a massive dump (not the toilet kind)

ahhhhhhhhhhh wednesday. it's here and like semi-glorious, right?

i'm sure you'll notice that things are a bit different looking around here. and by different looking i mean beautiful and spectacular and lovely. my lady, natalie, over at designstoned hooked.it.up. and i love the new design so much that i think i would hump it if i could. but i won't.  because i don't know really know how to do that and i don't want people witnessing it to think that i'm any weirder than they already think me to be.
here's a brief recap of all the crap i've been doing. also my one year wedding anniversary was monday.  you can read that post here.

i did a crazy thing and pumped the brakes on all the smut i usually read.

instead i read both of andy cohen's books, tina fey's book, amy poehler's book, and the fox chronicles. and as a result all i want to do is be best friends with andy cohen, skin and wear tina fey, and basically take over amy poehler's life.

real talk - amy poehler's book was one of the best books i have ever read.  and the fox chronicles were awesome.

futuristic and scary and poignant.

cross stitching.  lots of cross stitching.

shitler always gets on me about my "hobbies."  and by hobbies he means things i get fucking pumped for, do for two weeks, and then lose interest in.  joke's on him though.  i've been cross stitching since i was a wee pup and the only thing i'm doing differently this time around is cross stitching super inappropriate things that i can give as gifts and hang around my house and look at and giggle.

p.s. please do provide any and all inappropriate cross stitch patterns you may have.

i know crock pots are nothing new but i think i sometimes forget how wonderful they truly are.  last night i threw a bunch of chicken in with some chicken stock, spicy taco seasoning, and some spicy ranch seasoning packets.  then i crammed it all down my gullet and rejoiced.  i also ate this ridiculously delicious filet for our anniversary dinner.  like it was covered in hollandaise sauce, asparagus, and crab meat kind of delicious.  bully for me, ya'll.

sia's "elastic heart" is my damn jam.  i know it's nothing new but that ish on repeat is heaven on earth. not to mention ed sheeran's "tenerife sea," "come join the murder" from the sons of anarchy soundtrack, and "fresh blood" from the jinx's opening credits. here you go for some easy listening.

i've been watching a(n) unhealthily large amount of television lately.

first season of unbreakable kimmy schmidt?  cashed it.

last season of sons of anarchy? done.  killed it (pun intended).

the jinx. whoa.  just so much whoa because that man is a true looney tune/certifiable psychopath.

silicon valley?  not done but seriously obsessed.

and there you have it.  

a recap.  of what i've been doing while not being present here.

because sometimes here is LAME.

but for reals - designstoned for all your blog design needs.

DO IT TO IT, LARS.

p.s. all header photos belong to unsplash.  i just played with them.

happy divorce day

i'm not even going to consult my blog for the last time that i posted something because it's been like thirty-seven hot minutes since that happened and i don't even care.
but then last week shitler was all "hey. our one year anniversary is monday. are we doing something?"  and i was all "sure. why not."  and he was like "what do you want to do?"  and i was all "i don't know. eat somewhere?"  and then he was all "where?"  and i was all "let's decide later."
and then i got to thinking that i should write a blog post.  and i was actually pumped.  but then time got away from me.
like on friday we spent four hours fish frying.  and by that i mean going to two separate places and waiting (and also drinking) and then finding out that the place ran out of fish so then we went somewhere and waited (and drank more) and then finally ate.  and then when i got home i was drunk on four drinks and tried to watch the second to last episode of sons of anarchy but fell asleep fifteen minutes into it instead.  and that was also the night that shitler couldn't reach the ATM and instead showed off his junky trunk.

and then saturday shitler was doing some side job and i spent the day like any twenty nine year old would: cross stitching and watching crime documentaries.  a quick interjection - i cannot BELIEVE how insane robert durst is.  and then i worked a restaurant shift and came home and organized my cross stitching floss and half-ass cleaned the house (like swept dog hair into a discreet corner and shoved things in drawers) while drinking.

and then sunday i laid on the couch and watched silicon valley until our friends called and were like "let's go boating and bar hopping!"  and shitler and i were like "OK."  and then we did.  and i ate too much and drank too much and then our friend was like "hey shitler. here's twenty doll hairs. get some pull tabs."  and shitler was like "DONE. we'll split the winnings 25/75."  and then shitler ripped open his third pull tab in and IT WAS FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS.  and now we can't say that we're the type of people that never win anything because HOLY WINNINGS.

and then it was time for sleeps.  

and naturally i hadn't written a blog post because that is THE STORY OF MY WHOLE, ENTIRE LIFE.

but it is, in fact, our one year anniversary.

i posted something mushy on the 'gram.

and then shitler texted me this.

so.  to bring things full circle we have decided on something to do. go to dinner and get drunk with the man that married us, his wife, and our two other friends that went to mexico with us.
also i didn't get shitler anything for a gift.   yet.
so i just googled what the anniversaries are.  what the fuck, paper? obviously the traditional gift is not applicable.   the modern gift is a clock. which works more in my favor. because i'm getting my snooch waxed after work.  it's time. and therein lies shitler's one year anniversary gift.
GET IT. SEE WHAT I DID THERE.
MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU.