaning it i got too close to the blade and sliced my finger.  and when he asked what i did and i told him his response was "good."  rude.   in conclusion i have two things to say: 1. shitler is super, super sensitive about blender usage. 2. since he's not home guess what i'm using and totally not putting away?
p.s. shitler - if you're reading this, like ya i love you, but it feels nice to not have to live under your blender dictatorship. p.p.s. i'm sure you probably saw this on my ginstagram but the picture is just too much derp.