happy divorce day

i'm not even going to consult my blog for the last time that i posted something because it's been like thirty-seven hot minutes since that happened and i don't even care.
but then last week shitler was all "hey. our one year anniversary is monday. are we doing something?"  and i was all "sure. why not."  and he was like "what do you want to do?"  and i was all "i don't know. eat somewhere?"  and then he was all "where?"  and i was all "let's decide later."
and then i got to thinking that i should write a blog post.  and i was actually pumped.  but then time got away from me.
like on friday we spent four hours fish frying.  and by that i mean going to two separate places and waiting (and also drinking) and then finding out that the place ran out of fish so then we went somewhere and waited (and drank more) and then finally ate.  and then when i got home i was drunk on four drinks and tried to watch the second to last episode of sons of anarchy but fell asleep fifteen minutes into it instead.  and that was also the night that shitler couldn't reach the ATM and instead showed off his junky trunk.

and then saturday shitler was doing some side job and i spent the day like any twenty nine year old would: cross stitching and watching crime documentaries.  a quick interjection - i cannot BELIEVE how insane robert durst is.  and then i worked a restaurant shift and came home and organized my cross stitching floss and half-ass cleaned the house (like swept dog hair into a discreet corner and shoved things in drawers) while drinking.

and then sunday i laid on the couch and watched silicon valley until our friends called and were like "let's go boating and bar hopping!"  and shitler and i were like "OK."  and then we did.  and i ate too much and drank too much and then our friend was like "hey shitler. here's twenty doll hairs. get some pull tabs."  and shitler was like "DONE. we'll split the winnings 25/75."  and then shitler ripped open his third pull tab in and IT WAS FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS.  and now we can't say that we're the type of people that never win anything because HOLY WINNINGS.

and then it was time for sleeps.  

and naturally i hadn't written a blog post because that is THE STORY OF MY WHOLE, ENTIRE LIFE.

but it is, in fact, our one year anniversary.

i posted something mushy on the 'gram.

and then shitler texted me this.

so.  to bring things full circle we have decided on something to do. go to dinner and get drunk with the man that married us, his wife, and our two other friends that went to mexico with us.
also i didn't get shitler anything for a gift.   yet.
so i just googled what the anniversaries are.  what the fuck, paper? obviously the traditional gift is not applicable.   the modern gift is a clock. which works more in my favor. because i'm getting my snooch waxed after work.  it's time. and therein lies shitler's one year anniversary gift.
GET IT. SEE WHAT I DID THERE.
MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU.